Stripped
by JessicaLG717
Summary: Bella finds herself left alone to raise her two young children as a single mother. What will happen when she takes on a difficult new job, makes a new friend and bumps into an old? AH
1. Chapter 1

**The credit for the major beta'ing is going straight to PTB. I can't even begin to thank them enough.**

**It's a wonderful thing they do, take time out of their lives to help the small people like me. I hug all of you over at PTB hard!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

_I need time._

He just left. He left me and our kids. I had no idea where he went and if he 'd ever be coming back home. He left without saying a word to me, or his family, or his friends. The only thing was that text message.

I had no idea what I was going to do. We 'd married shortly after high school. Months later, we welcomed Ave, and three years later Ava would become a big sister to a very wanted little Ryan. Ava, now, our beautiful, spunky, rambunctious four year old, Ryan, my pudgey little guy that was almost one. Our little family, living perfectly happy, in our comfortable home.

Little did I know, even a few months ago, that our world would come crashing down on us in as little as one weekend.

I'd never given much thought into continuing my education. I had no need to find a job, because life had given me a perfectly suited job for me. I was mom, and I couldn't be happier about it. Never, not even for one second, had I considered that my husband would up and leave us. There was no warning, no signs, nothing. I'd never felt more naive.

*

I had no idea what I was going to do. How was I am going to pay the mortgage? I had a car payment that was three weeks past due. Blinking through my tears on the drive home from the grocery store, a flashy, purple neon sign jumped out at me.

Flexible hours. Decent cash. Weekend nights.

It was almost perfect. It was something I could do while at the same time I 'd be able to be the kind of mom I wanted to be. I'd be able to sneak out to work on Friday and Saturday night's while my kids slept peacefully in their beds.. I'd just need to find a babysitter for the few hours I'd be gone.

My biggest obstacle to overcome was a babysitter. I didn't have many friends, as I'd happily wrapped myself up with my husband and his family. My parents Charlie and Renee were hundreds of miles away in Arizona. I wasn't even sure I wanted them to know I was all alone yet. And I certainly couldn't expect them to fly out to New England every weekend. It wasn't practical and I certainly wouldn't be making _that_ much money, though, a girl could dream.

I walked out of the dingy brick building with black tinted windows with a job. I'd have to start tonight and I wasn't sure I'd be able to grab someone on a Friday with such short notice.

I headed over to Esme and Carlisle 's to go and pick up the kids. They'd been staying with them for the past two days while I tried to pull myself together.

My phone began ringing while I was pulling onto their road, I decided whoever it was could wait until I parked at the Cullen 's.

"_Hello, Bella. I know we should have made sure it was ok, but we headed over to the indoor water park with the kids. We were thinking about staying until Saturday and heading back home after dinner, but if you'd prefer, we can come back tonight." _Esme said.

I might have gotten annoyed on a normal day, but this might have actually just helped me out and given me an extra week to find a sitter.

I had no idea how the hell I was going to pull something like this off, where I 'd find something to wear, and if I'd even be able to walk into that building. And furthermore, how was I going to gather up the courage to do this?

I was going to do this. If it took every damn thing I had to be able to walk into that club, walk out in front of all of those men and take my clothes off, I would do it. And hopefully it wouldn't be entirely bad.

*

I walked into the store and grabbed the first matching set that was on display. I wasn 't really sure what I was supposed to be buying, but if it would be coming off at some point, would it really matter? It was a white and pink polka dot set with a bikini top and a boy-short type of bottom. It was kind of cute, but nothing I'd normally wear. I didn't own a single piece of lingerie, which made me think.

I don't think I remember ever owning a peice of lingerie in my life.

I wouldn 't think about that now. I'd spent four whole days wondering why he left, beating myself up, and trying to figure out how I would go on, I wasn't going to do that now.

The cashier was a rather ugly woman that had obviously spent too much time in the sun as a young adult. Her skin reminded me of snake skin. I paid her for the offending material that I had bought and headed out to my car. I threw the bags in the back seat and buckled in before calling Esme.

"Esme? Hi. "

"_Oh, Hi Bella. I hope this was okay, I was trying to get their minds off of things."_

"It 's okay, Es. Just let me know when you'll be getting home."

"_Okay, Hun. You try and get some rest. Maybe you can go visit with Rosalie."_

"Yeah, maybe. Kiss the kids for me and tell them I love them and will see them tomorrow? "

"_I will, just try and relax, hun. I'm sure everything will be okay."_

"Bye, Es. "

I wasn 't really going to go see my best friend now. I'd been avoiding her calls and I bailed on our Thursday night card game that we'd had every week for the past three years. I just couldn't go. The reminder of how every other Thursday evening went certainly wouldn't be good for a positive mindset right now. I needed to get through my first night at work before I had another breakdown.

Shit, I had no damn shoes to go with this thing. I 'd have to walk back into that damn store and see if they had anything that wouldn't squeeze my feet and cause me any unnecessary damage.

"Oh, you must have forgotten your bottle of pretty, " the woman said while glancing to the girl beside her who was giggling.

I walked past them and headed for the back wall that had cheap shoes hung up and down the length. I grabbed the first white pair of shoes with a clear heal that looked the easiest to walk in before heading back over to that bitch at the register.

"I still don 't think you remembered it."

I just smiled and handed her two twenty dollar bills. She handed me back my change and as I was putting it in its spot I pulled out my bottle of Purell, tossing it to her before adding, "No bitch, but I thought you might want to wash off your nasty."

Rather than heading back to my car, I decided to head over to coffee shop across the street. As I was pulling the door open I head a vaguely familiar voice call my name.

"_Isabella_? Isabella _Swan_?!"

I turned my head while still holding the door before realizing who it was and letting the handle slip from my fingers. Jasper Whitlock. Wow.

"Holy shit, Izzy! What, it 's been like four, five years?" Jasper said while walking towards me and picking me up in a weird hug.

"It's Cullen, remember?"

"Sorry, " he snorted.

I was kind of in shock. Not a bad, get me the hell out of here shock, but I really was just generally surprised. He was in our graduating class and was a sweet guy.

I smiled, surprising myself and returned his hug. It felt really great to smile.

My husband and his brother; Emmett and Rosalie were my best friends ever since middle school. They 'd normally keep to themselves, but I still did have still have my own friends. It wasn't always the Cullen boys and their girlfriends.

I 'd spend some weekends with Jasper, Jake, Leah and her younger brother Seth while our dads would fish.

Jake 's dad, Billy, and my father were best friends since as far back as either of them can remember. Jake and I had grown up together and were always close. Leah and Seth lived right around the corner and the four of us were pretty inseparable until my parents enrolled me into a private high school.

Jasper moved in next door to Jake at the beginning of eight grade. He was fairly quiet, but ended up becoming good friends with Jake and Leah. At the end of sophomore year Leah headed off to college and we only saw her a few times during holiday breaks and such until we all went our separate ways.

Jasper ended up at our private school in tenth grade after he or, 'someone else' decided it would be fun to bring a pet rat to school in a lunch box. He was very much a clown. He never did anything that would be a cause for an arrest or give him a juvenile delinquent label, but his parents thought that maybe a private school would keep his messing around to a minimum.

"Wow, Jazz! How have you been? I asked.

"I 've been good, Izz. I made my way over here for a contract I picked up that will be starting up in a couple weeks. How's the family?"

I tried like hell to keep up my smile. I was genuinely happy to see Jasper, but he'd asked an innocent question that most people wouldn't have a problem with, but it hit a sore spot and I tried not to cringe.

I was going to keep my answer as vague as possible; avoid more questions, glancing at my watch I answered, "They're good, I've actually got to run. It was great seeing you, Jasper."

It 's not that I wasn't excited to see an old friend, who just happened to be super sweet and caring, but I just wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to admit to myself or anyone else that my husband had left.

"We should really catch up, call me? " he said while reaching into his back pocket and pulling out one of those cheesy, free Vista Print business cards.

"Of course Jasper. I 'll give you a call next week."

I walked into the coffee shop, ordered my regular and paid before heading back for my car that I conveniently left at across the street in front of that store. I hoped like hell Jasper had already taken off to where ever he was going.

I hopped in the car and headed home. I made up a quick sandwich, but had a hard time eating it, managing a few bites of the crust and a glass of orange juice. I headed up stairs and took a quick shower.

*

The day had gone by extremely quickly. Yesterday I would have been grateful for that, but today, I had a job. A job that would require much more courage than I had.. It was already quarter of five and I needed to get there somewhat early to see what that the hell I would be doing up on that stage. Or in the back room. Or in the laps of the men that sat at the tables.

My interview had been somewhat rushed and the owner, Vic, pretty much begged me to just take job and fill the spot that was abandoned without notice. He said that he 'd just take my first night as my audition dance.

I sat down in front of my vanity and brushed through my hair with shaky hands. I applied some sheer eye shadow lightly and smeared on some eyeliner, finishing up with a coat of mascara.

I hated makeup, only opting to wear it for parties or going out to dinner. I had to assume that makeup would be a necessity with the job that I had landed.

There, face-_check_, bag with skimpy costume thingy-_check_, shoes-_check_. Shit, what was I supposed to do with my hair? Down. Leaving it down would be my best bet. I squeezed a small amount of de-frizzing cream onto my hands and smoothed it into my hair before blowing it out with a round brush.

I guess I 'd have to go for innocent sexy until I got more of an idea of this sort of thing. Shrugging to myself in defeat, I stood up and headed for my car.

*

I arrived at the place that would be called my job if things went well tonight, a bit before seven. There were few cars in the parking lot out back and opted to squeeze between a dingy, white, rusted utility van and a shiny new toy type of car. Things are always better in numbers.

I took the keys out of my ignition and took a few deep breaths before I turned to grab my bags in the back seat and I stepped out of my car.

There were a few men stood outside of the back door smoking, but they didn 't bother with me, even stepping aside so I could get through the door.

The back door led straight into the dressing rooms and I bumped into a small woman with a cute costume. I assumed she was a waitress because her uniform was a black leotard with black tights and a hot punk cumber bun and mary jane type of heels.

"Oh, hi! You must be the new dancer Vic mentioned! Here, let me show you were you can change and put your makeup on, where you 'll get to sit for a few minutes between sets and cool off. I'm Alice! I've been a cocktail waitress here for a couple of years. Despite the looks of this place outside, it's really a decent club. Safe." Alice winked and took my hand dragging me into another room off to the side.

"Uhh, I need more makeup? " I questioned, trying to hide the disappointment in my voice.

"Oh sweets, with all the lights flashing and the darkness of the room, you 'll want more than that. You'll want to be flashy and bold," she answered while tilting her head to the side." Give me five minutes and I'll be right back to give you some help!"

I quickly took out the shoes and little outfit I bought earlier in the day . This outfit was not going to cut it if my makeup was all wrong. Shit.

Despite the poor clothing choice, I quickly changed before Alice came back and sat down on the small couch that was against the far wall, throwing on the god awful, uncomfortable shoes. _Heh, they are kind of cute._

"Knock, knock, " Alice said, while tapping her fist in the air, immediately eyeing me up and down . Slowly.

"Yeah, you definitely haven 't done this before," she chimed while flashing me a sweet smile. "But, we can definitely work with the sweet innocent country girl. Some glitter on the eyes to play them up, pink shimmery lips and some lashes. Oh, and I have a a pair of white thigh highs with a matching garter in my locker."

I wondered for a moment why Alice wasn 't a dancer and before I could shut myself up I asked, "Are you sure you're just a waitress?"

She giggled rather than answered me. I decided to leave it alone, if she didn 't answer, there must have been a reason. Besides, I'd just met the girl, and I liked her.

After Alice so kindly fixed up my face and threw up my hair in wavy low pig tails, complete with pink ribbons that curled along the length of my hair, she asked me to show her some dancing. _Oh god._

"I 'd really rather not. I'd rather just go out there and wing it." I mumbled.

"I get it, this is all new to you. If you can pass through Vic, and I will make sure you do, and decide that you want some pointers or some moves, I 'll be more than happy to help out," she winked and headed out, motioning me to follow.

We stood behind a black curtain while watching some tall beauty with red hair that flowed down the center of her back, dressed in black leather and lace, and in just a few short minutes of watching her, she walked out back towards us, winking at us, while collecting all the bills from her garter and thong.

"Well, you 're up sweets! Vic wanted you on early, before the crowds got too busy and so you could get a feel of things. Don't worry, this is the perfect time to test out the waters."

I took three deep breaths, peeked through the curtain and walked out completely shaken.

The strobe lights glimmered throughout the entire club, the glass bridge to the bar, lined with chasing white and pink lights, there were disco balls on the ceilings and silver streamers along the walls. Couches lined half of the stage, while the other half had bar stools and there were two poles on either side.

A song I 'd never heard was playing and whatever I was doing must have worked, because as I was moving along the sides of the stage, men were slipping bills into my bra and the garter Alice had so kindly loaned me.

"Take it off baby! " some man with a hideous mustache boomed. I inwardly sighed, knowing this was part of my job. I'd start off slow tonight though. The boy shorts came off, revealing my white lace thong and I bent over, just enough so that the man could do his thing.

As I was turning to head back to the other side of the stage, I saw Alice waving at me to get my attention. Confused, I walked backwards slowly, and slid behind the curtain.

"Great, now we just have to get you to use some dancing in there and you'll do fantastic! I suggest taking some pole dancing classes and maybe a bit of yoga," she babbled away while I tried calming myself.

"I didn't't see Vic and he'd mentioned that tonight would be my audition or something."

"You 're in, now go ahead and go home, and here, call me tomorrow and we'll go and grab you some more things," she scribbled her number down on a club card and ran off in the other direction.

Even not having a clue as to what I was doing, I survived my first night.


	2. Chapter 2

**The credit for the major beta'ing is going straight to PTB. I can't even begin to thank them enough.**

**It's a wonderful thing they do, take time out of their lives to help the small people like me. I hug all of you over at PTB hard!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

_Handing my bouquet to Rosalie, I turned and placed my left hand into the hand of the man that was moments away from being my husband._

_I don't think I listened to anything that the minister had to say because the next thing I remember is Edward scooping me up, and kissing me in the most loving and passionate way. Moments later he was nearly running down the red carpeted aisle of the church._

_He gently placed me on the lush green grass of the church yard and leaned down towards my ever expanding belly, tenderly wrapping his hands on either side, whispering, "I love you, baby. I love you with all of my heart."_

I was startled awake by my dream. It had been two weeks since Edward left and I still hadn't heard from him. I flat out refused to give in and call him." If there was something or someone out there better for him, then fine, he could have it or them.

Who was I kidding? He was my rock, my best friend, my entire being. He knew me inside and out, accepted me for who I was and for who I wasn't.

The dreams came every night. I wished they'd stop. Even my minor abuse of overt-the-counter sleep aids wasn't helping. None of it helped, not even a little bit.

The subconscious part of my brain was forcing me to recall all of my good memories of my husband. Memories I was desperately trying to avoid remembering. I hated thinking about all the great things... they just didn't make sense to me anymore. He did the most unthinkable, the most unimaginable thing to our family; He left. And I was left to pick up the pieces. I wanted to hate him with all of my being and I don't think that I ever could.

I glanced over at my clock and saw it was eight thirty. That would give me roughly five hours to do what I had to do. I didn't really have a choice on taking Alice up on her offer. I had no idea what I should be shopping for or where to even start. I hoped it wasn't too early for her.

I picked up my cell and scrounged through my bag looking for the card that Alice had jotted her number on. I pulled it out face forward and as I quickly glanced down and noticed both Vic and Alice listed as contacts.

On the back of the card, in her dainty handwriting was what I assumed was her cell phone number. I began dialing as I walked downstairs, in much need of my beloved coffee.

"Good morning!"

Damn, she was chipper for this time of day. "Hi, uh, Alice, it's Bella. I hope it's not too early to be calling but my kids will be coming home tonight and I still have to find a sitter."

"Oh! You have kids?! I wouldn't have guessed! And nope! I'm up with the birds every morning, so we can head out as soon as you're ready. You can drive over to my place and we'll take my car."

After getting Alice's address and pulling a brush through my hair. Owned the rest of my coffee and brushed my teeth. Today was sure to be uncomfortable. I tossed on a pair of my favorite warn out Old Navy jeans and a simple sweater, complete with my not-so-new New Balances.

I parked my car next to that very same toy car I had parked beside at the club last night. I had no idea what kind of car it was, but it sure was flashy, new and almost blindingly red.

Before I even had my keys in my bag, Alice came bouncing out of her front door. Her upbeat chipper attitude would definitely be good for me. I sincerely hoped it would rub off on me.

"Sorry, my brother isn't exactly decent, so I thought I'd spare you," Alice said, while opening the driver side door to her car.

Quickly gathering my bag and shutting my car door, I hurried over and took my seat in her car, shutting the door as nicely as I could. My luck, I'd break her pretty car door.

"I noticed your name as a contact on the business card you gave to me last night-" I began.

Alice snorted. "Yeah, my brother and I are the owners. We bought out the old owners about a year ago which is why I don't dance anymore. It'd be a bit awkward dancing topless with your brother wondering around the place."

"I can imagine. Wait, your brother? Vic?" I asked.

"The one and only."

The rest of the ride was spent talking about me and my kids. I'm not sure why she never bothered to ask about their dad, but I was grateful for that. I told her that I moved out here shortly after high school, following my best friend, Rosalie, omitting the fact that I'd actually followed her whole family, my family.

Charlie and Renee were great people, but I wouldn't go call them super parents, either. My father would spend most of the time he wasn't working in front of the TV or fixing random things. My mother, well, she'd get interested in some random activity, which would hold her interest for a few months, until she would up on it and move onto what she considered bigger and better things.

They were always there, making sure I was taken care of, doing well in school and supporting me if and when I needed them. But it was always just the bare minimum as far as parenting goes. They took my moving across the country well and I'd usually see them a couple times a year on holidays.

Alice pulled into an underground parking garage in the city and we headed for the elevator. Once we got to the ground floor she snatched my hand and skipped with me in tow, around the corner and down some sort of alley with stores lining it. We walked into a small shop a few spaces down with no sign.

Alice started scurrying through the racks while I just sort of watched. "Why did you decide to be a dancer?" she asked while holding up a silver costume, complete with chaps. "Perfect!" she squealed while waiting for a response to her question that I had been hoping I'd be able to avoid.

gUh, my husband left me and I needed a job that would keep me home with my kids during the days so I could still be the mom I want while at the same time bringing in enough money to support my kids," I mumbled off as quickly as I possibly could.

Alice dashed down a few racks and grabbed another set that had a see through, long flowing skirt, matching thong and a wrap type of tube top in a pale blue. "Since we are strictly topless only, this will be perfect! Now let's get out of here and go find you some shoes!"

Shopping for these types of clothes and shoes and accessories wasn't something I could actually say I enjoyed. Alice was bouncy, even in the mornings and that wasn't me. What I really wanted to do was go back home and crash down into my recliner with my remote and Snuggie.

Glancing back towards the counter, my new friend shouted, "I'll catch ya next time, Tor! On to shoes! I'm guessing your size is about... a seven. Am I right?"

"Um, yeah, seven is right." My mind was all over the place, this morning was proving to be exhausting mentally. I was functioning on only a cup of coffee and very little sleep made running around like a five year-old hopped up on Dr. Pepper and exhausting endeavor.

Alice was lost in thought, for maybe a minute or two, before telling me that she already had some perfect shoes and that she'd bring them to the club tonight. I couldn't help feeling relieved I was tired and I just wanted to go home.

*

After my speedy morning with Alice, rushing around, it was time to get a sitter. The fifteen year old that lived next door was my only real option now. She wasn't a bad kid, but she didn't have many limits set by her parents. I'd have to be very clear with her with rules and what I did and didn't expect.

I walked next door and rang the bell. Her parents were probably on some extreme vacation and she was most likely still in bed. I was nearly eleven on a Saturday morning and I was sure she'd still be sleeping.

Her boyfriend answered the door wearing nothing but a pair of boxer briefs. I immediately looked towards the hedges on the side of the door. "Hey Alec, Jane here?"

"She just got up, let me go get her."

Jane came down the stairs in a robe, rubbing her eyes. "Mrs. Cullen?" she asked, confused and still half asleep.

"Bella, just call me Bella," I smiled. "How would you like to make a few bucks and babysit my kids for a few hours later tonight? The kids will be in bed and you won't have to do much of anything."

"A few bucks, like, what's a few bucks?" she asked. She'd woken enough to flash me that wicked grin of hers.

gEight until about midnight and I'll give you fifty. Like I said, the kids will be sleeping and you won't need to do anything but be there." I wasn't really sure what you paid a babysitter, but that sounded like a good deal to me.

"You've got yourself a sitter. I'll be there at eight," she said, smiling and shutting the door.

As I headed home cutting through the yards I noticed a cigarette butt on the ground. Stupid reminders of him. I opted to walk right past it and leave it there. As I was walking into my house my phone beeped. Text message. Alice? Rose? Emmett?

Nope. It was a text message from Edward. I should have been relieved, curious, maybe a bit happy. However, I was angry, furious even. How dare he not call me after being gone for weeks?

How are the babies?

I chose not to answer. I wasn't ready. And I certainly wasn't going to have a conversation with my husband through text messages. Seriously, who does that?.

Of course now, my mind took over and forced the damn thoughts and scenarios to come flooding in. Even while I was awake.

What made him leave? Was he with another woman? Did he find someone or something better than the family we created together? I hadn't received a single answer to my questions and that made me even more angry and more confused

.

He'd just left me while I was over at Rose and Emmett's helping her with setting up a super fantastic nursery. And no, she wasn't even pregnant yet. However, she was actively trying and using every sort of messed suggestion she could find online. At one point I think she read that if your husband wore purple shirts and no underwear you were sure to have a son. Apparently you had to wear orange and go commando for a girl. I wondered how Em was holding up with that. Knowing him though, I'm sure he wasn't pleased with the nonsense suggestions, but having a blast doing the babydance.

Thinking about my best friend and my favorite brother-in-law, okay, my only brother-in-law, made me realize how pissed off Rose must be at me . I just wasn't ready to be in the company of the people I considered my family. The people that had become my family the moment I met Edward.

I needed distractions, and Alice seemed to be a good one and had helped in that department. Even knowing her only a little over a day, she'd had me smiling and on my toes, rather than lounging on my couch in front of the TV all day long. And she never pushed the Edward issue, which was something I appreciated.

While I was getting myself a bowl of Frosted Flakes, my phone began ringing. Esme.

"Hey, Es. Everything ok?" I asked, knowing she wouldn't be home for a few more hours.

"Of course, we just decided to head home a little early, the kids are tired and have had enough. I should be there in about an hour, that's okay?" she asked.

"Oh good, I missed the rugrats. I'll see you soon."

*

Ava came barreling through the door and ran straight into my arms, while Carlisle had Ryan in tow, diaper bag slung over his shoulder and all.

"Daddy home yet, Mama?" I never knew how to answer my spunky, curious ans confused daughter.

"No, baby, he's not." I answered her quietly while Carlisle handed me my baby.

I glanced over to see Esme approaching me as Carlisle nodded his head for me to come and talk. She reached her hands out to Ryan knowing that Carlisle wanted to talk to me. Alone.

Alone could never be a good sign. None of us had any secrets we all didn't know about, so the only thing I could manage to think about was one of my parents or Edward dying.

My vision immediately got cloudy and I started to get dizzy just as I stood up and handed my son over to his grandmother.

I made my way into the kitchen and over to where Carlisle was leaning against the counter, next to the overflowing pile of dirty dishes I couldn't get myself to wash. He glanced around my clutter-filled kitchen with a sad look covering his handsome face.

It's not like it was much of a surprise to anyone that I was barely able to get out of bed and take care of my babies day-to-day. So him reminding me of the situation without even saying a word annoyed me.

Have you heard from Edward, Bella?" he asked while staring at his hands that were neatly folded at his waistline.

He sent me a text message asking how the kids were, but I didn't respond," answering him, trying to force back my emotions. Any real mention of my husband would send me on an all night tear fest and I was seriously getting sick of crying.

"Well, he was in the ER this morning with some respiratory problems. His x-rays showed some lesions on his lungs, but he refused to be admitted to the hospital. He got two breathing treatments and some prescriptions to help clear up his pneumonia. Bella, you should call him and convince him to go back to the hospital-" Carlisle cut himself off.

There was something he wasn't telling me, but I couldn't find it in me to even ask. The next thing I knew, I had grabbed my cell phone and ran upstairs to my room and was dialing his number.

_It's Edward, I'm in the hospital, shouldn't be here too long. Leave me a message and I'll call you back._

Oh god. Oh god.

"Did you get a hold of him?" Esme asked with concern.

"Just his voicemail, Es. There isn't really much more we can do at this point."

I slumped down on the couch next to my sweet Ava and kissed her on her forehead, causing her to jump onto my lap, telling me about her fun at the water park.

"If you guys don't mind, I'm gonna feed the kids, give them their baths, and call it an early night." I sighed while stroking Ava's bangs out of her face.

Carlisle and Esme nodded, knowing I just wanted to be alone. I also had to get read for a job that they would never approve of.

"Ok, sweetie, call if you need anything, we're only up the street." Both of them kissed the kids and I on the forehead and headed out.

*

After feeding, bathing, and tucking the kids in, I had another half hour or so to sit and do a lot of nothing but let my mind take me over again. All I kept thinking about was the something that I knew Carlisle was keeping from me and I was driving myself insane.

Was he not in love with me anymore?

Was he rethinking marrying and starting a family so young?

Did he get into some kind of trouble?

Was there another woman?

Jane showed up before I could think up anymore ridiculous scenarios.

I gave Jane a quick list of things that I expected her not to do in my home. Most of which included having parties and drinking or doing drugs. If she was one of those teens without a brain and chose to smoke she had to do so outside. I would allow Alec in my home under the condition she followed all of those rules adding "no sex" to the end of what I considered reasonable.

I grabbed my keys and headed out the door. I drove straight to work and rushed inside hoping to see Alice. She'd surely be able to brighten my mood and curb my nerves.

I headed straight for the dressing room with my bags from earlier slung over my shoulder. As I was placing them over the chair, I noticed four pair of platform stilettos and a pair of thigh high boots. I couldn't help but smile.

I wondered to myself if Alice welcomed all the new dancers like she had me. Whether she did or didn't, I was extremely grateful for how wonderful she has been to me.

a pair of black and silver shoes Alice had left and I changed quickly. It was a common dressing area and despite what my new job entailed, I was still shy when it came to my body.

As I was trying to figure out how to strap the black belted garter thing my phone beeped. Of course, I immediately thought of the kids and that something could have gone wrong. Why was I working in a place that I would have never even set foot into just a month ago, leaving my babies at home with a babysitter, I should have been home. I fished my phone out of my bag.

It was indeed a text, but not from Jane.

It was a text from Emmett:

_Edward's in trouble._


	3. Chapter 3

BPOV

_Edward is in trouble._

I was just staring at the text message for what felt like an eternity, not knowing what I should do. He wouldn't take my call earlier; would he take it now?

Just as I was about to pull up Emmett's number up from my contacts, Alice came up behind me, startling me. "Good! It's nice to see you picked out the only pair of shoes that would match," she joked. "You're looking quite sexy, if I do say so myself."

I quickly shut my phone, deciding to wait until after my shift was over to call Emmett. If Edward was in trouble, I knew that Em would be there for him now. I couldn't afford to lose the job I'd just started. Not to mention, I needed to detach myself from the man that left me, however small those steps may be.

I finished with the ridiculously little buckle on my left shoe and stood up, looking at myself in the tri-fold full length mirror. It was hard to believe that I was looking at my own reflection. I certainly looked the part, and I looked pretty damn good, even if it was something I wasn't comfortable doing. Thankfully, no one but me could feel the butterflies currently flying around my stomach.

I sat back down and stared at all the makeup that seemed to have just appeared there suddenly. "Smokey eyes, red lips, and a bit of bronzer," Alice listed as she started picking out the grays and blues that would cover my darkened, un-rested eyes.

"I do know how to put makeup on, Alice. I just choose not to wear it on a daily basis," I said, almost sneering without meaning to. This entire situation with my husband was beginning to take its toll on me. And I still had no idea what the hell the situation even was.

I glanced back at Alice through the mirror and apologized. "Sorry, Alice. I know you're trying to help. How about my hair? What can I do with this mess?" I questioned while running my hands through the neglected ends.

She seemed to be in deep thought. Her nose scrunched up, and she was tapping her chin with her fingernail. "That's it! Of course! We'll pin it all up loosely, so you can let it down during your dance!" she cheered.

Apparently Alice wasn't easily bruised, taking my rather pathetic apology, questioning nothing. She set to work fixing my hair and applying my makeup. I was rather glad that she was there to help. I would have ended up looking like a pathetic excuse for a clown had I tried to use the makeup she provided.

"You're up just as soon as Tor is finished with her set. She'll be out there while you've got the stage, working the floor tonight," she explained. "Oh! And tonight really work your stuff, sweets! It's a busy night, and that's always what we want!"

I stood up from my seat, tested out the fancy new shoes, and got adjusted to walking in them. Before I made it across the room, Alice was behind me, smacking me on the ass. "You're up, Rock Star!"

I took my time rounding the hallway corner toward the black curtain that led to the stage and peeked through to check out what kind of business I'd be dealing with tonight. If things went the way they went last night, it'd be smooth sailing just as soon as I figured out the exotic dancing thing.

There were groups of men surrounding the stage, men crowding the bar, and men standing against the wall, looking a little annoyed that there wasn't a seat to be found. _Busy night my ass!_ Tonight was jam packed, and I was still new to this!

I took my usual three deep breaths and did something that Isabella Cullen would never normally do in this type of setting; I walked, or strutted rather, right out on that stage and began dancing.

Still having not a clue as to what I was really doing out here, I unzipped my top without thinking, letting it fall to my feet. Looking at the pole, I took it into my right hand and unpinned my hair, letting it flow down my neck and back. I was swaying outward, so that my head was almost looking at the world upside down.

And then I saw someone.

Jasper Whitlock.

I spotted Jasper sitting at the bar surrounded by men that were all wearing white logo t-shirts.

With the leg that was keeping me suspended to the poll, I pulled up my body and made my way slowly over to the other side of the stage, trying to avoid putting myself in Jasper's line of sight.

While bending down to the men with hands full of bills waiting to tuck it into my chaps, garter, and thong, I noticed Tor nodding her head. I shrugged my shoulders and she motioned me to the back. Slowly and as seductively as I could, I rose to my feet and sauntered off the stage, sliding through the black silky curtains.

As I came through the curtains I uncomfortably bumped into Vic who had been waiting to explain the rules of the private room to me.

"There is to be no sex of any kind in that room. He is not to remove any articles of clothing. Anything else that you're comfortable with is fine by me."

"Uh, what?" I asked, puzzled.

Vic ran his hand over his shaved head and explained the private dance room.

"There is a man in there that offered five hundred for you and only you. Usually we charge fifty bucks. You get fifty percent of everything you make in there."

"Who would offer that for me? I mean, I'm hardly comparable to the other dancers you have," I asked before realizing who it must be...Jasper.

"He only asked that you put something on to cover up," Vic finished while handing me my half of the cut and his hoodie and began walking away.

I quickly threw the hoodie over my head and headed over to the private room. I had no idea what to expect when I walked through the door, but my heart was strumming through my entire body, my palms were sticky with sweat and my legs were shaky.

Maybe it wasn't Jasper after all. Maybe I was just working myself up for nothing.

I opened the door slowly and was immediately greeted with purple strands of lights lining the ceiling, a plush carpet in the center of the room, and a single black light hung above the black leather couch where the man that was waiting for me was sitting.

He was sitting in the center of the couch with his drink cradled in both hands between his legs, his head facing down as if he were counting the ice cubes. He didn't move. "Izz."

I took another step forward so I could shut the door and understand if this would be work or something entirely different.

"Jasper." I returned in the same monotone voice he greeted me with.

He set his glass on the small table next to the couch and looked up at me, patting the couch next to where he sat. "So, you work-" he waved his hand and looked around the room- "_here_?" Shock was clearly evident in the tone of his voice.

In a voice barely above a whisper I said, "It kind of just happened, Jasper. I really don't want to get too much into it, but I needed a job that would pay the bills, and I needed it quick."

I left out anything having to do with Edward. I really didn't have it in me to talk about it still. And of course, I still really had no idea what the hell was going on.

"I have a hard time imagining Edward being okay with this. He doesn't know, I assume," he said. I knew he wouldn't just let it be.

Inwardly I sighed. I knew he wouldn't just let it go at that. "Edward left," I answered quietly, not sure he even heard.

The look of shock nearly rocked my reserve. "What the fuck?"

"I have no idea. Please, I can't talk about this now," I pleaded. I handed him back his money and told him I'd call him tomorrow, walking out quickly, before he could refuse the cash I had just placed in his hand.

I headed back to take the sweatshirt that Vic had loaned me off, deciding to take off the chaps and zipped up my top.

I checked my eyes and added some gloss just as Alice walked in. "Your turn on the floor girl! Just like the private room, everything made from lap dances gets split with the club. You're doing great out there tonight! Wow! Five bills for a P.D.!" She winked as she sauntered out of the room.

This girl was a ball of fire.

Again, taking my three deep breaths, I headed out to the floor, relieved when I saw that Jasper and the men he was with had left, replaced by some men in suits.

Something new again.

I slowly walked over to a couch and was called over by a man wearing a purple dress shirt, complete with a pair of crisp dark blue jeans. I guess this was it. I'd soon enough find out if I had any shot at this job.

I placed my right leg between his legs and my left to the side, placing my foot on top of the couch. I began dipping my hips and rolling my head, occasionally bringing my bare chest close to his face so that my breasts would barely graze his nose. I ran my hands from his shoulders down his arms and then began running them down my own body. I managed to spin myself around so that my ass was just about in his hands so that he could slip a twenty in my thong.

Maybe I wasn't half bad at this.

Winging the lap dances, I managed to get through my night. It was just about time for me to leave, so I went off to find Vic to turn in my tips from the lap dancing and hurry home to check on my babies and call Emmett.

Sitting in my car, I counted the money I had made tonight. Completely shocked when I'd passed four hundred dollars. Four hundred and twenty two dollars. And that was giving back the two-fifty from the awkward run in with Jasper.

As I was tucking the money into my bag, I was startled with a tap on my window.

Alice sat there smiling holding out a card for me. I rolled down my window and looked at the card, reading it. It was a business card for a yoga instructor.

"I go twice a week. You should come! I'll call you!" Alice chirped while leaning in and pecking me on the cheek.

*

I got home and was pleased to see Jane sleeping on the couch, alone, with the TV on. Gently nudging her she woke and stood up, waiting while I opened my bag to pay her money. I snuck in an extra ten. and she smiled and walked out.

I walked over to the door and made sure she made it into her house safely before calling Emmett.

The phone only rang once. "Bella, what took you so long to call?' Emmett said, sounding like someone had died.

Oh god. Edward.

"Sorry, I fell asleep."

"I ran into Edward and something isn't right. He looks awful and tired. He flat out refused to talk to me. He was really antsy. And he seemed to be in a hurry. He just left while I was in the middle of asking him what the hell is going on with him," he kept going, "He's not okay, and I'm afraid if we can't get him to talk soon, things will end badly."

My brother-in-law sounded scared and worried, and that was something I rarely ever saw.

Yeah, something wasn't right, that's for sure. And I had a feeling Emmett was keeping something from me.

What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to be the erratic crazy wife that chased down the husband that apparently didn't want her? And really, hadn't things already ended badly?

"What would you have me do, Em?" I asked. "Edward left me out of nowhere. He left me and our kids without a word. He doesn't take my phone calls, and he hasn't seen his kids. I have no idea why he left. I have nothing. I know nothing." Tears were starting to stream down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Bella. It's late. We'll talk tomorrow. Love you."

"Night, Em, love you too."

I headed up to my room even more confused, hurt, and angry.

I plugged my phone into the charger, set it on my nightstand, and slipped out of my sweater. I kicked off my sneakers and took my jeans off before crawling onto my empty bed and snuggling into my comforter.

The phone was sitting there, almost staring at me. If I called Edward, he probably wasn't going to pick up, and if he did, what the hell was I supposed to say to him anyway?

I was trying to go over the last few months of my life. Trying to come up something, anything, that would give me any sort of shitty explanation of why he left.

I vaguely remembered him being short tempered and spending a lot of time downstairs in the den. I thought back to when he'd run into his old college buddy Laurant, and how he'd go over there every Sunday to watch the games rather than going over to Rose and Em's house.

I picked up my phone and began typing.

_Sleeping?_

I waited impatiently for a good five minutes before I received a text back. And I stared at my phone the entire time, twirling it in my hands. I nearly dropped it when it finally went off.

_Who is this?_

_Bella. _ I had to smile.

_Ahh, Izz. It's late. Everything ok, darlin'?_

Jasper never called me Bella, always called me Izz or Izzy, and forever used sweet terms of endearment.

_Yeah, just couldn't sleep. Lunch tomorrow? If you don't mind the rug rats and a Play Place?_

_Absolutely, got some errands tomorrow, around one?_

_Perfect. Night, Jasper._

_Night, sweetheart._

As I placed my phone back down on the night stand, I made a quick decision to call him.

It was nearly two in the morning, and the chances of _my_ Edward being awake were slim, but then again, he really wasn't the man that I'd married five years ago, was he?

The phone rang twice before going to voicemail. I could tell he ignored my call. I was leaving a message this time. This was absolutely ridiculous. We had two children who missed their daddy, and I needed to know if he had planned on abandoning them, or if he would be the father they needed. Even if that meant that our marriage was over.

"Edward, I think that we need to talk. This is getting out of hand, and you haven't seen your kids in weeks. I'm not going to shield them forever. You won't talk to me; you won't even talk to your brother. Your parents are worried, and none of us know anything. None of this is fair and you know it."

*

_We both turned our heads towards the monitor and watched intently while the nurse spoke, "Congratulations you two, it's a healthy baby boy." As she wiped the cold gel off of my stomach, a tear silently slipped down my cheek. When I looked over at Edward, he was beaming; his eyes sparkled with unshed tears and with daddy pride._

_As the nurse left the room, Edward helped me up into a sitting position and placed both of his hands on the sides of my face, "I love you, Isabella Cullen."_

_He leaned down and placed sweet loving kisses all over my belly and spoke, "And you too, baby Ryan, with all of my heart."_

_*_

My eyes opened, and I was angry. I was sick to death of these dreams. I was having them nightly since the day I had found Edward's things gone and him nowhere to be found.

I glanced over at my alarm clock to see that it was only four thirty. I wasn't going back to sleep only to have another sweet dream or should I say a beautiful nightmare.

I dragged myself out of my bed and wrapped myself up in Edward's robe and shuffled into his slippers. Making my way downstairs, I headed straight for my coffee maker.

After pouring myself a cup, I went and snuggled into my recliner in the living room and turned on the TV, still having a few hours before my kids woke up.

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to Rosalie nudging my arm and Emmett heading down the stairs with Ryan in tow. Ava was sitting at the bar in the kitchen eating a bagel.

Rose spoke three words as quietly as possible.

"He's sick, Bella."

"What do you mean he's sick?! Is he in the hospital? Cancer? What the hell are you talking about Rose?!" Now I was wide awake and scared.

Emmett was sitting Ry down in his high chair next to Ava at the bar, placing a handful of cheerios on his tray and glanced over to me before coming to sit in the living room.

"No, he's not in the hospital. No, he doesn't have cancer," he calmly spoke.

"Neither of you are explaining anything to me. If you're both as smart as I think you are, you're going to tell me exactly what is going on, and you're going to tell me now."

Rose stepped back into the kitchen to clean up Ava's mess while chatting with her about her time at the water park with her grandparents, obviously wanting no part in what Emmett was about to tell me.

Emmett took a minute, like he was trying to decide how to word things, but he only said one.

"Drugs."

My mind began racing in that moment. They were wrong. They had to be.

Or could it be possible Emmett could be completely right. I stood from my chair and made my way over to the sink that was overflowing with dishes and started washing them. Instead of being a lump while sad and hurt, stress seemed to get me up and off my ass.

As I was finishing up with the kitchen, I came to the conclusion that most of everything Edward had done and was continuing to do, made sense with Emmett's accusation.

Had he really thrown away his life with me and our children for drugs?


	4. Chapter 4

**Some of you may already know, but this here shit is something that I've recently dealt with. To some degree, I am still dealing with the aftermath. **

**Things here, may or may not have happened/be happening in my real life.**

**First- I am not a stripper, but I would be...if I didn't lack on the boobs and ass. Boo!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these people. :(**

* * *

JPOV

Edward Cullen is the biggest dumb shit I've ever met. No, I take that back, I'm a damn moron. Seven or eight years ago I convinced myself that Edward was the man for Izz, at that time. They had that perfectly nauseating high school romance. I knew that Izz was the girl I would always regret not putting myself out there for. Edward truly seemed to make her happy. I kept my feelings shut up inside me.

I couldn't help throwing up in the bathroom after seeing her in such a demeaning way.. I excused myself with as much etiquette as possible in a situation like that. I mean really, how often do you go to a slummy strip club and find "the one that got away" swinging from a pole?

What the hell was Edward thinking? What had he done to turn this beautiful woman into what I saw? Even as run down as she was, I still felt the tug at my heart. And as masochistic as it was, I couldn't help hoping I could fix whatever he had broken.

In that moment I realized I _still_ loved Isabella Swan.

Learning that the person you love has taken a job at a strip club was the most excruciating thing I've been experienced. Seeing her up on that pole swinging herself above a bunch of dirty, hungry men ignited a beast inside me. I wanted to run to her, cover her, and take her as far away as I could. I couldn't imagine just how bad of a situation Edward had left her in if she would consider working at a place like that. It wasn't the Isabella Swan that I remembered. It nearly tore my heart out to think how damaged this must have left her.

The last time I'd spoken to Jake, Billy had told him that Bella and Edward were doing great, just had their second baby, and were living the all American-life: a life I could picture _myself_ having with her, a life I'd have cherished with all my being.

Three weeks ago, I found out that the job that I had bid on came through, and I was ecstatic because I knew I'd be bound to bump into some old friends, or at least just Izz. Edward and I weren't really friends, though we got along well enough. I guess It's hard to like a guy who was walking the path you thought your life would naturally take.

.

When I finished getting all the supplies I'd need to start the new project, I headed home to get ready to go out to lunch with Izz and her kids. I've never really been around too many and I was a bit nervous about meeting them.

I decided to dress on a more casual side. I would have loved to rent a horse drawn carriage and wear a tuxedo, complete with a dozen long stem roses, and rescue Izzy. I suppose my favorite black button down, Dockers, and comfy boat shoes would have to do. For all I knew, I would have fit in better with my vintage Star Wars t-shirt. However, Operation Fix Izzy" called for something a little nicer.

Grabbing my cell, wallet, and keys, I headed out the door, ready to go and meet Izz and her kids at McDonalds. I took a long slow breath in and blew it out as slowly as I could.

I walked into the Play Place area to find Izz and her kids already at a table, Ryan in a highchair, fisting some apple slices and Ava measuring her French fries, trying to find the longest ones. Izz was talking to someone on her phone. She glanced up at me and smiled as I approached, saying a quick goodbye before I sat down.

I walked over to where she sat and held out my arms in invitation. "I wasn't interrupting, was I?"

To my delight, she smiled and took me up on my offer. She felt better than I remembered. As inconspicuously as I could, I nuzzled my nose into her hair, relishing this moment for all that it was.

My original thought was correct. Edward Cullen was a dumb shit!

*

BPOV

Jasper walked over to me and held his arms open, silently asking for a hug. Placing my phone on the table, I stood up and smiled, leaning into his warm body. He was much larger than I remembered. Of course, he was a man now. Not the awkward and scrawny, but cute kid I'd known and loved back then.

"Nope, it was just Emmett', I said slowly, untangling my arms that had made their way around his torso and up to his shoulders, a bit surprised that my body was being reluctant.

Jasper and I had been pretty close once he had transferred into our school and looking back now, I guess I can admit that I'd always felt a tinge more for him than I probably should have.

Even with everything that I had swallowed this morning, I was genuinely happy to be here in this germ infested, parental version of hell, eating this terrible food with him.

"Ava, can you say hi to Mama's friend Jasper?" I asked while pointing to him and smiling.

She looked at him for a second, debating her words and without surprise she greeted him, "Hi, Jasper. I'm four, see," she paused while opening up her chicken nugget carton. "One, two, three, four!"

"Well, aren't you a smart princess? And is this your little brother, Ryan?" Jasper asked her with a perfectly expert, kid-friendly tone. You're either born with kid-sense, or you'll never get it.

His eyes lit up, and I could see he was a man born to have a family. I briefly wondered why he hadn't started one yet, or if he even wanted to marry and have children one day.

"You're not eating?" Jasper asked with concern.

"Eh, you weren't here yet; I thought I'd wait for you. We can eat while Ava runs around like a little maniac in the tube mazes," I answered.

"Well then, what'll it be?"

My appetite was pretty shitty since Edward had left, and recently I've had to force myself to eat. "Uh, a chocolate shake and a small fry?" I replied with a shy smile.

"You got it." He spun around on the chair and rushed off to the counter without questioning my skimpy, unhealthy choice.

I was letting Ava off of her booster to go play when Jasper came back. "One fry and one melted ice cream," he teased, placing them both in front of me. He'd ordered himself a chicken sandwich and a soda.

Ryan was starting to get fidgety not being able to get down and play in the mini ball pit area, and Jasper noticed. "Alright, buddy, how about you and me go get crazy?" He stood, picking Ry up from his chair, and let a laugh out when a handful of fries and nugget bites fell to his feet.

To say that I was shocked was an understatement. I couldn't believe what was going on in front of my own eyes. My son didn't once show any second thoughts about a strange man picking him up.

Jasper bypassed the mini ball pit and climbed right up and through the tubes with my babies. He jumped into that ball pit like he was five and took to all six or seven kids in there like a pro, balls bouncing off his head and all.

Exhausted, all three of them emerged from the pit and slouched down on the carpeted floor in front of the shoe keeper.

I picked up the kids' shoes and walked over to them, smiling to myself. This could not have gone any better. My mood had been brightened in just a short hour or two, and my kids had a blast with a great man.

As I started tying up Ryan's Thomas sneakers, I glanced at Jasper. He was trying to figure out the mini buckles on Miss Ava's red Dorothy shoes. My quiet giggles erupted into full laughter. "Whaaa? Give a man a chance," he pleaded while continuing to get his fingers to work the small hardware.

"How about you come along home with us We can watch a movie and have a real meal?" I asked while picking my son up off of the dirty floor.

"Yeah! Beauty, Mama! Belle!" Ava chimed in excitedly. "You'll love it Jasper, please, please! We can make popcorn too, huh Mama?!"

"It's a date, Princess," Jasper answered without hesitation while wrapping his hand around hers.

Jasper helped buckle Ava into her booster while I got Ryan strapped into his side. "You want to just follow me to my place?" I asked, as I shut Ryan's door.

"Lead the way."

*

Macaroni and cheese and hot dogs, I've barely cooked anything in weeks and didn't imagine having any dinner guests over, so of course, nothing had been pulled out of the freezer.

I stood over the stove and stirred the shells to make sure they wouldn't stick while peeking through to the living room. Jasper was on the floor between Ava and Ryan, building a castle of some sort with their Mega Blocks. He continued to amaze me throughout the afternoon and into the evening.

He'd already been subjected to a tea party, complete with princess crowns and strands of fake pearls. He took it gracefully and never seemed annoyed or bored. Ryan's slobbery mess covered his arm when he'd been rough housing on the floor with them both. Then, at some point, Jasper had taken a book to the head.

Edward and I shared most of our friends, and having someone outside of the Cullen's would be good for me. I really needed to start thinking about me; if Jasper was giving me a boost that I needed, great.

He was good with my kids. He was a man that I felt I could always trust. He wasn't a part of that Cullen world I was so wrapped up in for such a long time.

Dinner had gone pretty well. In all, only a handful of hotdog pieces and a stray shell or two had wound up on the floor. I could always count on Ry to eat his mac'n cheese, and he didn't disappoint.

Ava hadn't forgotten about watching _Beauty and the Beast_ and as soon as she finished her last gulp of milk from her cup, she started pushing, "Lets go, let's go!" pulling Jasper up and out of his chair by his pinky.

"Can I help your mom clean up first, kiddo?" he asked.

"It's okay, Jas, I can handle it," I said, while piling all of the dishes up to load them into the dishwasher.

I had made it into the living room fairly quickly because Belle was still singing while sitting on the water fountain. Ava was curled up and tucked into Jasper's arm on the couch. Ryan's day must have exhausted him, because he was asleep in the middle of floor next to the castle they had built earlier.

When the Beast began making his transformation, I got up off of the couch to bring Ryan up to his room and by the time I'd tucked him in, turned his night light on, and shut his door a bit, Jasper was already up stairs with Ava cradled, asleep in his arms.

"Where's her bed?" he whispered.

I led him to her bedroom, and laid her down and tucked her into bed. Before walking away, he placed a loving kiss on her forehead and whispered something I wasn't able to hear into her ear.

I stood in the door way, leaning against the door frame. I crossed my arms over my chest, and smiled as he stepped out around me. For a moment, I remained in the door way, and continued staring at my daughter in her peaceful sleep. Jasper broke my trance by whispering, "Did I forget something?"

"Nothing at all," I answered in a hushed tone, turning to head back downstairs. "Come on, lets get a cup of tea."

Drinking our tea in a somewhat awkward silence, like we'd both been waiting for the other to talk first. He finally asked the one question, the question that I would normally try and avoid like the plague. For some reason, I wasn't this time, it was more like I was waiting for it. Waiting and finally ready to talk.

"If ya don't mind my asking, sweetie, what happened? Why did Edward leave?"

My thoughts briefly went back to the conversation I'd had with Emmett while waiting for Jasper earlier at lunch. He gave me a little more of a reason as shitty as it might be.

"_I found him at Laurent's today, Bella," he continued, without giving me any time to respond, "He was there by himself and after he let me in, acting really annoyed I had gone there, he sat down on the couch. While I was trying to talk to him, get him to talk to me, he just kept nodding out. That's when I noticed his arms."_

"_His arms?" I asked, not having a clue._

"_Yes, Bella. He has track marks up and down his left arm. He's shooting. We have a huge battle in front of us. We've got to get him out of whatever kind of _life_ he thinks he's living."_

"_Wait, what? Edward is shooting…heroin?! You've got to be wrong, Em. Seriously. Edward has never been into drugs. Why would he just pick up something so hugely wrong out of nowhere?" I was either in denial, or he was completely off base._

"_Bella, I know this is something really hard to hear, but I've seen it before and I've also met Laurent and some of his friends a few times. It makes perfect sense. The why's and how's and when's are something that only Edward will be able to answer. And even if he does accept and get help, we still might not ever get those answers."_

"_Okay, Emmett, if you're right, I will do whatever I can to help, but right now I'm out with the kids at lunch and a friend meeting me just showed up, call me tomorrow?"_

I took a moment before answering. Jasper was being nothing but patient. I picked up my mug and cradled both of my hands around it, taking a sip and a deep breath before I started talking.

"I was at Rose and Emmett's house for the day helping with the nursery. No, they aren't pregnant yet. I came home to find all of his things gone. Everything that belonged to him was gone. He didn't and still doesn't take my phone calls, but Emmett thinks he knows what he's been up to," I paused, contemplating my next words.

"I'm so sorry, Izz," Jas said, showing that he was genuinely sorry, "I will help in any way that I can., You know that. Right?"

"You have helped, Jasper. My day today. was the best day I've had since he's left. My kids were laughing and having a blast. They really like you. I was smiling; I didn't cry, and all day, not once, did my stress and anxieties rear their ugly heads." Pausing, I smiled and reached for his hand to give it a small squeeze of thanks.

"Em said that he's shooting heroin. He was showing all the signs and symptoms, none of which I have no clue about, and that he had track marks up and down his arm. None of it makes any sense to me. Edward was never into drugs, and he always seemed like he was happy with his life..."

Was I wrong about all of that, too?

Jasper reached back for my hand and held it firmly, not letting go before responding.

"Bella, I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you. You are the strongest woman I know. You're a great mother and such a wonderful person. You don't deserve any of this, and I can't even imagine why someone that had such a great life, a great family, would run off for a life on the streets. I could never throw everything away; I could never devalue you like that. You and Edward everything that I've wanted and prayed for for myself."

Jasper had a look on his face like he'd edited what he'd said. I immediately wanted to know.

"Thanks, Jas. You've always been such a great friend." Yawning, I stood to place my cup in the sink. Turning to sit back down at the bar, Jasper was behind me, mug in hand, and placed it in the sink.

"You're exhausted, You get some sleep. I'm only a phone call away, Bella. Please, always remember that."

A little bummed out that he was leaving, and that I'd have to face sleep again,I found myself wrapping my arms around him. "Thanks, thank you for listening"

"I'm always here for ya, Sweetie, always," he said while giving me a tight squeeze.

I unwrapped myself from his embrace and walked him to the door. He said goodbye and made me promise to call him if I ever needed him. I watched him drive away.

Making my way into the kitchen, I pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge and grabbed a couple Tylenol PM's, swallowing them quickly.

I dreaded my nights. I dreaded lying in my empty bed tossing and turning while wishing sleep would and wouldn't come.

I wished it would come because functioning on no sleep wasn't something I enjoyed. Especially with a rambunctious four-year-old and a spunky almost one-year-old that still needed me so much.

I wished it wouldn't come, because the damn dreams that I was never spared woke me up angry, sad, and even more broke than I was the previous day. I feared that soon enough, I wouldn't be able to function, and that scared me.

I climbed the stairs and took a quick steaming shower. I made a snap decision and took my blanket, pillow and the old baby monitor with me down stairs. Hopefully, a change of scenery would help.

I curled up in a ball with my knees hugged closely to my chin and watched the blue light from the clock on the DVR, waiting for sleep to take me. Wishing it would drag me into my beautiful hell before it would wake me up and bring me more pain that would further break me.

The faint woodsy smell of Jasper lingered on my couch. Somehow the smell of him brought me comfort. I buried my face into the cushion, trying to breath in as much as I could. I must have fallen asleep fairly quickly, which was something new to me. Not once was I awoken by a dream, but rather the obnoxious ringing of my phone at three A.M.

The _one_ freaking night that I hadn't been woken up by a stupid, beautiful nightmare, someone decided to call me in the middle of the most peaceful sleep I've had in weeks.

Did I really even want to see who it was? Because didn't I already know?


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks again, PTB :) And thank you to those who are sticking around through this mess. **

**Disclaimer- I don't own SM or her people. **

**PS. Are you reading Smoking In The Boys Room? Yes? Good! No? WTH are you waiting for?**

* * *

_BPOV_

I still had my eyes closed as I fumbled for my phone in the darkness. Somehow I had wedged it in between the couch cushions. By the time I got it open, it read _1 missed call._

_Ugh, should I even bother ruining my perfect night's sleep?_ I snapped it shut and buried it back in the cushions.

I laid there and tried to get back to sleep, but my mind wouldn't shut down.

It had to be Edward. Who else would be so thoughtless as to call at three in the morning? Did I even want to subject myself to that right now? Maybe it wasn't even him...what if it was Emmett, or Jasper, or even Alice? What if something was wrong? Maybe something happened to Renee or Charlie.

Annoyed I had to fumble around in the cushions to find my phone again, I pressed "1" to listen to my messages.

_Figures_ .

An emotionless Edward simply said, "Just me. Wondering if I can come see the kids tomorrow."

I couldn't believe one phone call and voice mail could make my blood boil. The more I thought about everything that was going on and everything Emmett had said, the more the pieces began to fit. Edward must be addicted to drugs.

This was not the man I married. This was just an empty shell of the man was once in love with, had built a life with, and had children with.

I didn't think I could handle a conversation with him right now. A text would have to do, I was sure talking to him in my current mind set would probably just end with me crying on the floor in a ball.

My text reply was simple and to the point._ Be here at 9. We'll talk. I might have to run out for a bit._

Of course, all of this would be contingent on his current state in the morning. Emmett had already planned on coming so I could have some time for myself. I was sure the kids would be fine with Em. but I wouldn't want them around Edward if he was high. I'd have to see if he was okay in the morning to make sure he was capable of being normal around my children.

As far as I was concerned, they were _my_ kids, not _ours_. He'd given up the right to call them his after what he'd chosen over them.

I'd already decided to take Alice up on her offer and go to yoga with her when Em called yesterday to see if he could come play with the kids for a few hours.

Between Alice and Jasper, I was starting to get a bit of my old self back. It was a different version of me, but I felt like this new version was stronger.

Maybe, I'd be able get through this without losing everything I'd worked so hard to preserve. I couldn't live in limbo, always worrying, always wondering...forever questioning Edward's decisions and motives. It would be like living in the shadow of the woman I was. In order to be the mother my children needed and deserved, I had to be a whole person.

My thoughts weren't making much sense anymore. I tucked my phone back into the cushions and threw my body back into its state of comfort, still surrounded by Jasper's slow-fading scent. I curled myself into a fetal position and closed my eyes, letting exhaustion overtake me.

*

I awoke from my wonderfully dreamless sleep and tried to prepare for the day. Em came around seven and helped me get breakfast ready for all of us. Thankfully he must have known I was too busy with my own thoughts to carry on a real conversation.

He just grinned and started talking in true Emmett fashion. "So, I guess Rosie found some more tips on getting pregnant. She's convinced I need to go on an all fruit diet. She said something about how the strawberries and cantaloupe will cleanse my body." I choked on my morning coffee.

To my surprise, Edward showed up just before eight.

The kids and Em were in the middle of eating breakfast when he walked in.

It bothered me that he felt comfortable walking right in the front door without bothering to knock first. Ava heard the door close and turned around in her seat to see her father for the first time in weeks.

The look on her face almost brought me to my knees. I'd tried to mentally prepare myself for this, but I didn't think there was a handbook on how to handle these sorts of situations in any etiquette handbook I'd seen.

Ava's face broke into a beautiful and excitedsmile as she squealed, "Daddy! You're home!"

Edward walked up behind her and lifted her head a bit to kiss her forehead. "Hi, baby."

He took a step to the side to sit next to her, picking her up and placing her on his lap. "You being a good girl for your mama?" he asked like he'd just come home from work, placing another kiss on her cheek.

"Uh huh," Ava replied with a mouth full of scrambled eggs.

Edward reached over and rustled Ryan's head full of messy locks. "Good morning, Ry Guy!"

Ryan smiled and continued mashing his eggs with his spoon. "Haa Dada."

Giggling, he tossed his spoon, and it landed on Ava's dish. Edward picked it up and started to feed Ryan. Was he kidding? Was he going to walk into _my_ home and act like everything was normal and fine?

"Ava, can you take Uncle Em and help him wash up and then brush your teeth for Mama, please?" I asked her while picking up her plate, bringing it to the sink.

"Come on mama! Daddy just got here!" she pleaded while looking at her father for an answer.

With a pouty face Emmett began his over dramatized whine. "Please, Ava? I don't think I can remember how to turn on the water right. And which soap am I supposed to use?"

"It's okay, baby. I'll be here when you get back downstairs. I promise."

I hoped he wouldn't make promises to her he didn't intend on keeping. That would open up a whole new can of worms. A can of worms Edward wouldn't be happy about.

"Okay, fine…come on, Uncle Em." She rolled her eyes and took him by the pinky to lead him up the stairs.

I washed up Ry's face and hands and let him out of his highchair before placing his plate in the sink. Rinsing all of the dishes, I placed them in the washer.

I debated whether this would be the best time to have this conversation with Edward. I decided to give it a shot while Ava was still upstairs showing Em, for the hundredth time, how to properly wash his hands.

"Edward, don't shelter me or sugar coat anything. What the _fuck_ is going on with you? And what the fuck is going on with us?" I said, shocking both myself and Edward with my free use of cuss words.

After his brief pause from my outburst Edward spoke. "I left because I just felt like we were robots. You, being the great mother you are while I was just sat here, doing the same thing day in and day out. I want to feel what we used to have, and I don't think we can get that back with me being in the house. I'm not saying I want to file for divorce or I want to end things, Bella. I just think we need some sort of break."

Seriously, he couldn't even be honest with me. I guessed any sort of real talk wasn't going to happen now, especially when I knew the tenuous hold on my tears and emotions wouldn't last.

Whether he was lying about the situation he put us in, he didn't seem to be under the influence of anything at the moment, and I decided it was okay to head out and meet up with Alice while Em was here to help with the kids.

"Do you want to hang around with Em for a few hours while I go to my yoga class?"

"Yoga?" Edward repeated, a questioning tone to his voice.

"Yeah, I'm heading there with a friend. I mean, Em is here to watch the kids, so it really isn't a big deal if you have plans or something."

"Of course I'll stay. I miss the kids."

Glancing over at Edward I nodded. I wiped my hands on a dish towel, and picked up my bag, tossing in a bottle of water and grabbing my car keys and phone, I headed up the stairs to my daughter, who was already half way down.

"Mama's going out for a little bit. You be a good girl. No fighting with Ryan, and have fun with Uncle Em and Daddy. I won't be long, baby."

"Ok, Mama!"

I kissed my daughter on the cheek and went into the living room, where Edward was on the floor tossing around a ball with Edward and knelt down to kiss him on top of his head, before heading out to my car.

Picking up my phone, I dialed Alice's number.

"Good morning!" she chirped. That would take some getting used to.

"Hey. Al. It's Bella. I was thinking I'd take you up on that yoga offer."

"Oh?! I usually go on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. An extra day though? Great."

I giggled quietly. "Are you sure? It's okay, really. I can go by myself." Not that I really wanted to.

"Of course I'm coming! A girl can never be too flexible," she said with a giggle. "I'll see you in a few!" she squeaked before hanging up.

I waited in the parking lot until I saw Alice pull up. Crowds and a bunch of strangers was never my thing, and I'd be much more comfortable walking in there with a friend. I waved at her as she parked her flashy car.

She stepped out wearing a pair of gray yoga pants, and a loose, black off the shoulder top with what looked like a bright pink sports bra underneath it, and a pair of pink flip flops. And she still looked cute! _Go figure_.

"Looks like we'll have to get you some comfy yoga clothes too!" she piped up, looking at my Hollister t-shirt and tear away track pants.

_Great, I guess this means more shopping with this maniacal little person._

"So, exactly what do people do in yoga class anyway? It's just a bunch of stretching, right?" I asked Alice as we walked through the doors. Alice immediately removed her shoes when we got no more than ten feet inside the studio. I quickly followed suit.

Alice chuckled quietly. "Kind of—I mean, there's a bit more than that. Just remember to be fairly quiet while we're in there. If you get lost, try to just follow my lead. It'll be tough for you the first couple weeks, but things will start to get easier the more often you come." She looked up at me like she was waiting for an answer to a question she didn't ask.

"No promises, Alice," I added, smiling shyly.

"So, to answer your question, yes, there are stretches. Some will be weird to you at first, but they are super beneficial and will help you with your flexibility when it comes to your," she paused, "work."

I guess that was the only explanation I was going to get. Alice grabbed my hand and led me into a room filled with people stretching on colored mats. The instructor fiddled with a radio set up along the side of the room before stepping to her own mat.

_Please, for the love of all that is holy, let me actually benefit from…or tolerate this._

"Not only that," Alice said, continuing her yoga sales pitch from outside the room, "but this will be good for you. It helps with balance, strength, and stress release." Glancing at me, she added, "And it's just an all around great class."

All the bending and twisting was only a little difficult for me. I'd once taken gymnastics, giving up only a few months into it, but I remember the teacher telling me I was a pretty flexible kid. Maybe I hadn't lost all my flexibility since then, even if it had been years ago.

After the yoga class, Alice and I walked over to some sort of a juice bar; I just let her order me something "manageable and stomach friendly," which she giggled at while I stared at the chalkboard menu.

"So, um, I'm having a small party with cake and ice cream for my little guy on Saturday afternoon. Any plans? I'd love for you to come meet the kids. The only thing is, no one knows about the job."

"Oh! I'd love to come," she answered. "How old is he going to be, and what time?"

"He's going to be one, and I was thinking around two-ish. That way it's after lunch, before dinner, and most importantly, before work."

"Fantastic! I love buying gifts for little ones. I have the perfect idea!" she said as we walked out to our cars.

After saying goodbye and placing a kiss on my cheek-- which I wasn't at all used to, but was very Alice-like-- she climbed into her car and drove off.

Edward had been jobless for quite a few months, unemployment checks his only income, so I was annoyed by what I found when I got home .

All four of them were out back jumping like animals, having a blast in a Bounce House.

_Wonderful_. Instead of offering me some money to pay bills or take care of the kids, he rented a Bounce House? Inwardly sighing, I called him over to where I was standing on the deck.

"Edward, I'm having cake and ice cream for Ryan on Saturday around two. Will you be able to make it?"

"I'll be here. Listen, I've gotta run. I'll call you soon," he said, almost in a rush.

He ran over to the kids, who were jumping around crazily, and called them over to the door of the bounce house, kissing them before he walked away. Ava must have been upset, because she just sat there and watched him walk up to the deck and in through the doors that led to the kitchen. Em tried his best to distract her and get her jumping again.

"I'll try to call you soon, but I'll see you Saturday afternoon," Edward said while attempting to kiss me. I flinched and immediately backed away.

"Okay," I said, turning to head into the living room to start picking up the mess the kids managed to make in the two hours I was gone. I heard him sighing as he walked to the door to leave.

"Ya know, Bella, I still love you, and I know things will work out."

I wasn't so sure they would. That they'd work out the way he really wanted them to anyway.

Emmett left not long after. He didn't offer up much insight as to what they did while I was gone. He said he offered to cover the cost of the Bounce House, but Edward refused the money. I watched as he walked to the door, lifting a small wolf knickknack and placing a fifty under it.

"Edward might not want my money, but you can't tell me no."

With that, he jogged out the door and to his Jeep.

I tried to catch him, and I had just opened the front door as he was backing up. He waved, and I could still see his dimples from where I was standing.

*

EPOV

I knew Bella wasn't happy with me. I knew she thought what I was doing was all kinds of fucked up, and she suspected that I was hiding something. I still wasn't able to admit it to myself.

Months ago when I'd run into Laurent, I found myself getting into something I'd once sworn off. I knew that it could destroy people's lives, kill people. I had always thought is was the dirtiest kind of drug around. But even thinking all of that, it didn't curtail my curiosity.

I couldn't very well stay in the house while I was all doped up. I didn't want to subject my kids to that. I'd have to get myself clean before trying to fix things with Bella. The only problem was, things were becoming worse. Would I be able to patch things up with Bella after finally admitting to her what had happened? It was a long shot, but something I would work tirelessly on.

When I wasn't all doped up, I hurt. I hurt thinking about how badly I had broken her, how badly this was affecting my children. Which is why I kept doing what I was doing, it made me not feel.

I sold drugs to support my own habit. When I was high, I was numb, and when I was numb, I felt none of the pain and hurt. I was at a loss as to how I was going to get myself out of this mess.

Whatever it took, I was giving myself a month to come clean with my wife, and I would do what I needed to get off the drugs.

Once I drove away and was out of her driveway, I immediately searched around through my glove box. I pulled over to the side of the road and started to set myself up with my high. The high would give me the immediate numbness I desperately craved. I needed to escape the pain I was feeling. She'd turned away from my kiss and actually acted like I meant little to her, like I was nothing. Even if she was just acting, she was doing a damn good job.

_Man, did I fuck up my perfectly wonderful life. When my month was over, would I even still be alive? Would I be able to enter some sort of program and walk out completely cured and be able to live and function like the man I was six months ago, before this had all started?_

I watched the blood draw into the needle and slowly pushed the liquid into my veins, immediately feeling my head and lips go numb. I took a deep breath and tucked the shit I'd just used under my seat and drove away, back to Laurent's house, letting out a sigh of contentment.

*

BPOV

The rest of the day seemed to fly by, and after I had bathed the kids and read them their bedtime stories, I tucked them both in and made my way downstairs to empty the dishwasher and pick up any stray toys that made their way back out of their toy boxes.

I crashed on my couch and pondered my day. I had seen my husband and survived it, even the kiss I denied him. I survived a yoga class, even though my calves felt like they were on fire and I survived watching him walk out of the door.

After finding nothing on the TV to interest me, I fiddled with the phone in my hand and noticed a text message I somehow missed during the day.

_Hey sweetie, how's your day going?_

I answered back. _Hey Jas, must have missed the text. It was interesting to say the least. Draining._

_How 'bout I bring a movie over?_

I replied quickly._ Sure, it'd be nice to have some company._

_See you in about 20, Beauty._

I felt myself getting a bit more excited than I expected. Butterflies were taking over my stomach, and I found myself picking up my already clean living room and making sure things were in order_. Just sit down, Bells, relax._


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N- We are halfway there to getting in some completlynew crap! Iamthrilled about that. It's been a long, long road.**

**MaggieCullen... ILY, for many reasons, but mostly because you tear my shit up and make it readable. PTB, thank you for your continuing help.**

**Disclaimer: *sigh*i still don't own. **

**(ShortER chapter. SS)**

JPOV

I paced in front of my seemingly never ending DVD rack for what felt like forever. Finally, I decided on several DVD's in different genres so that Izz would have a variety to choose from. Hopefully one of them would be something she'd enjoy.

After quickly shoving my feet into my shoes before heading out the door, I fumbled with my keys while trying to balance the candy, popcorn, and DVD's without dropping something. I hopped in my truck, and headed straight to Izzy's house.

Gathering up the small stock pile of movies, Jiffy Pop, and the bag of Sour Patch Kids, I got out of my truck and headed for her door.

Izz must have heard the quiet purr of my engine because by the time I approached her stairs, she was there, holding the door and giving me one of her signature smiles.

She glanced down at the snacks, "Jas! You remembered?!" she said, enthusiasm taking her over.

"Of course. We always put the DVD in and head to the kitchen, skip the previews and eat all the sour patch kids--while we burn the popcorn," I replied, walking through her door.

Some weekends when Billy and Charlie would go fishing, Izz, Leah and sometimes Seth and I would head over to Jake's house. Predictably, we would always burn the damn Jiffy Pop while we were too busy catching Sour Patch Kids in our mouths.

Izz laughed her giddy high school laugh I'd never forget, and always want to hear. I'd missed it terribly.

"So how about we leave the candy in the living room and watch the previews after we make the popcorn?" She winked before heading into the kitchen, popcorn in hand.

Placing the DVD's on the coffee table with the candy, I followed her into the kitchen.

Izz stood in front of the stove swirling the tin bowl over the flame, determined not to burn it like we had so many times back in high school.

Isabella was still simply beautiful. Her long chestnut hair was pulled up into a messy bun. She wore a pair of orange and black flannel pajama pants with a white tank top and the biggest, most ridiculous pair of dog slippers I'd ever seen. She looked amazing.

Turning her head and glancing towards me, she smiled and spoke with determination, "So help me, this time, we're going to be able to eat this friggin popcorn."

I shook silently trying to suppress my laugh, failing entirely. When I got myself to calm down a bit, I started listing the movies I'd brought over.

"So, we've got _Happy Gilmore, Transformers, Chuck and Larry, Lost, I-Ro_…" I stopped short after noticing her questioning glace.

"LOST? What season?"

"The first season of course. You can't exactly just jump into _Lost_ from any season." I answered.

"Great! _Lost _it is," Izz said, as she opened the fridge to grab us some drinks.

"Ahh, sweetie…" I grimaced, "I'm fairly certain that popcorn isn't going to be edible."

Izzy closed the refrigerator and glanced over towards the stove with a disappointed look.

"Damnit! Who would have guessed this many years later Jiffy Pop would still hate us?"

"Oh, beautiful, it doesn't hate us. It's simply reminding us. Reminding us of all the fun we used to have during those weekends," I smiled, "but at least we didn't eat all the candy before the movie started!" I winked and headed for the DVD player and popped in the first disc.

While Izz was still fiddling around in the kitchen, probably waiting for the aluminum to cool down before tossing it in the garbage, I was trying to decide whether to sit on the loveseat, couch or recliner. So many choices; if I chose the couch, she would probably sit on the other end. If I chose the recliner, she wouldn't even have a chance to chose. However, if I sat in the loveseat, would that make me seem presumptuous that she would want to sit so close to me?

Luckily, Izz made my choice for me. She plopped down on the loveseat and patted the cushion next to her in invitation.

Could this just be the Izz from back in high school? Or could this mean something more? The TV was in front of the love seat, and therefore had the best view. My kind was obviously going to over analyze every minute detail in an effort to drive myself insane.

I knew that Isabella _Cullen_ was a newly abandoned, married woman and I wasn't sure I wanted to be her possible rebound.

The movie started to play, but my mind, obviously determined to further torture myself, just kept bringing up old memories.

_Jake and Leah had left to go to the corner store for some idiot proof popcorn while Izz and I were playing a game of Scat __A__fter my first draw, I easily won the hand. In a cute and friendly, yet slightly erotic way, she climbed across the shaky old coffee table on all fours. She resembled a lioness and proceeded to pounce onto my lap. I allowed her to think she had the upper hand and even let her feel as though she was winning for awhile before I started to vigorously wrestle back. _

_I wound up pinning her in a flash, with her arms above her head, my right hand holding them together. They were resting on the arm of the small, dingy, blue corduroy sofa, while my left hand was barely resting on her soft, bare hip. All our rough housing had caused her faded, well-worn Rolling Stone's T-shirt to gather together and exposea sliver of her porcelain skin._

_We__'__d stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, staring intensely into each other__'__s eyes. Those beautiful, warm chocolate orbs that shined in the ray of sunlight that was seeped through the blinds of the small window; bringing further definition to the brilliant gold-sparkling flecks in her eyes. _

_I briefly wondered if she had the same tingly feeling I always experienced in her presence, I wondered if her feelings were the same for me. I knew her love for Edward ran deep, but I had to wonder if we could have more than that. It was doubtful. I knew he lived in her soul and she in his. It certainly wasn__'__t the typical high school r__omance__ that kids our age had._

_I had to at least try. I slowly arched my back allowing me to bend my head down for a kiss. She frowned and pushed me away, __"__Jas, you know I can__'__t.__"_

_I did know that. I hated knowing it. I hated that Isabella Swan would never be mine._

I was startled out of my memory by a baby's cough.

"Please, please don't let him come down with a cold. Ry Guy…" there was an awkward pause before she continued, "Uh, Ryan's turning one on Saturday, wanna come for _cake and ice cream_, Jas?" She asked,making the tone in her voice change towards that of a bribe.

I smirked and replied, "You can always count me in for _cake and ice cream_." I mimicked.

Izz nodded, acknowledging she'd heard my reply and turned toward the TV to get back to black horses, weird polar bears, white numbered rabbits, and Mr. Smokey from _L__ost_.

Cake and icecream mentions brought on another memory of Izz.

_It was my __seventeenth__ birthday and Leah would always make some sort of crazy, heavily frosted and insanely decorated cake for me. Me, Jake, Seth and Izz would have small parties that most teenagers wouldn__'__t let you live down. Jello filled water balloons, man hunt, movies, and then our famous cake and ice cream wars._

"_Jasper Whitlock! You are too old to be having cake fights and painting ice cream on people's faces,__"__ Izz shouted. _

_She ran in circles around the Clearwater__'__s small patchy yard, half hating, half loving it. Just as she was rounding the small, rickety picnic table she__'__d caught one of the legs with her foot and fell face first into the dirt. While covering my mouth with my hand to prevent the laughs from escaping, I ran over to her with my ice cream cup and shoved it straight onto her nose, giving it a few twists, just for good measure._

"_You son of a__…__ son of a Peter, you better run!__"_

_W__iping her face with the sleeve of her gray thermal as quickly and efficiently as she could, she got up onto her feet and headed straight for me, but I__'__d already climbed to the top of the old swing set that was still sitting, rusted and chipped in the Clearwater's backyard._

_Izz turned her head towards me, blindly making her way for the back door and I watched the cute wrinkles on her nose form as she stuck her tongue out at me beforeshe was out of veiw and in the Clearwater's kitchen._

I smiled at the memory and glanced over at Izz to find her sleeping. She hadn't even lasted a full episode.

Yes, Edward Cullen was still, and always will be a scum bag. He'd stripped this wonderful woman of everything. She was exhausted, pale, and looked like she was just barely hanging on by a thread.

I made the asinine decision to lean over and place a soft kiss on her cheek, then her forehead, running thumb softly over where I'd kissed her, whispering, "Sweet dreams, Isabella."

I came up empty handed in my search for a blanket. Although I looked in nearly every inch and corner of the first floor, finding nothing. Not feeling comfortable enough to invite myself up to the second floor where her kids were, I settled on the zip up hooded sweater I was wearing and covered as much of her as I could.

When she was covered, she let out a quiet sigh of contentment, and for a moment I worried I had woken her from her slumber. She needed her sleep, so I was trying to be as careful and as quiet as I could.

I tip-toed into the kitchen and found some sticky notes.

"_Izz, I didn__'__t want to wake you. Hope you slept well. Maybe we can do lunch tomorrow?__"_

Placing the note on the coffee table to insure she'd see it when she woke up, I couldn't help noticing she had shifted a bit causing small wisps of hair to loosen from her ponytail and flow down her neck. Her cream skin was accented by her rosy cheeks, and her soft lips were upturned just a little. _What was she dreaming about, _I wondered.

I sat down on the recliner and quickly played the next episode, hoping that the DVD continuing would allow her to stay sleeping. I didn't see much of the episode since I didn't have it in me to stop stop watching her soundless, comfortable sleep.

She'd remembered our cake and ice cream wars, and our Jiffy Pop issues. Did she recall memories of our weekends often? Memories of our weekends together with Jake, Leah, and Seth, while her dad and Billy would fish, leaving us kids to wreak havoc in the our small neighborhood.

While watching Izz sleep so peacefully, my mind wondered back again.

_It must have been the __fifteenth__ time I__'__d helped her up. She was definitely not born to skate. Even though aftera frew trips and falls, Izz was having fun._

_Jake and Leah had asked if Izzy and I wanted to spend the day at the rink. It was a Friday night, I believe, because Charlie and __Billy hadn't been__ fishing, but it was after dinner and we__'__d stayed out fairly late._

"_Jas, I don__'__t think this was the best id__…"__ she fell, bringing me down with her, laughing the whole time._

_We laid there on our backs laughing for a few minutes before I pulled us both up and tried to get her safely to the bench. __"__You__'__re probably right. I__'__m obviously a natural at everything. __You__, however, should probably stick to activities where you don__'__t have to move around __so __much. How about some nice, safe hot chocolate, __klutz__? Or, do you think you might end up burning yourself,__"__ I teased her with a snort._

"_Ha. Ha. Ha.__"__ she answered dryly. __"__Very Funny. Just make sure you don__'__t forget the extra whip-__…"__ I cut her off. _

"_Yeah, yeah. __E__xtra whip cream, I know,__"__ I said, finishing her sentence. __"__Are you going to say the magic word?__"__ I __couldn'__t help provoking her a bit. _

_She rolled her eyes and answered with, __"P__lease.__"_

_When I returned, I sat down beside her and passed Izz her hot chocolate-- with extra whip cream-- while I waited for what was sure to happe__n. __I busted out in laughter when I was proven correct. Like always, she__'__d managed to turn herself into a white mustached__ mess__. _

_I was prepared for this, and used the napkins I__'__d gotten to wipe off her top lip._

_Rolling her eyes, __she took the napkin from my hand, __"__I__'__m not two, Jasper!__"__ She paused to re-wipe her mouth and smiled, __"B__ut thank you.__"_

Feeling rather voyeuristic, I realized I'd probably been watching her for far longer than I should have, and decided to head out. Glancing around the house, I made sure to shut off all of the lights, leaving only the one above the kitchen sink on.

I walked through the living room one more time, bending down to be eye level with Izz, and whispered, "You've never left my heart, Isabella. Never."

I walked to the front door and was grateful to find a lock on the door knob. I would hate to have to wake her up, and I wouldn't feel safe leaving her house unlocked and unprotected.

I climbed into my truck and started her up. The moment the radio turned on, a commercial was just changing over to music and the song that started playing wouldn't allow me to back up and pull out of the driveway just yet.

"Here Without You" by Three Doors Down and its lyrics came rolling into my head. _Could it be anymore of a coincidence? _The lyrics were repeating themselves in my mind and I couldn't help but feel sad, yet happy at the same time.

As the last chorus came began, I found myself paying a good deal of attention to them.

"_I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight girl its only you and me"_

Izz was hurting and in no place to move forward with her life right now. I though, could be her friend, a friend that would be there through thick and thin. Maybe even, for better or for worse.

Maybe one day she would be in a good place again. She would have to be; she was strong and could handle anything the world threw at her. She had two wonderful children and I could see she lived for them.

I found myself annoyed that the radio cut a good thirty seconds off of the song for some booming, loud, and highly annoying Lady Gaga song, so I reached for the power button, shutting the radio off completely.

Could Izz and I ever be together as more than just friends? Was it even like that for her?

Even if she did share the feelings that I had for her back in high school, she couldn't possibly be sharing them now. She still loved her husband.

I allowed myself to finally back out of her driveway, fighting the thought that was trying to bust through my brain.

Would _Bella _and Edward work things out? Would Edward do everything in his power to fix all the damage he'd caused his wife and kids? How the hell could he? I don't think I could forgive someone if they did that abandoned me. Or would his heroin addiction remain more important? He has to realize how shitty he's making Izz feel that he's chosen a drug over their entire life together.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N- Soon, my dears, soon! We'll be there soon! I can't wait for Chapter 13!**

**Big fluffy, pudgey, squishy hearts to MaggieCullen! *Smooch***

**and Disclaimer as always- I don't own Steph's work, saga or characters. :(**

* * *

BPOV

I opened my eyes to the sun seeping through the sheer curtains and a raspy voice calling, "Mamaaaa, mumumumum, mamaaa," from the old monitor. _Did I actually sleep through the entire night?_

Still resting on my lap was the sweater Jas was wearing last night, he must have covered me with it after I'd fallen asleep. I crawled into it and rolled the sleeves up a bit, allowing myself to still have use of my hands.

I must have fallen asleep fairly early because I didn't remember getting past the first episode on the first disk. What a crappy hostess I was.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes before noticing the bright pink Post-It on the coffee table. I couldn't help but smile before I even read it.

In Jasper's perfect chicken scratch that I clearly remembered, it read, _"Izzy, I didn't want to wake you. Hope you slept well. Maybe we can do lunch tomorrow?"_

Drowsily, I climbed the stairs to find a smiling, snotty, rosey-cheeked Ryan. Reaching his arms up for me, he let out a slobbery, "Mamaa."

"Poor baby, you're all stuffy and raspy," I cooed, while wrapping my arms around him to give him a loving snuggle.

I peeked in on Ava, who was still sleeping peacefully in her bed. She was snuggling her raggedy old Molly doll that Emmett had insisted on buying for her when she was born.

As I was placing a bowl of cantaloupe chunks onto Ry's tray, my phone rang. Inwardly sighing, I went over to the phone that hung on the wall.

Few people ever bothered to call the house phone, only telemarketers or any one of the Cullens. The caller ID made sure I knew it was 'E and R Cullen' this morning.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey Bell, you should bring my niece and nephew over. Ava promised to help pick out the crib bedding and a mini Ava-rocker for when she helps with the baby. Please." Guilting me with my daughter was a low blow – even for Rose, but I had to give it to her because she was good at what she did.

"Ryan woke up with a cold. He could be teething because he doesn't feel warm, but it's up to you."

"I'm sure we can handle a little cold over here, Bella." I could picture Rose rolling her eyes.

"Give me an hour, Rose," I said, reluctantly giving in. I really didn't want to go.

"Good. And bring play clothes for Ava. We'll be painting the closet." Boy was she pushy and at the same time, normal. She wasn't talking to me like I was that poor, crushed, Izzy…Bella.

I wasn't surprised by Rosalie finding a way out of babying me as soon as she deemed acceptable. I might be annoyed that she could still find her way back and talk to me, be all pushy and what have you, but today I woke up after a full night's sleep without the nightmare that left me stomach in knots and my eyes heavy from exhaustion.

*

"You get over here, Princess Ava, and give your Auntie a big hug!" Rose yelled across the yard while walking over to help me lug in a sick baby and my bags.

Ava ran straight into her arms, "Auntie Rose! We get to paint today?" Ava asked in excitement.

I never really did understand how Rose loved kids so much and was so wonderful when she was with mine. She was a harsh bitch to most of the adult population. Rose was always open and honest even if it would squash the person at her side. She was my best friend, and my only friend up until recently, but I could see how people would almost shudder just by seeing her out and about. Even if they didn't know her, people would stare at her like she was a queen and then run the other way, almost as if they didn't want to disappoint her.

As I was placing Ryan down on the carpet in the living room, my cell phone in my bag started ringing.

"Hey, can you grab my phone, Rose? It's in the front pocket," I asked her while I started setting Ry up with an area to play.

"Alice?" Rose asked, as she placed the phone in my hand.

I looked at her and rolled my eyes. Was I not allowed to meet new people and have new friends?

"Hi Alice. Sorry I couldn't make it this morning. Ry woke up with a nasty cold."

After my short conversation with Alice ended the drill began. I was _not_ prepared. What an idiot. I never thought I'd have to explain to my sister-in-law that I had a new friend.

"So…" she began while fingering through Ava's hair, "Who's Alice?"

With Ava sitting there, the few things that I could possibly tell her literally, that would make some sense were out. Ava would nark me out in a second.

"She's someone I bumped into at a coffee shop. I wound up. Covering us both in coffee." I faked a small laugh. "We'd run into each other a few times since and I started a yoga class with her yesterday."

Clapping my hands, I mimicked my son to keep myself busy rather than looking like a liar. Of course, Rose wasn't going to drop it, whether it was about Alice or the yoga.

"Bella, yoga? Really? And here you've led us all to believe you've locked yourself up in your house. Avoiding all of us, yet now there's an Alice?" She asked, sounding highly annoyed.

"Geez, Rose, harsh much?" I said glancing toward my daughter to see if she had sensed the tension. She rarely missed anything and today was certainly no different.

"Mama, who's Alice?"

"Mommy's new friend, baby. You'll meet her Saturday. She's coming to Ry's party," I told her.

Rosalie shook her hands through Ava's hair. "Alright kiddo, go on and change into your play clothes. Then go pick out a snack and when you're all done come and get me so we can get to work!"

As soon as Ava headed down the hall with her clothes to the bathroom, Rose crawled down to Ryan's level and placed a giant kiss on his rosey cheek, "Ry-Guy! How are you still all smiley when you're sick?"

I sighed. The Ry-Guy thing had come from Edward. He gave Ryan that nick name before he was even born or we had even officially decided on a name. Since Edward had left, I dropped the 'Guy,' Even if it only eased my mind by a miniscule.

Rosalie turned in my direction with her hair-flip thing in full action, "yoga?"

"Is it really that hard to believe I'm getting out? That I actually found something that I might actually enjoy, while at the same time get some piece of mind?" She was going to annoy me today and I could feel it.

"Relax, Bella," she toned down the Queen Bitchattitude, noticing that I wasn't mute-like and quiet, "I was just curious, you've never really done anything for yourself. Good for you."

Nodding, I focused on my son and started our simple, but fulfilling game of clapping while I debated on my next choice of words. If I didn't mention it now, or by Saturday afternoon, it might come off way different than it should.

"Can I have some Oreos, Auntie?" Ava semi-begged from the kitchen.

It wasn't even lunch time and Rose knew that I rarely allowed the kids sugary junk. She glanced in my direction and after my head tilting, shoulder shrug she answered back. "Only three. No being sneaky, missy."

"Do you remember Jacob Black, Leah and Seth Clearwater and Jasper Whitlock?"

"I think so. Jasper ended up transferring to our school, right," Rose casually asked.

"Yeah. They all lived in the same neighborhood and Jake's dad used to fish with Charlie. I used to go with him sometimes and hang out with them."

"Oh yeah. Used to drive Edward nuts," she let a small smile slip, "it was kind of funny."

I was trying to remember if I knew that. I was drawing a blank.

"Yeah, anyway, I bumped into Jasper a few days ago. He's here for work."

Scoffing, Rosalie replied, "It couldn't have been Jake or Seth?" I didn't get where she was going with this.

_Shit. _I guess I could now remember the look in Edward's eyes when he'd find out that we were spending time with the Blacks and the Clearwaters. Jasper was always there as well, and after he transferred in, I always had that feeling that they didn't particularly like each other. They seemed to simply tolerate each other because I was Jasper's friend, but I was also Edward's girlfriend.

"Eh, honestly, does it really even matter? He's a friend and I've invited him Saturday."

"This should be interesting, Bells." Rising to her feet she said, "Come on Boo Boy, let's get you set up upstairs."

Figuring that was my ever so subtle hint she still wanted to talk, I gathered up his things and tossed the diaper bag over my shoulder. I followed her up the stairs and into the nursery of the baby that was still just a hopeful possibility.

Rose had already set a big comforter on the unfinished floor for Ryan and set him down before calling down to Ava. "Come on, Girlie!"

My sister-in-law was definitely a smart woman. She had a radio with the _Enchanted _soundtrack set up in the enormous walk-in closet. That is where Ava would happily paint because her Auntie had plans to set herself up at the door frame.

She wanted to talk.

While Amy Adams and Ava Cullen were sweetly singing about their _True Love's Kiss, _Rose had her brush and paint set up and began, to paint _and _talk.

"Bells."

I just waited. For the first time, I wasn't getting sick to my stomach, tears weren't threatening to fall freely from my tired eyes, and I didn't want to rip my hair out by the roots.

"While we both know Edward isn't my favorite person in the world, I know he's yours," she paused to whisper, "Or was. Something has got to happen. He either needs to admit to someone that he's an addict and needs help or you need to let him go."

I just listened while mindlessly watching my son smash peek-a-blocks together. I still wasn't falling apart.

"I really think you need to do whatever you can to hold onto your marriage. Edward was always a good husband to you. He was always a great father and a decent man." She continued, not expecting me to try and form any sort of words just yet.

"I know he's stripped the Bella we all know and love down to the bones and it sucks." Rose said, while I thought to myself how true that was in two different instances. I've slowly been changing into a new person, as well as the new job I had.

"He's hurting his children and I know that he chose to put that needle in his arm, but I believe it was a huge mistake. A mistake he truly regrets and is at a complete loss as to how to fix it. How to fix himself."

She began with the more tedious painting and cutting in, probably cueing me to take a stab at her take on things. Could I do it, was I ready to really talk about this now without a break down? I took a deep breath of the paint scented air.

"Rose." I paused, like she had, and like me, she waited. "Up until the past few days, these past few weeks have put me into a hell I never imagined could exist. The man that I married is no longer the man that is out there, God knows where, doing God knows what, with God knows who." I took another breath, a bit shaky, of stinky paint.

"How could someone you thought loved you with his entire being, that _you_ loved with your entire being, do this to his family? I am at a loss as to what I want now. I do know that I have to be able to stand on my own two feet and raise my wonderful children that are here now. And who's to say that if Edward accepts help, that it will even work? I mean, addicts relapse all the time and wouldn't that be even worse on the kids? For me? Wouldn't that just provide a false sense of security?"

I sniffled, and continued, "And if he gets better, will I ever be able to trust him? I will always feel like I need to keep tabs on him. Constantly asking him where he is, what he's doing."

While I inhaled another deep, shaky breath air, Rose piped up.

"I get it, Bella. I do. But don't you think you need to try everything in your power first? Try whatever it takes to help him? I can't ever imagine giving up on Em."

"No, Rose, I don't think you do get it." I snapped back. "It will be like prison; not only for him, but for me too. How long of a sentence will be enough to constitute my trying to save my marriage? Who makes that decision?"

Rose walked into the closet and paused the CD before having to endure Carrie Underwood's "Ever, Ever After." "Okay kiddos, let's go get some fresh air!"

*

Rose and I were sitting on the lawn swing watching Ryan sitting in a pile of leaves tossing them in the air and crunching them in his fingers, while Ava was jumping from a lawn chair into the bigger pile beside Ryan.

"I'm just scared, Rose."

Wrapping her arm around my shoulder and giving me a firm one armed squeeze, she had two words left to say, "I know."

*

While Rosalie cooked grilled cheese sandwiches, I diced up some apples and pears and Emmett came booming though the doors.

Ava had been entertaining Ryan on the kitchen floor with some wooden spoons and mixing bowls. Of course as soon as they heard their uncle, the makeshift drum set was long forgotten. Emmett was already on the floor wrestling with them.

"Alright Emmett, lunch is ready," I said looking down at the three of them in a big smashed up pile of limbs and heads. I couldn't help but smile. I think I had almost forgotten how great it felt to smile.

Helping Ava to her feet before getting up with Ryan in his arms, Em took one look at me and gave me his well known half smile. After pulling Ryan to the side of him he pulled me to the other side and walked us over to the table, "You're looking better, Bells."

"Yeah, uh, thanks?" I replied warily, wondering if I'd really looked that bad only a few days ago.

"Aww, come on. You know what I meant," he smiled, "You just look like you can take my snarky ass again."

I decided I'd just let him assume, not confirming that he may or may not be right.

After the kids had finished their lunch, Ryan was looking super tired and I really wanted to get him home and better. Saturday was only a few days away and he'd have a much better time if he wasn't sick.

"Why don't you go ahead and get Ryan home. Ava can stay," Rose offered before whispering to me, "maybe we can even have a sleepover?"

I nodded my head so they could give her the great news. Ava loved sleepovers with her aunt and uncle.

"Hey, Princess?" Emmett said, "You wanna have a sleepover?!"

"Please, please, Mama?"

The girl knew she didn't have to plead with me to stay. She was such a drama queen. I walked over to her and kissed her on her nose. "I'll see you tomorrow, baby. I love you."

*

After tucking Ryan in for his nap I walked into my room and eyed my bed. It looked so warm, so comforting. I threw my shoes towards the closet and drowned myself in my blankets and heaps of pillows. I didn't even remember my head hitting the pillow.

_I headed back outside from the backdoor I had just walked in through, both hands stuffed with Jello filled balloons that Leah had just pulled out of the fridge._

_He still sat there, on top of the swing set watching me as I walked towards him slowly. _

"_Leah!" He shouted, fully aware of what I was about to attempt._

"_I warned you! You'd better run! I was only _half_ kidding." Walking a little faster now, I revealed my right hand and chucked the balloon as hard as I could. "Ha!"_

"_Please, my knee? That's the best you got?" He laughed, jumping down and walking straight for me._

_I couldn't hesitate, he'd wrestle it out of my hands before I had a chance, I threw my second one and hit him in the jaw and neck; blue Jello slid down the front of his shirt. Running wasn't going to work, so I just waited for it. He made his way to me, pressing his entire body into mine. _

_That feeling I never understood started to make its way from my toes and up to my belly…_

I startled awake by the sound of Ryan calling his famous, "Mamama Maaaaa!"

I must have still been tired, or maybe my talk with Rose had been mentally draining, because I'd fallen asleep shortly after I wrestled my socks off with my toes.

Did I really just have a dream about Jasper; a dream that left me feeling very confused? Was I losing my mind?


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N- Even closer!! Big huge thanks, MC (MaggieCullen of PTB) You are like a magic wand or eraser...or just magic. 3**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie owns them.**

* * *

_I startled awake by the sound of Ryan calling his famous, "Mamama Maaaaa!"_

_I must have still been tired, or maybe my talk with Rose had been mentally draining, because I'd fallen asleep shortly after I wrestled my socks off with my toes._

_Did I really just have a dream about Jasper; a dream that left me feeling very confused? Was I losing my mind?_

_*_

Forcefully dragging my palm across my forehead, I untangled myself from the massive heap of blankets and pillows and walked across the hallway to get Ryan up from his much needed nap. We made our way downstairs. I sat him on the living room floor and we played with his blocks awhile. This was one of my favorite ages so far; where even the simplest things would excite and amaze them.

I'd build a big tower and Ryan would curl his fat little hands into fists, destroying all my hard efforts and causing him to release an infectious string of belly laughs. We must have done this about ten times before I heard my phone ring.

I couldn't be bothered to answer it; there was no one I would rather be with right now. I was spending much-needed one-on-one fun-time with my little man. Later, we would have a nice dinner and snuggle each other in bed all night; Sprout playing quietly as we slept.

This was the third consecutive day that Jasper had called. He always wished me a good day, and he'd always ask to see me soon. I'd been keeping pretty busy over at Rose and Emmett's, helping out with the nursery over the past couple of days. This weekend would prove to be just as busy, unless he'd consider grabbing a coffee or lunch date. _Hmm... "a date?"_ I really didn't know how I felt about that term with Jasper. I mean, was that what it was? A date? And if it was a date, did that mean we were dating? I was still a married woman.

Maybe I was getting ahead of myself, but that dream I'd had was so vivid. It was like a perfectly preserved memory from when we were several years younger, before I'd moved away, married Edward, and had children. All these feelings, memories, and uncertainties had me somewhat worried about seeing Jasper again.

The feelings I got whenever Jasper was close were bubbling to the forefront of my mind. When we were all still in high school, I was confused and clueless, but having some time to evaluate the situation, I could begin to understand those feelings a little better now.

What would begin as just a slight tingle at the tips of my toes, would gradually grow stronger and rise up to my belly, causing my heart to thump uncontrollable loud in my ears. Could it just be lust? Maybe even a need at such a bad time in my life? Possibly, but it may be something more.

Had I simply chosen Edward out of comfort of what I knew? my love for Edward was real – it still was, but I really thought about it, I don't ever remember those tingly feelings overcoming my body while I was with Edward. The man I married was wonderful; a man that I cared enough about that I would take a bullet for, a man that I would give up my own life for. But would Jasper even give me that choice? Would Jasper allow me to take that bullet? To give my life? If it came down to it, I knew Jasper would be the one to jump in front of that bullet…to make sure that my life was spared.

All the thoughts about Jasper and the mixed emotions followed me while I was in the car, at the grocery store, on my way to bed, and in the shower. The same train of thoughts stayed with me, and I couldn't help but think that maybe something more than friendship could come of this. Probably not now, considering the timing was terrible, but in the future, I could certainly picture myself being very happy with Jasper.

I'd been keeping busy with helping Rose and getting my house back into order, so that I would be able to avoid all confrontation with Edward. I really didn't have it in me to care anymore about what he was choosing to do with his life. After all, he did choose a needle over me and over his own kids, and I was not going to wallow over that kind of man.

I'd also found that in the past few weeks, I was a stronger woman that I'd previously thought. I was taking care of my children and myself. I also realized that all the time I'd spent in my mopey-like, somber-state was something I needed to do in order to heal. It was a process I was still making my way through.

I wasn't completely sure what I was going to do about the whole Edward situation, but I wasn't ready to forgive and forget. It was a real possibility that my marriage would never be able to heal from the damage Edward had wrought. I didn't want to be a twenty-three year old divorcee with two small children to raise alone. However, Edward had left me without many options.

Since I had last seen Emmett, he'd bumped into Edward and mentioned that things weren't looking any better than the last time we saw him. Emmett kept telling me how badly Edward was doing and how Edward confessed to missing his family. It took everything within me to not tell Emmett to just shut up. I didn't want to hear about it anymore. I certainly doubt he would want me to act on the urge to go and find the ass-hat and try talking some sense into him. It would have been a lost cause anyway; Edward wasn't thinking clearly, and lately, he wasn't the man on my mind.

I didn't want to hear about how much Edward missed us. He wasn't willing to put in the effort to even call our children on a regular basis. If he couldn't figure out what the hell he was doing and get himself out of it, if only for his kids, then honestly, I couldn't be bothered to do it for him.

The man that I married was completely gone, and left in his place was just a shell of the person he once was. I might have been realizing that I was strong and could handle things, but I was most worried about my kids. They were innocent in all of this, and yet they had to pay the biggest price. And _that_ caused my temper flair and gave me an urge to scream, _"This isn't fair!"_

I knocked on Jane's door, but there wasn't an answer. I'd rather not ask Rose and Em to babysit. They would be saved for as a last resort only, and that would end up with them finding out about my not-so-great job. It was a road I wasn't willing to travel yet, or hell, maybe ever if I could help it.

As I was walking through the yard back to my house, I heard Alec clear his throat and call out, "Mrs. Cullen?"

Turning on my heels, I noticed him pulling on a white t-shirt. He was wearing basketball shorts and one sock and had the classic sex hair. On closer examination, I noticed his shirt was on inside out and backwards. I had to admit once that boy was legal he was going to be dangerous. He was a handsome kid.

I tried to subtlety shake that thought out of my head without him catching on. "Hey, Alec. Is Jane home?"

"Sure Mrs. Cullen, I'll go grab her."

I couldn't resist an eye roll. I was _not_ old enough to be referred to as Mrs. Anything, and I certainly didn't want to be reminded of being a Cullen at the moment. I stood around waiting for Jane to get dressed, since she was obviously not presentable at the time, and asked her to babysit.

I'd managed to set up a babysitter for both Friday and Saturday nights now. I was relieved to say the least. I knew I'd probably end up slipping in front of Rosalie at some point, but I hoped it wouldn't be anytime soon. I didn't want to be on the receiving end of one of her infamous tirades.

I was working out a long-term plan for my life. I'd work at the club just long enough to get myself some tuition money, go to school and get a self-respecting job.

Geez, how cliché _Pretty Woman_ did that sound?

I didn't have the slightest idea of what I would go to school for, but I figured I had some time to think of something I would enjoy. It would be nice to have a job doing what I love- maybe something where I'd be able help others; a nurse, a counselor, or a teacher, maybe.

Crazy ideas started clouding my mind. Maybe if I could learn about how to help an addict, I could help Edward, or at the very least understand him a bit more.

It was just a small thought.

"Mama, can we play Go Fish," Ava asked through sleepy eyes. She'd woken up from a nap that I really wished she wouldn't have taken in the first place. She didn't usually take a nap, and I hoped she wouldn't be up half the night. Jane would be over to babysit later on, and I really would've preferred Ava not have the opportunity to ask where I was going. Not to mention she'd probably blab to everyone that Janey babysat her, which would no doubt lead to questions I wasn't looking forward to answering.

"Of course baby, let me just finish up the dishes and vacuum up Ry's goldfish mess in the living room."

"Do you have a 'K,' Mama?!" Ava asked excitedly, knowing there were no more cards in the deck and that my four matching pairs would make her the winner.

"Why you little cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater!" Bouncing off my chair, I playfully ruffled her hair and headed over to the phone that had rung several times during our game.

The caller ID this time wasn't too helpful, simply showing up as 'Unavailable.'

I took a deep breath and answered sheepishly with a quiet, questioning, "Hello?"

"Hey Bella. You don't mind if I come see my kids this weekend right?" Edward asked in a dead tone. It was like he was barely there, and what was left of his heart was forcing him to make the phone call.

I stepped around the corner, and lowered my voice. Ava certainly didn't need to hear any of the bad. "Edward, I have plans and the kids really need some stability right now. You coming and going whenever you see fit with no sort of schedule or set times is hurting and confusing to them."

"Plans...huh. You mean plans with Jasper?"

_Did he really just ask me that? And where the hell did he hear about Jasper being here? Freaking loud mouth gossiping Cullens._

"No, maybe, I don't know. It really isn't any of your business anyway. Look, today just isn't good. You'll be here for Ryan's party Saturday anyway," I stated, trying to decide what the hell I thought would be best for my kids- not best for Edward.

"Bella, who are you to tell me I can't see my kids." _Did he just say my kids?_ "You wouldn't do that. It's not you," he said, sounding like he was forcing himself to plead and beg.

"Well, Edward, I am their mother. I've been here for them when you decided they weren't important enough to care about. So I can, and I will, tell you when my children are available. You left. You just up and left us without a word. You've been hanging out with that Laurent guy, and who knows what the hell you two have been doing. Although, Emmett is fairly certain you're up to no good. No good that is hurting everyone involved in your life. My kids will _not_ be involved in any kind of lifestyle you're living now."

I could have kept going, but he'd hung up at some point before I had finished my last sentence.

While I was preparing dinner Jasper called. For the second time today. When I read his name on my cell phone screen, I might have internally squealed. He always made me smile, even with just our short conversations.

"Hey Sweetie. I know you're probably, uh, working tonight and tomorrow, but I was wondering if we could get together Sunday...for lunch or something," he asked, his voice filled with hopeful optimism.

I wasn't sure I was ready to face Jasper after my epiphany of sorts. I mean, we'd always been just friends, and it never had to go any further, but what if I wanted more down the road. Considering the road I was currently traveling, I was speeding toward the edge of a cliff. My cliff being Jasper.

Taking in a quiet breath of air to ease my nervousness, I answered, "Sure, Jas. Lunch would be great. Are you still coming to Ry's party Saturday?"

"I might actually have a meeting, but I'm still going to try to at least make an appearance," his voice was filled with the sound of concern.

"Oh," I said, trying to hide the disappointment in my voice.

"So, two o'clock sound okay?"

"Sounds good to me," I thought for a moment. "Do you want me to meet you at your work?"

"Bella," he quietly scolded me. "A gentleman always escorts his lunch date. I'll be there at two to pick you up."

Jasper called it a date. I had a lunch _date_ with Jasper. All the ridiculous giddiness I felt bubbling inside of me made me feel like I was back in high school.

I had so much on my plate right now. I would be lying to myself if I said I wasn't scared, but smiling and feeling a little better when jasper was around, certainly wasn't a bad thing. If my kids were to see me wilt away, then they wouldn't be able to walk away unharmed.

"Goodnight, baby. Sweet dreams," I whispered as I kissed Ava on the forehead and tucked her and Molly snugly into her bed. I left her bedroom door cracked a bit to let the hall light shine in as a nightlight.

"I love you, Mama."

I peeked in on Ryan and he was already fast asleep. His cold had been kicking him in the butt hard the past few days, but thankfully we were seeing the light at the end of the sniffely tunnel. His symptoms were hardly apparent anymore, and I was hopeful for a happy birthday tomorrow.

I said a silent prayer that Miss Ava wouldn't try and sneak out of her bed tonight to find Jane downstairs and me missing. I hoped the man upstairs would give me a break.

Jane knocked on the door at exactly nine. I ushered her in and explained Ava's unplanned nap and warned her that there was a good chance that she'd try and sneak downstairs. I told her to just let her cuddle up on the couch with her with something kid friendly on the TV and she should fall back to sleep fairly quickly.

I had to make a mad dash out the door, and drive straight to the club. wasn't so sure that I'd be able pull-off the costume I had, and I was hoping Alice would save me.

"Oh would you stop! You look super sexy!" Alice bounced on the balls of her feet, clasping her hands at her chest like she'd just dressed her very own life sized Barbie Doll.

_Lord help me._

Alice motioned me to the mirror, and I stood there starting at myself. Damn that girl was good. My hair was pinned up with that pink, sheer lace thing wrapped around, somewhat resembling a wedding veil. White, lacy boy shorts hung low on my hips. A white, lacy tube top lined with the pink, sheer lace matched the makeshift veil.

I looked innocent-sexy again, like on my first night.

Alice paired my ensemble with white, thigh-high stiletto boots.

"Do what you will with the hair and wrap, but be sure to use those boots to their maximum potential!"

I stared out on the floor tonight and easily noticed the man I'd given my first lap dance to calling me over for an encore of the previous week. Tonight he was wearing a salmon colored dress shirt with a tie hanging loosely around his neck. Again, he gave me far more money than was required.

"Bickford's, Bella?" Alice asked.

"I guess. A quick eat and run though. My babysitter will probably want to be getting home soon."

We arrived at Bickford's and the place was a crowded mess of drunken men and stoned teenagers. The waiter directed us to a small booth next to a man that was sitting with nothing but a cup of coffee in front of him, taking in the scenery.

He'd caught me staring at him and he nodded, happily going back to his people watching.

"Oh, Demitri. He's here every Friday and Saturday nights, making sure that everyone keeps out of trouble. All-night diners tend to attract the partiers and all."

What a pointless job, I thought to myself.

Alice paused only long enough for me to tell our waiter that I'd like a coffee.

"You worked it out there tonight! I see Mike has taken notice of you. Tor might get a bit pissed off about that one."

"Mike? The man with the salmon dress shirt and the big puppy dog, blue eyes? Why would Tor get pissed?" I asked, puzzled.

"Well, Mike's a big wig. Handles all big union construction contracts in the city, and all the things that come along with it. And, well, he's a really big customer, to put it nicely. He's a good guy and Tor loves his tips," she gave a small evil grin, "but this weekend and last, he's waited for you to get on the floor."

The waiter arrived with Alice's tea and asked if we were ready to order.

"I'll have the strawberry Belgian waffles, home fries, a side of bacon-extra crispy, and an extra slice of watermelon. Oh! And a chocolate milk, please," Alice recited with a sly smile as the waiter just looked at her, his face looking fairly shocked.

Hell, I'm sure I looked shocked as well. Where she was going to fit all that food was beyond me. Maybe she'd throw it in her bag and feed homeless animals or something.

"Just a grilled English, please," I told the waiter as I glanced up, trying not to be rude.

It was one in the morning, and I was hardly about to eat a seven course meal at this hour.

Before the waiter had a chance to fully turn around, Alice resumed her nearly never-ending chatter.

"So, any plans on coming back to yoga? I promise it gets easier the more you go. And the pole dancing?! I go there every Saturday morning. It's really fun and the ladies there are such a hoot!"

"I'm not so sure about the pole dancing, Al. Just getting a sitter for Friday and Saturday nights is tough. I can do yoga, because my sister-in-law isn't going to question something like that, but pole dancing?" I continued, "I don't plan on dancing forever. I'd like to go to school and get a respectable job." _Oops, brain filter, Bella. _"Oh gosh, I'm sorry."

"Oh please, as if that was the worst thing I've heard since working at the club. Besides, it takes a lot more than that to ruffle my feathers. I might be little," she paused as the waiter came back with her waffles and my English muffin, along with the other mound of food Alice ordered, "but I'm a tough cookie."

I jellied up my English muffin; thankful for the bit of quiet while Alice ate her watermelon slices.

"So."

Inwardly sighing, I figured she was about to begin some meaningful conversation, so I took a bite of my food and gave her a quiet, "Hm?"

"What's the deal, Sweets? You never say much. I know little about you, other than you have two little ones and you drive a car that looks like it's about to shit the bed." She started cutting into the waffles that were almost bigger than her head.

"It's such a long story. But I guess it doesn't have to be."

I contemplated on what to tell her. I liked Alice- she was bubbly and sassy and we got along pretty well for someone I just met a week or so ago. She was unbiased, well, as unbiased as I'd get. I knew I was strong enough to have this conversation, but I wasn't sure I was ready to share so much with someone who I just met. Though, I somehow knew I could. I trusted her, and I knew she wasn't going to judge my situation.

I let it all come flying out. In some ways, it was sort of comical; everything was coming out in 'Alice-tongue.'

"Edward left me the day I was at his brother's house helping my sister-in-law, my best friend, with their nursery. I came home and all of his things were gone."

I paused, waiting for some sort of reaction or words from her, but she just continued chewing and kept eye contact with me.

"So, Edward and I were high school sweethearts...or something like that. We moved out here shortly after graduation, and then I found out I was pregnant with Ava just a few weeks later. We were both ecstatic, and the pregnancy was a little shove towards marriage."

I was still keeping it together, and Alice was still listening intently, which was somewhat surprising considering I could have bet a hundred dollars on her not being able to shut up for longer than thirty seconds.

"Edward's family, the Cullens, also moved out here with us. Rosalie and I have been best friends from for as long as I can remember, and she married Emmett, Edward's brother, a year after moving here.

"We were living our happily ever after. Edward continued his education in business management and then started running a small, but busy hotel on the Cape.

"A few years later, we found out we were pregnant again. Shortly after Ry was born Edward got laid off."

Alice sat still, just watching me with now, an occasional bite of food.

"We were both thrilled about Ryan and couldn't have been happier.

"Then, at some point along the road, I have to assume his lay off must have gotten to him. I guess being around the house constantly would be similar to that of being stuck in a box. It made him feel trapped, or depressed, or whatever."

Alice quietly chewed and nodded in understanding.

"A few months back, Edward bumped into an old college friend and they started going out occasionally."

"His brother, Emmett, laid some pretty shitty music on me this past week." I paused, not exactly sure what to say or how to word it. I wasn't sure why, I wasn't like I was the one with a drug problem.

"It's okay, Bella. You don't have to tell me anymore. I know how hard it is to lose someone." Alice spoke her words calmly, and it was then that I realized she was more than a chipper, bouncy, high-strung Alice- the only one I had known since meeting her.

I was startled from my thoughts by the loud clatter of a cheap plastic Bickford's cup clambering off a young idiot's head, and then bouncing and ricocheting off the window only to end up on the floor. This was followed by loud booming laughter of the group of five men a few tables over from them.

Demitri stood up and took care of them. Maybe his job wasn't totally useless after all.

"It's nice, ya know," I reflected as Alice quirked an eyebrow at me, "to talk to someone outside of the Cullen family. Edward's family. I mean, I know they're my family too, but they were his first." I took one of my stress relieving breaths, and quickly blurted out, "Emmett is certain that Edward is using. He thinks it's heroin."

I'd made it through another conversation and explanation of my shitty life and I survived it again. _Go me_.

As we were making our way out of the diner, I called over to Alice who was unlocking her toy car.

Before opening her door, she skipped over to me and gave me a small squeeze and another peck on the cheek.

"Hey, are you still going to make it to Ryan's party tomorrow? I told Ava that I had a new friend that she'd be meeting."

"Wouldn't miss it, Sweets!" Alice slipped into her seat and waved as she drove off.

As I was driving home, I got a text. It was from Jasper.

_Be safe my sweetheart, I'll see you tomorrow. Plans fell through and I'll be able to make it._


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N- A little inside Edwards head. I've gone into his head to the best of my ability using what I know from those that have been addicts, or still are. **

**Thank you Kaydee and PTB, for my last PTB chapter :*) I'm glad to announce I've been "assigned" my permenant Beta's as of a few days ago and will work hard to pump out what we have to finally be current! I know lots of you must be frustrated getting chapters that you've already read- for the most part. I think I've found the perfect ladies to help me fix up this monster and I hope you can all enjoy Stripped now, without the mess I make! **

**Disclaimer: the characters belong to Stephenie, I own a recovery OA.**

* * *

EPOV

As I tossed around on the couch, I glanced at the clock on the cable box. It was only four-thirty in the morning. I hated this time of day: it was always the worst time for me. It seemed to be the only time my brain would function properly, however brief I wanted that time to be. I couldn't ever sleep, the withdrawals would start to kick in, and I would have enough clarity to think about what I was putting my family through.

I tried to remember how many times I'd called to talk to Bella and the kids, but my mind was still coming out of a fog. The last few weeks, maybe months, were just a blur of highs and lows; no particular events stood out.

All I could remember was visiting them once since being out of the house while Emmett was there. I had to assume that Bella didn't trust me anymore. Probably because my brother figured out what I was doing and couldn't keep his mouth shut. What the hell kind of family loyalty was that? Shouldn't he be looking out for me? He was just making everything worse than it had to be.

It all started when I happened to bump into Laurent several months ago. Okay, I didn't just bump into him. I knew he had had some shady dealings in the past, and I had to admit I was desperate for an easy fix. I had an idea of where he might be, and I was stressed out about how I was going to support my family if I couldn't get back to work soon.

He pulled out a small bag containing a brown powder one day while we were at his place watching the Sox game. I curiously watched as he brushed the powder off of the waxy-looking paper envelope and onto an old magazine that sat on the coffee table.

He then pulled out a credit card and formed two small lines, snorting one and offering me the other. Without any thought or consideration of the consequences, I took the short stump of the orange straw and snorted the line. It was as if I was a robot; I never really thought about what it was I was doing. It was so quick and easy.

I didn't really feel much of anything. As I sniffled the leftover powder that clung to the hairs in my nose and ran my index finger along my now numb nostrils. Laurent opened the side table drawer and pulled out two syringes. They were still wrapped in their plastic packages, and he placed them on the table.

I looked at them, half expecting that they were going to magically disappear or jump off the table. Maybe I had felt something from the line that I'd inhaled into my body. I hadn't really been thinking of much, and I was hardly reacting like I should have been. Had I been thinking at all, the second he offered me that line of dope I should have run out of that house and never looked back.

But I didn't.

Laurent then came from the kitchen with two bottles of spring water and a single cigarette. That was my second opportunity to run and go home to my family. Of course I was a dumbass and stayed.

I had never really gotten into drugs before and not for lack of chances to try them in college and high school. Sure I had smoked a few joints and taken a few pills that weren't specifically prescribed to me growing up, but I'd never even glanced twice at anything like this.

Laurent opened one of the bottles and added a little water to the cap. He then added some of the powder and a small bit of cotton from the filter of the cigarette and dropped it into the cap. He swirled it around with one of the syringes that he'd opened and began sucking the fluid into the needle.

"You should always have someone to bring you back. Don't ever do this shit alone." He raised his eyebrows and looked pointedly at me as he continued, "You know, just in case."

He handed me the needle. I hit my vein on my first shot. Beginners luck or maybe it was just some of my father in me. At Laurent's instruction, I pulled back a bit, allowing some blood to enter the needle, insuring I'd gotten it placed correctly in my vein, before slowly injecting the liquid.

From that one stupid afternoon, my life as I knew it was over. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for someone to have killed me. Then maybe I wouldn't be living this half-life that was eclipsed by my addiction.

I was always sick in the early hours of the morning. I always found my way back to the table that held our stash. It was the only way to relieve myself from the physical aches and pains that brought on the chills. Like all addicts I would always be chasing that first high. Nothing would ever compare to it and I'd never be able to find it again.

It had become a vicious cycle. One that was ruining my life, and I barely allowed myself time to care. Caring always hurt and caused the cycle to stay on its course again and again.

When I was in a moment of lucidity, I would look back on that day at Laurent's, remembering what I'd done, what I'd started. It had all been relatively innocent; I'd simply gone to watch the game. Maybe if I had stayed home none of this would have happened. Or maybe I was just a shit head that was destined for a life of hell.

Being jammed was something I have a hard time describing. I knew I was addicted, but when I was high it was like I had a new relationship that I loved. It never judged me, and I never had to explain myself to it. It was an unconditional dedication that I currently craved. I was thankful that I hadn't ever tried to describe it to anyone. I haven't spoken about it to any of my family, but I was certain they knew.

Today I was determined to forget about getting high and think about my children. I loved those kids more than my own life or getting high, but those feelings of love and life and happiness only came when I was sober. It was such a shit situation. I'd hit up one of Laurent's dealers for a Suboxone to try and function normally to see my children.

I waited for my Suboxone to kick in; I showered and then headed out before calling Bella to grab Ry-Guy his birthday gift.

*

"Hey Bella, you don't mind if I come see my kids this weekend, right?" I asked.

"Edward, I have plans and the kids really need some stability right now. You coming and going whenever you see fit with no sort of schedule or set times is hurting and confusing them."

"Plans...huh. You mean plans with Jasper?" I'd heard Jasper was here, something about work, from my brother. It angered me.

"No, maybe, I don't know. It really isn't any of your business anyway. Look, today just isn't good. You'll be here for Ryan's party Saturday anyway," Bella said, sounding confused and annoyed at the same time.

"Bella, who are you to tell me that I can't see my kids. You wouldn't do that. It's not you." This wasn't the Bella I married. I couldn't believe she was being so hateful to me.

"Well, EDWARD. I am their mother that has been here for them when you decided they weren't important enough to care. So I can, and I will tell you when my children are available. You left. You just up and left us without a word. You've been hanging out with friggen Laurent, and who knows what the hell you two have been doing. Although, Emmett is fairly certain..."

I hung up the phone before she'd finished her lecture and headed straight to my stash.I was pissed off.

Fucking Bitch! Who the fuck did she think she was. Telling me that I couldn't see my own fucking children. And if I wasn't so focused on getting high, I might actually allow myself to understand why she was acting like this.

I stuck the needle in my arm angrily and slumped back against the couch. My head, lips and mind went numb, my body became warm as the drug flowed through my veins. It was exactly what I'd wanted all day, even knowing that using after eating a Suboxone was fairly dangerous. I couldn't be bothered to care about much anymore. Not when I was high. It was my favorite state of oblivion.

I didn't end up doing the rest of the afternoon, just a lot of nodding in and out.

Laurent was off having sex with whatever whore had the drug he currently craved.

I wasn't interested in women. It wasn't like that for me. I wanted my high, some freedom, and to just be able to forget everything that had been going so wrong with my sad life in the past year or so.

The whole reason I left my home, my wife, and my kids was because I didn't want to be high around them. I felt like a fucking junky bringing that shit into my house. It didn't even matter that I was stashing it deep in my sock under my foot where the kids wouldn't ever be able to reach it. It was still wrong. I knew Bella and my kids deserved better than that.

Bella was a smart woman, a great wife and mother, and I couldn't be there knowing I was deceiving her. I knew she was suspected something after a drunken tirade about me cheating on her. Which by the way, I didn't, but she knew something was off. I knew deep down that I had to get out of this mess I'd created. I had to get out and at some point. I hoped it would be soon. I wanted all this shit fixed.

I _had_ to fix it.

A sudden thought popped into my fried brain.

_Jasper. That Fucker!_

I'd forgotten that I'd taken a Suboxone, and it was currently blocking my high. It was barely hanging around anymore. If I shot up again now, it could be dangerous, so I'd have to stick it out.

And that sucked. My brain was sure to get fixated on that shit head.

Jasper always had a thing for Bella. Back then, when she was just my girlfriend, I wasn't sure she knew that the fucker practically walked around drooling while looking at her ass. It pissed me off that she always had some sort of weird bond with him back then. I always hid my jealousy pretty well from her though.

I loathed the weekends when Charlie would go fishing, knowing that she'd be there with Jasper. I knew it wasn't like she and Jasper were alone and hanging out in some fancy Jacuzzi, drinking champagne, and eating strawberries or anything, but it still pissed me off. I didn't take much comfort even knowing it was always the group of them: Jake, Leah and Seth, Jasper, and of course, Bella. They'd all play stupid games and horse around like a bunch of fucking kids.

I _hated _it.

*

It was sometime after one in the morning, and I could hear the squeaking of the nasty bed and the rubbing of the bed frame on the filthy hardwood floors directly above my head. I hated that I slept on the old run down couch in the living room.

Fantastic, he's brought home another dumb skank.

I decided it was time to come clean with Bella. Once Ryan's party was over and everyone cleared out, I would sit down and talk to her. I would be completely open, honest, and I knew she'd be forgiving. She was MY wife; of course she would help me and understand enough to forgive me.

I pulled out a fresh needle and convinced myself that I might as well get the most out of the next hour or two before the shit hit the fan.

*

I must have fallen asleep some time after five in the morning. It was now after nine, and I still had some more running around to do. I felt like I needed to buy something more for my son. Maybe buying him a few more things would make up for me not being around lately. Had I really turned into the type of dad that felt like he needed to buy his son's love and affection? I couldn't wait for this party to be over so I could get my life back.

I walked into the dingy bathroom and snuck one of Laurent's generic, single blade razors and shaved my mess of a face. I tried like hell not to cut the shit out of myself since I hadn't been able to find some more Soboxone yet.

I dug through the large trash bag full of my clothes searching for something, _anything_ not wrinkled or ruined. I Found my blue polo and a pair of jeans and dressed quickly.

I yelled up the stairs for Laurent, and I walked into the kitchen to grab a drink before I left.

"What's up?" Laurent asked as he headed for the end table that held the clean needles.

"I need a few Suboxones, and I don't have Victoria's number. Can you give her a call for me?" I asked as I tried to ignore what he was preparing during our brief exchange.

He tossed me his cell, and I began scrolling until I brought up her number and hit send.

"Hey Laur, what's goin' on?" she'd asked, assuming it was Laurent that had called her.

"Hey, it's Edward. Do you think you can get a hold of a few Suboxones for me?"

She didn't say anything right away. I wondered if she was pissed at Laurent for allowing me to call her. I knew she had always been one of those super cautious types.

"Uh, yeah. Just meet me at work, Laurent will tell you how to get there."

She'd hung up before I could even thank her.

"Okay, then. She told me you'd know where I should meet her. Her work, I guess?" I asked. I looked away as I tried my best to ignore the needle currently stuck in his arm.

*

I walked down an alley that had small stores lining it. I walked into the small, unnamed shop filled with a bunch of trampy clothes, lingerie, and slutty Halloween costumes not having any idea what kind of store I was in.

I spotted Victoria sitting on a stool playing with her phone.

"How many?" she asked without even glancing up at me while she turned around to grab her purse.

"I don't know, maybe five or six." I started fidgeting. I hadn't gotten high since late last night or early this morning, and I was starting to really feel it.

"Ahh, trying to get clean? Or are you just broke?" Smiling, she pulled out a pack of smokes and shook out some of those little orange melt-aways.

"I've got 8, want 'em all? I'll only charge you for six."

I nodded my head and pulled out my wallet that held exactly one hundred and two dollars. She handed me the pills. "See ya soon, E."

I rolled my eyes, handed her sixty dollars, and thanked her. I hoped I wouldn't fail and would be able to recover. I doubted I'd ever miss seeing any of them again. I semi-jogged out of the store. I wondered if it might have seemed weird for a guy to just go into a lingerie store and not buy anything.

I closed my eyes and placed a pill under my tongue even before I had a chance to take a breath outside. I let the sweet pill dissolve and allowed it to work it's magic before even attempting to try to find another present for Ryan.

As I opened my eyes, I noticed a small string of shops and one of them sold jerseys. It was convenient that its location was directly across the street. I figured that a Patriots jersey would look adorable on Ry-Guy. I had just enough money. It would go perfectly with the football I'd already bought him.

It felt really great to feel alive again, and I couldn't contain my excitement. I knew it wouldn't last without the help of another Suboxone soon, but I wasn't going to let that ruin my high spirits.

I wrapped Ryan's football with the grocery store circular we'd gotten a few days ago that happened to still be in my SUV. I then folded his shirt nicely, placed it in an old small box I'd used to hold some fliers from my old job, and tried to draw balloons on the top.

I suck as an artist, but it would have to do.

It was still only noon and Ryan's party didn't start for a couple more hours. I thought since I was feeling so good I'd drive around a bit.

As I was drove past a pharmacy that wasn't far from Emmett's house, I saw him walking out with a roll of wrapping paper, and I pulled over next to him.

"Edward?" he asked a bit puzzled.

"Hey, Em. Heading over to Bella's already?" I asked, my voice filled with happiness.

"Not quite yet, do you want to head over with us? I just had to grab some wrapping paper. Rose is going to wrap Ry's gifts and then we'll be on our way."

"Sure. I'll meet you at your house."

*

Rosalie was less than pleased to see me, both of us choosing not to say a word to each other. We all hopped in Emmett's Jeep and headed over to my house.

When we pulled into the driveway, I grabbed my poorly wrapped gifts out of the tiny ass excuse of a trunk. I turned and noticed a truck I'd never seen before. I was sure my mother and father hadn't bought any new vehicles.

"Hey Em, who's truck is that?" I asked while motioning my head towards the beast.

He shrugged, but the look on his face showed me that he had a very good idea who it belonged to.

We all walked in the front door and up the few stairs that led into the living room. what I saw was devastating. It made my heart thump uncontrollably, and I could feel the vomit rising up my throat.

Are you fucking kidding me?

There sat Bella and my kids with Jasper-fucking-Whitlock. My daughter sat cozily in his lap, chatting with him like he was her most favorite person in the world.

Ryan sat in Bella's lap next to Jasper and Ava, attempting to keep the train on the tracks, giggling away. Was this the fucking twilight zone? There they were, having a blast playing with a train table I'd never seen in my life.

I quickly glanced at Emmett and Rose as I tried not to miss the scene of the perfect happy family that sat before me. They both seemed unsurprised, like nothing was out of the ordinary. They fucking knew! They knew and they hadn't said a word, not even a hint or a warning.

I cleared my throat accidentally, and Bella and Jasper immediately turned towards my direction. I stood there like a statue holding the stupid, ugly wrapped gifts in my hands. It was like I was frozen. My ears were thumping with the angry beat of my heart. And my hands slipped and dropped the plain box, that held his football to the floor.

The only thing that brought me out of my current state was this annoyingly, high-pitched voice saying, "Knock, knock!" I heard the door open, but I couldn't yet bear to turn to see who this strange voice belonged to.

While I stood frozen, Jasper walked over to stand in front of me with his hand held out. "It's been a long time, Edward."

I sort of grunted and nodded a, "Heh." Obviously not long enough.

"Hey Alice, we're all over here in the living room. Come on in!" Bella said.

For Christ's sake, who the fuck was Alice?

It'd only been a few weeks that I'd been gone, and I felt like a strange asshole in a home that was no longer mine. What the fuck had I done?

All I could think about was running out into the backyard, into the trees that lined the property, and shooting up. But before I could escape, Ava ran up to me and excitedly started talking to me.

"Daddy, this is my new friend Jasper! And he's realllllly good at the maze at McDonald's!" Ava squealed. "And, and he likes Chip the bestest-estest. Even better than Cogsworth and Lumier!" Ava continued, "And Ryan turns this much today!" she said while holding up one finger.

Jasper is watching movies, going to the Play Place, and doing whatever else I don't know about with _my_ kids? What makes him think he can just take my place? Fuck that.

I smiled at my girl and picked her up, walking out of the overly crowded living room, escaping the horror before me.

I passed a petite girl with dark hair and a cute face that must have been the one with the high pitched 'hello.' Currently, she was trying desperately to carry a box that was almost bigger than her up to the living room.

I continued my way past her and headed out to the porch swing with Ava. I needed some fresh air, and I _had_ to calm myself down if I was going to try and survive this day.

*

**A/N- Suboxone info can be found at www (dot) Suboxone (dot) com.**

**Some will call it the miracle drug. I have mixed emotions about it and there are consequences using this method of treatment. I will say that it IS most definitely better than the use of a Methadone clinic. **

**I truly believe that with a good support system and some form of therapy, anyone willing can and will be able to recover addiction. **


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N Lots of love goes out to MaggieCullen and KayDee from PTB, without them, I'd have already gone insane. **

**Just another week or two and we are current! Super exciting!**

**Disclaimer: they are and were never mine. **

* * *

JPOV

I'd been calling Izz all week. Even with our daily short, yet sweet conversations, I never failed to continue to crave her more. I was a little concerned that I was bugging her or maybe coming on too strong, but she seemed genuinely happy to hear from me. I loved hearing her happy, but sometimes, tired voice.

Ryan's party was that afternoon and I really wanted to get him something he would really love. I noticed during the few times I'd been over their house, there was always a few Thomas toys scattered about. Then, of course, there were worn down Thomas sneakers that he always had on his little feet.

I wandered around Toys-R-Us for what seemed like forever. I found the Thomas display and considered getting Ryan a few more trains, but I knew what he really needed was somewhere to play with his trains.

As I turned the corner I swear I heard angles sing, because there it was, the most awesome Thomas the Train table. It was perfect! I hoped Izz wouldn't be upset and think I'd gone over board. I was so excited to see the little guy's face when he saw it. Heck, even I wanted to play with it.

I planned on heading over early to set it up. I hoped Ryan was still a napper, so I'd be able to put the table together while he was still asleep.

I called Izz, and she sounded like she was rushing around her house in a panicked frenzy. I knew today had the possibility to be extremely stressful. I wasn't certain that Edward would be there, but I knew there was a great chance. It was no secret he and I never really liked each other. I didn't have a great deal of reason to dislike him in high school, but now, having seen what he had done to his wife and kids, I'd have to try and keep my emotions in check. I _didn't_ like him at all, not now.

I stopped at the store to pick up a giant, over-the-top bow and card before going over to Izz's house.

*

I finished screwing the last leg on and stuck the large, blue and green bow to the front of the table while Izz was in the kitchen pulling the cake out of the oven.

"Whatcha think, Ava?" I asked.

She'd been quietly watching me put together the table until got a bit bored and asked me to put _Aladdin_ on for her.

"Oh wow, Jasper! Can I play with it?" she asked with the cutest smile; her eyes shining brightly.

"Why don't we wait until your brother gets up first. I'm sure he'll share," I said, hoping not to disappoint her.

"Jas, I think a fire truck would have been fine, you really didn't have to get something so…" she paused trying to come up with something that wasn't rude or hurtful.

"Oh no, all little boys need a train table. Besides, I'll have just as much fun with it as him!" I said, smiling and completely cutting her off.

I stood and stretched. "Now, what can I help with," I asked, quirking an eyebrow towards the kitchen.

It was getting close to two, and people would be starting to show up, If I were being honest with myself, I was a bit nervous about seeing Edward. Helping Izz get things together would keep my mind from racing towards an awkward reunion.

"Well, the only thing really left is blowing up some balloons and frosting the cake. The box with the helium and balloons is on the back porch," Bella nodded towards the sliders while she dashed for the cooling cakes.

As I was filling up the balloons, I heard Izz slip a quiet, "Ah, shit."

"Cakes are supposed to cool completely before frosting them, no?" I couldn't help keep my laugh from escaping. She'd been frantically trying to get things ready all morning, in the process completely forgetting to get the cake in the oven.

"Got sprinkles?" I asked.

Nodding, she headed over to her spice rack. "You think yellow and orange Halloween ones will work?" she asked over her shoulder while searching desperately for other color choices. "And do they go bad? I've had them since last year."

"Yellow and orange will be fine! I think sprinkles are just sugar. They should be okay. He's got his own cake to smash into anyway. I doubt you'll ruin anyone's day over a cake with crumbs in the frosting, silly."

Izz must have been a little nervous about the rapidly approaching reunion of her husband and I was, too. She'd paced the length of the kitchen cabinets opening them all three or four times by now, completely ignoring the fact that I'd told her the cake would be fine.

I walked up behind her, took the colored candy sprinkles, and brought them over to the table where the cake sat. "Do you have one of those rubber spatulas?"

"Uhh, yeah," she answered while whipping over to a drawer that held all of her utensils. "Here ya go, but really…I should have had Leah overnight a cake or something." We both started laughing while I began trying to fix the mess of a cake in front of me.

After about a two inch layering of vanilla frosting and some Halloween sprinkles, the cake didn't look half bad. It was fall, after all.

"Mamaaama maaaaaaa," Ryan's voice called through the monitor that was sitting in the living room. I felt some excitement brewing inside of me at the thought of Ry coming downstairs to find the train table that awaited him.

"Mama, Ryan's up!" Ava squealed from the couch. She had waited patiently for him to get up so that she could play with his new toy.

"Do you mind going up to grab him while I go tie a few balloons to the mailbox?" Without waiting for my answer, Izz was already asking Ava to show me where to find him.

*

Izz and I were sitting next to each other, Ryan on her lap and Ava on mine, when we heard the door open.

Rosalie and Emmett hadn't changed much at all.

Emmett was still the stocky, good looking guy I'd remembered. He placed some gifts down and nodded a hello towards me, as if he were trying to avoid an unneeded confrontation that may or may not happen soon.

Rosalie was still the tall, beautiful blond I remembered, though I couldn't help but notice that her face had filled out just the smallest bit. I would never be stupid enough to mention that back in school- and I had only gotten smarter since then

I heard a throat clearing and immediately noticed Edward had walked in behind them. I was still as stone.

Edward _had_ changed. He was thinner than I remembered and he looked flat-out exhausted. I could see the horror in his face as he became aware of what he was seeing.

His family and I were all playing with the train set; the scene of a happy family. Edward's family, minus Edward. I watched as the gifts he brought for his son dropped to the ground with a quiet thud.

Someone else had been entering Izz's house, so I thought I'd try my attempt at damage control. I decided to break the tension- I lifted Ava off of my lap and stood up, walked over to him and held out my hand, "It's been a long time, Edward."

His response wasn't exactly a surprise. I think he actually grunted while nodding in return to my greeting.

Ava ran past me and over to her father, introducing him to me and telling him all about our play date of sorts. Edward scooped Ava up, leaving the living room and walking outside onto the back porch.

I then took notice to the newly arrived guest. I vaguely heard Izz address her as Alice, and noticed the rather large box she was trying desperately to keep in her arms.

"Here let me help you with that," I said, as I took the box from the small framed girl. After I'd gotten the box out of her hands and away from her face, I vaguely recognized her from somewhere, but couldn't quite place it.

"Oh gosh, thanks so much! I barely made it up the front steps. I almost fell on my butt twice!" She chirped.

_That voice_, I thought to myself.

"_Four Coronas, no lime and two Sammies, please!" _

_The club. Alice worked at that damn club. _

*

BPOV

_Oh,God_,I desperately prayed, please tell me this was the worst it was going to get.

It was probably really stupid for me to do invite Jas to Ryan's party, but I honestly wasn't thinking about Edward when I had asked Jasper to come.

I was relieved when Edward's reaction went fairly unnoticed, or perhaps ignored, and things continued normally after he'd taken Ava out on the porch.

After introducing Alice to Rose and Em, Carlisle and Esme showed up and carried in a massive heap of gifts.

A little while later, Edward and Ava returned and Edward allowed her to lead him to the train table that Jas had brought for Ryan.

The few guests were all chatting and laughing and things were going okay. Aside from Edward, that is, who singled himself out by choosing to keep all of his attention on Ava. She showed him all of the neat tracks and tunnels of the table.

Ava really missed her dad.

"Okay! When do we get to let this little man open his gifts," Alice chimed in, Through all of the chatter, she sounded as excited as Ava would be on Christmas morning.

"I guess opening gifts before cake will be alright." I said. "Ava, would you like to help Ryan?" I asked, remembering how uninterested Ava was on her first birthday.

She nodded her head in excitement and quickly went to sit next to Ryan on the floor.

"Edward, why don't you sit with us?" I asked, trying to ease the tension that was hovering over him like a storm cloud.

He nodded and sat down beside Ryan and quickly lifted him onto his lap. He was rewarded with a cheery "Dada!" from the birthday boy.

Edward smiled after Ryan spoke his name, and I could feel the tension start to fade away a bit.

I couldn't shake feeling like my heart was somehow being fought over and torn in two.

Jasper sat with Rose and Emmett on the couch while Esme sat on the recliner. Carlisle rested on the arm of the chair, and Alice stood beside the pile of gifts waiting to get things started. She was certainly much more excited than Ryan, and possibly even Ava.

"This one first, or last?" Alice asked.

"I think we should probably wait on that one Al." I replied, aware that her gift was probably going to cause Edward more stress. I wanted the day to go as smoothly as it could. Hell, if I could fast forward through the day, it would be all that much easier.

Alice handed Ryan a gift bag, and Ava didn't hesitate to show her little brother what he was supposed to do. She slowed down after revealing some fabric that had been hidden by the tissue paper inside of the gift bag.

Alice then handed the gifts that Edward had brought. I remembered that he'd let them slip from his hands earlier after seeing Jas and I with the kids on the floor.

"Didn't have time to get wrapping paper," Edward mumbled quietly so only I would hear, with the sound of pure disappointment in his voice.

I titled my head a bit and smiled he tried. I had to give him that. He showed up, and still stayed even after being thrown a small hand grenade.

Ava tore at the box with the balloons that Edward had clearly drawn and pulled out a Patriots jersey. Edward was smiling as he watched his son, finally understanding that these things in front of him were meant to be torn open and that they were his.

Inside of the grocery store circular was a football. I knew how excited Edward was after learning that he'd have a son and be able to play sports with him.

His smile faded quickly when Ryan dropped the ball to the side, wanting more. He wanted to unwrap more, it wasn't anything personal, but Edward was clearly hurt.

After opening the few things that were left, a new pair of Thomas sneakers, a polo with khakis, and a pair of cute work boots from Rosalie and Em, there was still that giant unopened box left that Alice had managed to drag in.

I stood up and took a hold of Ryan's hand, leading him over to the box. It was wrapped in shiny red cellophane with loads of ribbon. Ava helped him get started and when it was clear of the wrapping, I saw the look on both Ava's and Alice's faces.

"Alice? Really!?" I spoke with a bit of annoyance.

"Oh, come on. I couldn't resist! What's cuter and more fun than a mini Porsche?!" She exclaimed as she tried to resist jumping up and down.

*

We'd all been outside in the yard for awhile, the kids playing with the over extravagant-gift Alice had brought for Ryan. He was still a bit young for, and it was big enough that he could sit on Ava's lap while she drove around.

Emmett and Edward were tossing the football around while Carlisle and Esme sat on the porch swing watching their grandchildren.

Alice had left for the club to set up for the busy night ahead of us, but not without first getting a quick peek at the kid's first test ride of the Porsche.

I had headed into the house to clean up some from the party, shortly when I heard the slider open and close.

"Hey, beautiful, I'm gonna get going. I have a few things to do and, well, you should really spend time with your family."

Jasper sounded torn- like he wasn't sure how to label them, or more so specifically Edward.

"Thanks for coming, Jasper." I really didn't want him to leave. "I'll talk to you soon?" I asked.

"Of course, sweetie," he placed a kiss on my forehead. "Please be safe tonight." I watched as he walked out of the kitchen and as I heard the front door close, the slider opened again.

Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Rose had come in to say their goodbyes.

Emmett took me aside as they were all leaving the house, "I talked to him, Bells, and he seems like he wants to get better. He misses you and the kids."

He turned and headed out of the door before I even had the chance to reply.

*

I peeked outside through the sliders. Edward was running around the backyard with Ava and Ryan, all three of them giggling and smiling. To anyone else, things would have seemed like nothing had changed, like the last few weeks never had happened.

_Could I forget about that time, though? If Edward did want to come back home, come back to his family, __Would I be able to forgive and forget? Would I allow myself to? Would I want to?_

I didn't feel like I owed him anything, but my children- what about my kid?. Did I owe it to them to try?

I slumped down on my couch and let my mind go blank. I needed to clear my thoughts and just take a few minutes for myself. I listened to the giggles and laughter that were hushed through the walls of the house; I listened to the neighbor's dog barking. It was nice to block out all of the crap that had become my life.

Smacking my hands against my thighs to get myself out of my quiet moment of peace, I got up off of the couch to load the dishwasher.

After wiping down the counters and sink, I yelled out to Edward and the kids to come inside. It had gotten chilly and I didn't need or want to deal with anymore colds in the house anytime soon.

"Can we watch a movie, Daddy?" Ava asked, her big brown eyes full of hope. They'd always watch movies together after dinner and she missed it. I could read it all over her small round face.

Edward looked towards me for an answer. I gave him a small nod.

"Sure, baby. How 'bout Lion King?" Ava smiled in agreement with his choice, "You go wait for me in the living room, I just want to talk to Mama first, okay?"

"Okay, Daddy!"

Ryan must have crawled right over to his train table, because I over heard Ava ask which color train he wanted to play with, eliciting a "Boo!" from him.

After a brief pause Ava told him, "Green, yellow or red, Ry?" He didn't have a blue train.

Edward approached me at the counter. I was beginning to get nervous about the conversation that was about to be had. I had no idea what he planned to say, or ask, or do.

As I leaned against the counter in front of the sink, Edward walked up and stood beside me, facing the counter. I didn't speak a word, refusing to jump into anything, letting him make the first move.

After what felt like the longest few minutes of hell, I watched as Edward reached into his pockets and emptied them onto the counter. A look of heartbreak stained his once perfect face.

He then turned his body in the direction of mine and stared at the ground briefly before meeting my eyes. I was too scared to look at what he just deposited onto the counter, but my curiosity and the threat of something dangerous made me. I couldn't allow it to sit there with my kids being around.

Sitting in front of my canister set was a needle wrapped in plastic, a baggie filled with small orange colored pills, and a small, odd looking, beige envelope.

He was outing himself. He was coming clean with me and I had no idea how to respond, other than grabbing a dishtowel and throwing it over the rubbish with which Edward decided to litter my counter.

"What the hell, Edward!?" I was louder than I intended and hoped the kids didn't hear.

"Can we just sit down and talk, Bella?" Edward asked, motioning to the kitchen table.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I wasn't sure I was ready for this. Was he going to tell me that he's chosen to live his new life, a life filled with drugs and trouble? Or was he going to be honest with me and ask that I forgive him, help him, and maybe even try and work things out?

I hadn't even the slightest idea what I would have preferred him to do. So, I decided to just brace myself and for whatever came next. I sat down and placed my elbows on the table, resting my chin on my hands and kept my eyes on his.

"I fucked up, Bella. I fucked up _everything_."

"Watch your mouth, Edward." I growled. The kids were only ten feet away, and even if they weren't paying much attention to us, he knew how I was when it came to what they heard.

"Sorry."

"We're all well aware of what you've done, Edward. Is that all I'm going to get?" My legs had begun bouncing themselves out of annoyance for how this was going already.

"I have no idea how I've managed to cause all of this. It all happened so quickly and I didn't know how to get out. At first, I didn't even want to get out." He paused, shaking his head in embarrasment.

"After my layoff and being out of work for months, I'd just gotten so stressed out. I had no idea what was going to happen. The house, the cars, the bills, all of it. Then I started feeling like I was a man in a box, trapped, and couldn't find a way out."

He looked completely defeated and I felt that familiar pull to go to him, but I wouldn't allow myself to. I needed him to keep talking, and I couldn't allow myself to become weak.

"Heroin, the heroin took it all away. I didn't feel anything when I was high. Nothing at all. I didn't worry about the bills, I didn't worry about the kids, _or_ you. And after so much of the forgetting and not feeling anything, it became so easy."

I noticed that he was trying to keep his composure. I could see this was tearing him up.

"I had to leave, Bella. I had to leave because I was using, and it wasn't fair or safe for any of you. None of you deserved that kind of husband or father. I thought that leaving would be better. Better for you and the kids, that you'd all be better off without me. I was trying to protect all three of you."

I watched as he covered his face with his hands and ran them slowly down stopping at his jaw.

"Edward, why didn't you come to me? We've never kept secrets, and I could have helped you. I would have helped you." I couldn't believe he thought leaving and keeping this a secret from me would be better for us.

"It was embarrassing, Bella. I was so embarrassed. I'm trying to get clean, but I can't do it alone..." he stopped short. He was looking for me to finish the question that he obviously couldn't.

Would I be able to forgive him? I knew that I had to try and help him get clean, if not for no other reason than because my children deserved a father that they could look up to and depend on.

It didn't take me long to think it through.

"If you come back here, you'll have to forget about Laurent and go see a doctor to get clean. From this point on, if there is anything that you hide from me, you're gone. I won't put myself back into the place I was again. Never again, Edward." I glanced over to my babies for a moment, making sure Ava wasn't listening in.

"Go back, pack your things. Come back home in the morning and we'll go day-by-day." I peeked back to the kids, both still playing happily with the new table Jasper brought.

"We are still not okay. I have to concentrate on myself, and you need to concentrate on yourself. Nothing more until we've gotten that far. And even then, I'm not sure things will ever get back to where they were. What they were."

Edward nodded his head. "I won't screw this up, Bella. I promise you."

*

I'm not sure that the decision I made was the right one or the best one, but I wasn't sure what else to do. I didn't know anything about addiction.

Before Edward left after finishing the movie with Ava and Ryan, he told them that he would be coming back home in the morning and Ava's reaction was heart wrenching. She really missed her daddy, and I wouldn't be able to change my mind now.

The night was sure to be a long night, a night that would lead into something that I was hardly looking forward to.

I fed the kids an easy dinner and gave them their baths, tucked them in, and got ready for work.

Jane arrived at the house a few minutes early, so I took the time to sort through my thoughts in my car before I went into the club.

I lifted my head up off of the steering wheel after realizing I'd never gotten anything new to wear and I wasn't sure how many different things I should have to wear working only Friday and Saturday nights. If the three things I had weren't okay to wear again then I hoped Alice could help.

"Bella! A good deal of the weekenders are regulars! You should be well-stocked with new goodies; we'll have to take another trip sometime this week after a yoga class," she said, dashing out of the room.

_Yoga. _I totally forgot about that with all the crap I'd dealt with just today.

I shimmied my body into quite the ensemble that night. I had no idea where she had this stored, tags were still hanging off of the pieces and it was still on a store hanger.

Standing in front of the mirror, I took in what I was wearing.

Black satin gloves rose well past my elbows, a black and pink leopard print demi-type of bra with black lace lining the straps with a set of matching panties that actually didn't have a string riding up my ass, instead a small triangle of fabric, and a set of matching thigh highs reflected back at me. She paired my outfit with strappy black stiletto shoes.

Each and every time I felt nervous before going out into the club. There were men waiting and paying to see my body. To have me flaunt myself in front of them. It was only my second weekend and fourth night on the job, but I didn't think I'd ever get used to it.

It just wasn't me.

Alice shook my hair and sprayed some junk in it, giving me a bit of a wild look before her poor attempt at growling a, "Go get 'em, tiger," and smacking me on the ass. Again.

"Stage or floor?" I sighed while taking a peek through the door.

"Stage, Tor should be getting off any minute."

*

While I was in back taking my five, Tor came into the room, almost sneering at me. "Mike's waiting for you," she said, rolling her eyes. "and I have _no_ idea why."

She eyed me up and down, making me feel like a piece of trash, and I gladly took that as my opportunity to go ahead and step out onto the floor.

I noticed Mike sitting in his usual place on the same couch. I avoided his direction for as long as I could. There had been another dancer that I'd yet to meet near the other men sitting with him anyway. I'd thought I'd be safe to go ahead and make my way to the other side of the stage.

Little did I know, he must have been waiting for me because as soon as I'd walked behind his couch, he reached for my hand, making eye contact with me, and then nodding towards the private dance room.

_Oh God_. I was going to have to pull off my first _real_ private dance and I wasn't exactly happy about it - or even ready. Was it something I had to do? I wanted to ask Vic or Alice and get out of it, if I could. I just wasn't comfortable with the idea of being in that room yet. And I might never be.

*

"I'm not going to lie to you, this is something I am completely new at," I whispered while closing the door slowly.

"But don't you see, that is what I love about you, _Bella_." I briefly wondered how he knew my name. It kind of creeped me out.

I slowly walked over to where he sat, directly under the small black light that illuminated the room in an eerie glow.

"So, it's all on you, I suppose. You're going to have to tell me what you're expecting and what you'd like out of this," I somewhat stuttered as I played an unnoticeable game of thumb war with my own fingers. "It's all on you, as long as you follow Vic's rules."

"Tell me, _Bella_, what are the rules?" Mike asked with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. I assumed Tor ignored them.

"Something tells me that you're fully aware of them," I answered as he handed me a hundred dollar bill.

I watched skeptically as Mike rose to his feet and approached me, taking my hand in his. "First, lets see all of you," he said in a hushed tone as he spun me slowly. "Very nice."

He kept me standing with my back towards him as he led us backwards to the couch. Mike sat down as he held onto my hips and directed me into his lap. I was trying my damnedest not to tremble.

I wasn't the weak Bella I was two weeks ago, and I wouldn't allow myself to show that now. Especially not in this place, a place filled with men that couldn't find arousal at home. I briefly wondered how many of these men had wives or children of their own.

After having that brief moment of strong Bella, I decided to take this into my own hands.

I spun myself around while still sitting on Mike's lap, I tousled his blond hair for a moment before placing both of my spiky heeled feet on his shoulders. I watched as his face turned upwards into that of a puppy earning his first reward. I dipped my hips and drove them up again, so that my center was inches from his face and pushed one foot off of his shoulder and landed on my feet after completing a back walk-over.

I'd shown him that I was hardly the innocent, new, shy girl. I let a flirtatious smile creep onto my face as I looked him in the eye, as to ask what he'd thought of that '_new _girl move.'

Jokes on the joker.

My short time in gymnastics years ago hadn't let me down.

I began removing my top and just as I was about to approach him again on the couch, I heard Vic call, "Time!" as he banged three times on the wooden door.

I re-clasped my top, gave him a wink and walked out, handing Vic the money. He looked pleased as he dipped into his wallet to hand me a fifty.

*

My fourth night was over.

I'd even gotten myself through a PD that I hardly wanted to do. I sat down into the worn fabric of the driver's seat and started up my poor car that was on its last legs and went straight home. I needed a good night's sleep to prepare myself for what was to come tomorrow, or rather, later today.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N- Thanks, again to KD and MC (Kaydee and MaggieCullen) for all of their hard work.**

**It's important for me to get this going now...personally.**

**Disclaimer: as always...I don't own.**

* * *

BPOV

I made sure that I woke up fairly early today. It was the day that was bringing Edward back home, the day things were supposed to go back to normal - or work their way back to normal. Only I knew that wasn't what was happening. It couldn't happen, it wasn't as easy as that.

I showered and nibbled on an apple before the kids woke up. They were watching cartoons while I cleaned up the kitchen from their breakfast. I glanced at the clock, knowing that it was nearing ten.

From our talk last night after Ry's party, Edward seemed anxious to get back home. He'd always been a morning person, and if I had bet someone what time he'd be here by, I'd have said 'by nine at the latest.'

I ignored Jasper's call earlier that morning, to avoid the possibility of being on the phone with him while Edward came walking through the door. I knew that wouldn't help the situation at hand. It was clear that Edward wasn't happy that Jasper and I reunited by chance after he moved across the company.

*

It was nearing noon and I was getting nervous. Angry even. As I was putting some sandwiches together for the kids, I noticed myself glancing at the clock every few seconds.

I wasn't sure if Edward had thought through everything we'd talked about the night before and decided it was all a mistake. Did he prefer to live his life filled with drugs and the people that sucked him into that life? A thought nudged at my brain: or maybe- just maybe - something had happened.

Perhaps Edward walked back into Laurent's house, saw one of his 'friends' shooting, and reneged on his decision. Did he choose to remain an addict, not ready to get clean and accept help from those who truly loved him.

"Mama, when's Daddy coming," Ava asked as she climbed up onto the bar stool to eat her lunch.

"I'm not sure, Baby. I'm gonna give him a call soon."

If Edward let my daughter down, I was going to have a friggen coronary.

I watched my kids eat their lunch as I leaned against the bar with my elbows propped up and my chin resting on my fists. I had to calm myself down because I felt my nerves start to take a hold of me. I didn't want Ava or even Ryan to see me getting upset.

So I did what I always found myself doing while I was stressed out or angry – I started cleaning things that weren't included in everyday chores.

I ripped the blinds down from all of the windows in the kitchen and living room and tossed them in the tub upstairs, filling it with hot water and bleach.

I headed back downstairs to clean up after the kids lunch and had Ava keep and eye on Ryan while I went back upstairs to scrub the blinds that were soaking in the tub. I made sure to grab my cell before leaving them with _Alice in Wonderland_ and the Thomas table that would still occupy them if they got fidgety.

I called Edward,but his phone didn't ring; instead it went straight to voice mail. I didn't leave a message. By this time I was livid and in the perfect mindset to get down and dirty with the dusty, discolored blinds that were waiting for me in the tub.

After the blinds, I cleaned out the fridge, dusted the mantel over the fireplace, washed the windows, vacuumed the couches and stairs, and washed, folded, and put away four loads of laundry.

I swept the back porch that had collected the fallen leaves and random pine needles. I weeded the small garden I had on the side of the house and batted angrily at the doormat, removing it of the filth from peoples' feet.

Filling the kitchen sink with hot soapy water, I dumped all of the Peek-A-Blocks and Mega Blocks in and scrubbed them until my cuticles were barely existent, and then placed them in the strainer to dry.

And still…no Edward.

*

It was time for my babies to get to bed, and I wasn't sure what kind of things Ava might ask about her Daddy not coming like he had said he would. Thinking of all the things she could possibly say and ask was heart-wrenching.

I wished Edward wouldn't have told my children that he was coming back home today. It wasn't fair; we'd been doing better, and now I felt like I was going to have to start at the beginning.

After reading them a book, I brought Ryan into his room and tucked him in, kissing him on his forehead, "Goodnight, baby boy." I turned his night light on and kept his door cracked.

"Daddy never came back today," Ava said in a quiet voice that broke my heart.

"It's okay, Sweetie. I'm sure we'll see him soon. Get some sleep, okay?" I kissed my daughter and walked to her door, "I love you Avakins." I closed her door a bit and went back downstairs heartbroken. Not only was I feeling sadness for my babies, but I was also furious. The different emotions mixing together were causing a toxic reaction.

After those thoughts took over my brain, I acted without much thinking. I called Jane asking if she'd like to come and make a few bucks while I went against my better judgment.

*

I seated my ass angrily into my shit-box of a car and headed straight over to where I thought Laurent might live. It was a rundown two-story piece of shit planted beside a 7-Eleven and a dirty, rundown laundry mat. There were a few cars like my own pulled alongside the sidewalk.

It took me a moment before I summoned up enough courage for me to walk up to the door and demand to see my husband.

It was Sunday and when I reached the door all I could hear was the loud booming laughter and cheering and in the background; the sound of the football game over all of the low lives' banter.

I held my breath, _bang-bang-bang._

I opened the door and scanned the room, attempting to find Edward sitting there on the dirty couch, the few worn, stained kitchen chairs, or even the dirty floor. He wasn't here, but I spotted Laurent sitting on the arm of the filthy couch next to a rather large man.

"Ahem," I cleared my throat causing the entire flock of junkies to look toward the door where I stood.

After I felt like they'd all been staring at me long enough, and so I wouldn't lose my nerve while waiting for Laurent to recognize me, I asked, "Where is he?" I stared Laurent down starting from his ratted, unkempt hair to his stained, grey t-shirt and to his dirty work boots, complete with worn toes and torn laces. "Edward. MY HUSBAND!?"

The idiot shrugged at me before answering. "I haven't seen him all day, he was gone before I got up this morning…afternoon. Whenever it was," he spoke to me like he didn't care. "Now, please leave."

"Actually, _Laurent_," I addressed him like the filth he was, "can I have two minutes of your time outside?"

I heard him sigh dramatically before getting off his ass and following me through the door. After all, I was interrupting his football and probably a decent high, and I could tell he wasn't into confrontation. He looked annoyed that I was causing a scene.

When we got outside lost my cool.

I found myself panting from anxiety and before I realized it, I punched the man, with all the force and anger I could muster up, dead in the face before shouting, "Do you see what has become of my husband?!" I was screaming and I lost control of my body, my arms were flailing and my legs were kicking. I was making good contact for the most part of my freak out.

"You've enabled Edward; it might not be your fault, but you can't consider yourself a friend! Not after sitting here watching him turn his life completely upside down." I spat.

His nose began bleeding, but he just stood there, refusing to go back into the house or try and stop me. I almost wanted him to hit me back.

"Haven't you learned anything from losing your own daughter? Wasn't losing her enough for you to want to get _your_ life back in order?! Maybe Amaya is better off without you _or_ her mother."

I shut up and kicked him one last time in the place that would bring him to his knees.

"Maybe you won't be able to reproduce and hurt anymore children or families now, you fucking asshole."

I walked away slowly and sat myself in my car. I waited a few minutes, catching my breath and coming out of my adrenaline rush before turning the ignition on and driving away I watched as Laurent still sat there perfectly still, hunched over on his side, and bleeding out of his nose.

I knew deep down that that was the most immature and completely asinine thing I could have done. There was a house full of men that could have locked me up in that house and done anything they wanted to me, but I suddenly feared absolutely nothing. Nothing at all.

I picked up my phone when I reached the end of the street. I dialed Alice.

"I'm a mess and look like I crawled out of a hole, but let's go out, let's do something fun and exciting."

"Oh, hell yes! Meet me at my house and we'll fix your mess right up!"

I loved that Alice never needed much. She didn't seem to feed off of drama; she never asked questions or meddled. She always seemed to know what was too far and what would make me uncomfortable.

I called Jane to make sure she'd be okay, making sure to let her know that I'd pay her well and drove over to Alice's house.

*

"Bella, you've got blood staining your hands. What the hell happened," she asked, looking worried, and a little disgusted by the blood.

"Eh, let's just say that I won a battle that ultimately I'll never _really _win. Let's just forget about it, okay?" She nodded while combing through the mess that sat on top of my head.

"And here. When Vic's girlfriend took off, she left a few clothes behind."

Alice tossed me a pair of black leggings that had a slight shine to them and a white sweater dress. I was shocked that she'd given me something fairly unrevealing and comfy to wear until she reached into her closet revealing a pair of spiky healed suede boots.

"So, where exactly is it that we're going, lady?"

"The club," she squeaked. "I'd like you to get a peek at a few people. Get to know some of the men that frequent the club. Besides, it's a free night out!" Winking, she ran her hands through her short, crazy hair before picking up her hand bag and grabbing her keys and my hand, and made a mad dash out of the house.

*

Alice pulled her little red, toy car up onto the sidewalk in front of the club. I decided not to even bother questioning her makeshift parking spot. I stepped out of her car, adjusted myself, and oddly got a feeling like I was about to walk down the red carpet…or something similar.

We walked in and Alice headed straight to the bar, ordering us each a shot of Patron. I suddenly felt myself holding back the gag reflex I had just thinking about shooting tequila.

The bartender semi-whispered to Alice after placing the shot glasses on the polished wooden bar in front of us, "Vic mention the incident here in the parking lot last night?"

"Yes he did. Now, some lime please?" Alice said while staring him down.

Looking at Alice, I raised my eyebrow to question what the bartender had just mentioned, but she just shrugged it off. If it was anything that big, I'm sure I would have heard about it. I'd have to ask her later.

I deserved a night of some innocent fun, so I sucked it up, picked up my next shot, salted the pad of my palm and downed the gold liquid, feeling the burn that followed down my throat before shoving a lime segment in my mouth.

"Just put us both on Vic's tab, Paul," she giggled over her shoulder while taking my hand and escorting us to a table in front of the stage.

I assumed that Vic's tab meant this night wouldn't cost a penny; Al was co-owner anyway.

We both sat on the stools, and I watched as Alice eyed a dancer that I'd only seen once or twice, but had never been introduced to before turning her head back over to the bar and holding up four fingers, giving Paul a wink.

"Who is she? That dancer," I asked, nodding my head in her direction.

"Her name is Lauren, and she's a total bitch to anyone without a dick. Vic refuses to get rid of her because she makes some of the regulars super happy with her lack of coordination," she laughed. "She always seems to end up on her ass, and when that happens, it's usually on a face or in the lap of the man that awaits for it to happen excitedly," she paused for a second to see what had been taking so long with the drinks. "It's all bullshit though. She pretends to be clumsy, and it seems to work. Her tips are on the higher side."

"Huh," I thought aloud just as four shot glasses appeared in front of us, along with a saltshaker and plastic cup full of limes. I wondered what was appealing or sexy about clumsiness, but came up with nothing. I had my own occasional periods of clumsiness. I pictured them in my head, but they were all very unsexy.

We cheered to a night of fun and downed another shot, which went down a bit easier than my first. "That guy over there? In the white t-shirt? Mitch, he's a foreman, and comes in with a bunch of his crew a lot. Usually weekdays, though."

I immediately remembered the men in those t-shirts with Jasper that night.

"They are all respectable men, usually only coming in for a few beers if they've been working overtime or the occasional weekend."

I turned my head back and glanced over at the couches. There he sat, just like every other night I'd been working. Mike. This time he wasn't in his usual dress shirt and nice jeans. Tonight, he had on a zip-up sweatshirt and a pair of tear-away track pants.

While taking notice of his apparel, he saw me and made eye contact, waggling his eyebrows like a horny teenager. I guess even dressed in normal clothing I'd be recognizable from being a dancer at Dazzle. That might possibly be something that could bite me in that ass at some point in the future.

"Seems Newton's found an interest in you for sure!" Alice chirped. Always upbeat and bouncy, and oddly, I found that is what I enjoyed most about her. "He happens to be one of the project managers that Mitch runs. Mitch gets a lot of work for the men through him."

_Mitch a foreman, Jasper another foreman, Mike the big project manager. All working together in someway? Wonderful_. I had to put that thought out of my head though, if only for the night.

"I guess. I just have no idea why. I'm still fairly unsure of what I'm actually doing and when I look at Tor…or Lauren even…"

"Give yourself some credit, Bella! Sheesh, stop being so blind!" She brought her hand up to my head and in one swift motion, brought it down towards my pointy heeled boots. "You're sexy, smart, and you _can_ move. Even if you do doubt yourself."

I just shrugged, not exactly knowing how to respond to such compliments. Well, most of them. I wasn't sure if being referred to as a good stripper was saying too much. We picked up the next shot glasses and downed them without all the salting business. The third went down much easier than the previous two.

Alice then, instead threw up a few demanding fingers called a waitress over, "Two Long Islands, Sweets!" The waitress nodded and skipped over to the bar like she was kissing ass with her boss.

"Al, you trying to get me drunk? I do have two kids that usually wake up at sunrise, ya know," I giggled, the tequila already hitting me, and sending me into child-like giddiness. I rarely drank and when I did, it was usually just a glass of wine after the kids had gone to bed.

"Alright, we'll finish our drinks and head home if you promise to pick up a pole dancing class with me tomorrow afternoon."

_Was she was bargaining with me? _

Well, she wasn't going to have to do much better than that because at this point I was already half in the bag, and if someone had asked, I might have even got up onto the stage in a second. I felt good, and goofy, and happy.

"Sure, sure, Al. Whatever you say. I better not break my neck, though."

*

I woke up to Alice hovering over my bed with Ryan tucked closely into her side. I wasn't sure if I remembered how or when I'd gotten home, let alone why Alice was in my house with my son on her hip.

I tried sitting up, and as soon I lifted my head off my pillow, the booming in my head began. I let my head fall back onto my pillow and threw my hands over my face.

"Alice," I whispered, wincing from the pounding ricocheting through my head.

"Rise and shine, girl! We've gotta be out of here within the hour to make it to the gym!"

"For the love of all that is holy, please, can you not be so chipper, and squeaky, and _loud _right now," I begged.

I attempted to make my way to my bathroom, bumping into the end table…then the door frame before sitting my butt down on the toilet with a silent thud.

After finishing my business and washing my hands, I grabbed the Motrin from the medicine cabinet and swallowed them dry before brushing the nasty taste off of my teeth and out of my mouth.

"Never drink with Alice again. Never again," I promised the scary reflection in the mirror.

I walked out of my bathroom and crashed back down, stomach first, onto my bed, when I noticed the clock. "Shit! It's eleven?! Where's Ava and Ry? Have they eaten?" I went into slight panic mode.

"Relax, Sweets. They've both had breakfast, Ava is happily playing tea party with Molly downstairs, and I turned Noggin on." Alice playing nanny? I'd have never guessed that.

"Oh gosh. What time did you get here? I'm so sorry!"

"I stayed, Bella. I didn't realize you were such an easy drunk! We stopped by my house so I could grab the kids' seats and I sent your babysitter home. I got up with the kids. I made them chocolate chip pancakes with extra chocolate chips and gave them strawberry milk!" She was excited about feeding my kids. Really?

Great, in all her excitement, she probably set my kids up for a damn sugar coma. If so, it'd be her responsibility. I'd lay my butt on the couch and watch as she tended to the kids that she decided to feed all that junk to.

"Your phone's been ringing like crazy, by the way. I let it just ring, it's over on the floor by the door in your bag," she told me.

"Eh, let me shower, get the kids ready and head to the gym. I'll worry about the calls later."

*

Both Alice and I dropped the kids off in the gym's childcare room.. It was an amazing room, and Ava ran off before even saying as much as "Bye, Mama." She headed straight to the sandbox. Ryan was reluctant at first, not wanting me to put him down, but as soon as he spotted a ride-on train he pointed and squealed, "Mama ma, Train, train!" I placed him on the train and snuck out before he realized I was leaving him.

We walked toward the room that I hardly had time to prepare for. A room full of poles and accidents just waiting to happen.

Relieved to find a room full of women, all ranging in age, body shape and size, I relaxed a little. Maybe I wouldn't feel so stupid if I would end falling on my ass...or my head.

Alice noticed that I was taking in the scene and must have wanted to reassure me that this wasn't something people did just for the sole purpose of stripping. "It's real exercise, Bella. It's fun and different. You'll love it, I promise! Plus, you'll be able to use some of it at work," grinning though the last part of her explanation, she gave me her memorable and now familiar ass smack.

We approached two poles that were next to each other, but a good ten or twelve feet between the two. Alice instantly climbed to the top of hers, wrapped her thin legs around the pole and contorted into a position that looked extremely difficult, but necessary for what I saw her do just now.

Her body flew upside down in a flash while she allowed herself to slide to the bottom, landing flat on her back. She stretched her legs into a split before she lifted her back and arms grabbing back onto the pole, pulling herself back up.

She reached the top, all of this happening in about thirty seconds-- before smiling sheepishly at me.

"I swear I wasn't showing off! Okay, maybe I was just a little bit," she said with an impish grin.

The class started after Alice's little show, and I quickly learned this was absolutely no beginners class. I grabbed the pole and leaned against it as I watched all of these women show off their pole mastery.

I sighed quietly to myself, not expecting to be thrown dead in the middle of something that looked impossible and really, really hard.

Alice took herself out of the group and approached me. "Here, try this," I watched as she climbed my pole about two thirds up, crossing her legs straight out in front of her. "Hold your thigh muscles as tight as you can and just hold yourself to the pole."

After she slid down, I attempted to do as she easily instructed. I made my way up and when I felt I'd gotten high enough I crossed my legs and held with all the power I had in my thighs.

I added a little sarcasm, holding out my arms and leaning my torso and head hanging back and away from the pole, as if to say _"ta-da!"_

This act elicited a clap, adding in a bounce and small shrieks of enthusiasm from Alice.

"I'm going to venture out and guess that by the end of this class, you'll end up able to do what most women won't learn from weeks, or even months, of practice!"

Alice had spent the rest of the class with me, shutting out the entire room, focusing only on me and teaching me a few moves that would both be muscle strengthening, which I could totally feel, and something to carry over to the club with me.

By the end of my first class, I had mastered the tasks of holding myself in an upright position and lowering myself down to land in a handstand, coming off the pole with a back walk over. I was quite impressed with myself, as was Alice and the instructor.

*

Alice took us straight to her house after our class and helped me strap the kids' seats back in. She told me she'd see me at Yoga tomorrow. All of this new activity I had going on in my life was nice. Tiring, but nice.

I pulled my cell out of my bag to see who had been calling earlier in the morning. Certain it was Jasper, I checked my voice mail calmly.

My cell told me I had three new messages and five missed calls.

"_Bella, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I won't be able to come home." _

He waited until this morning to tell me this?

"_Isabella Swan, this is Officer Botelho, your husband was brought in last night on a few charges. Your vehicle is being held at Rick's Auto here in town and can be picked up anytime during the week between nine and five. Mr. Cullen will have to stay in custody until his bail hearing Wednesday morning. If you have any questions you can call the department and speak with me, extension four."_

I guessed Edward wasn't sure when he'd be getting out, if he was getting out and that is why Edward hadn't called until this morning. I really hated who this man had become.

"_Morning, Izz. Just calling to say hi. Give me a call when you can." _Jasper's message said.

My husband was arrested? I was having a hard time getting a grasp on things; this was a lot to take in. In the past month or so, I'd learned so much, taken on so much.

I began dialing Esme's number but stopped. I needed to go over to her house and talk to her. There was no way I was going to tell her that her son had been arrested over the phone. Not to mention I wasn't even sure what the charges were and when and if he'd be released. Would there be a bail set? Would I post bail for him?

Not likely.


	12. Chapter 12

It'd been a few days since Edward had been arrested and I still couldn't bring myself to go and see him. I had no idea what happened, I'd only leaned that his truck was parked out back in the parking lot behind Dazzle. Why he'd been in the parking lot behind Dazzle and why he thought it was okay to deal drugs just hours before coming home was beyond me

I wasn't ready for excuses, and I certainly wasn't ready to see him. I picked up the SUV on Tuesday and that was all I would let myself do. I needed it, and my car was on its last leg, anyway. I might have let it rot in impound had that not been the case.

The week had gone by extremely very slow and I was going out of my mind. I hadn't talked to Jasper since he'd called and left the message I got on Monday morning. I hoped the four days that passed since his last call wouldn't become too awkward.

Esme had the kids, because I was feeling like I had been slammed right back to the beginning, when Edward first left- all over again, in that spot where nothing was right and nothing made sense - so she offered to take them overnight. She picked them up the previous afternoon and I tried to go on like nothing was wrong, like nothing happened. I went to an off-schedule yoga class with Alice, visited Rose, and then cooked myself dinner. I shut everything out, acting as though nothing had changed. I was doing the best I could.

I was hiding it pretty damn well.

I reached in my bag and wrestled around all my junk for my chiming cell.

_Hey, Izz! Where've ya been? _Jasper asked.

_Just been busy. How's work been going?_

_Just waiting on a shipment so I won't be heading back to the hotel until tomorrow. _He sounded happy and it was nice to hear his voice.

_So lets go grab some lunch! If you're not busy?_

*

Jasper and I met at a small diner and I was telling him about my drunk-scapade on Sunday night with Alice. I noticed his brows furrow and him look down at his sandwich before he started playing around with the fries on his plate.

"What?" I asked, a little embarrassed that I'd just admitted to getting drunk and having to be carried out and taken home.

"It really isn't anything, Izz."

"Really and anything don't fit well together in the same sentence, Jas. If it is _really and anything_, then why not just tell me?' I asked.

"Honestly? I hate that you work there. I hate knowing that people are paying to see your body. I hate that Mike comes by to check the progress of a job on Monday while he chats it up with his goons about his new favorite showgirl. It's disgusting."

My hand reached to cover my face on its own free will. _Oh God._

"Isn't there anything else, Bella," he asked, "anything else you could do? Is there anyway I can help?"

No one was going to understand.

I was a single mother of two small children; therefore I wanted and needed to be able to be home with them. I also had the luxury of owning a home in which case meant that I was responsible for a fairly hefty mortgage. Never mind the other bills and responsibilities that came with owning a house, I now had two vehicles, one of which I'd recently acquired that wasn't paid off.

Why not get it all off my chest now? Would there ever be a better time? The kids weren't here and the diner was slow.

"Edward's in jail..."

After explaining everything and getting all of it off my chest, I felt myself rise up from the slouch I'd rested into while I had explained the whys and the hows, of my reasons. I lifted my body back into good posture and felt the air begin to refill my lungs. I finally allowed myself finally to come back together.

Jasper sat there still as stone, keeping eye contact at all times and showing few facial expressions until I'd finished my confessions. Maybe he understood, or maybe I just hoped he would.

"Have you thought about school?" He asked after nothing was said for a few minutes, while we fiddled with our straws and food.

"Of course I have, Jas. First I need to worry about all the crap that has been left up to me. School will come, I have no intentions of being a dancer forever."

He nodded his head before reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a few bills to pay for our lunch. Before I could say anything and offer to pull my own weight, he gave me a look that silently said, '_don't even.'_

"I'm going over to Esme's to grab the kids, busy?" I looked over towards Jasper to find his eyes locked on mine and his smile reaching his beautiful eyes.

"Of course not, let's go."

We headed outside and I quickly realized that Jasper was unaware of what I was driving. He looked at me and tilted his head, "Edward's?"

I nodded my head in answer as I crawled into the driver's seat. As he shut the passenger door I gave him a simple, "No, mine."

The rest of the drive over to the Cullens' was fairly quiet as Jas played with the stereo. I placed my hand over his as a song came on that for some odd reason always seemed to bring out the sixteen year old Bella.

I started moving my head to the beat before singing and drumming my hands on the steering wheel. I got a little more into the beat before trying my best at singing.

"Feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying..." looking over in Jasper's direction, he was grinning ear to ear at my enthusiasm over a song that had been a one hit wonder years ago, not to mention a total chick song.

I continued after earning his approval.

"Hey! Feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying, Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'. I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me, I'm beggin' you to beg me!"

Jasper cleared his throat. I wasn't sure if he had done that because of the lyrics or if he was trying to keep himself from erupting in laughter.

I stopped, realizing that the lyrics were a bit weird for me to be singing along like a maniac with Jasper in the car. With his eyes on me I was just trying to have a little fun.

Though, fun was what I craved, what I needed now, even more than last weekend while I was at the club with Alice.

The lyrics to the song weren't exactly all wrong for me. Not when it came to Jas.

We pulled into Carlisle and Esme's driveway just as the song came to an end. Shifting the SUV into park, I rested my hand on the keys that still hung from the ignition. "Would you rather wait in here?"

Jasper quirked an eyebrow at me before glancing at the house then back to me.

"I think waiting here would be better, Izz."

"Right."

I headed straight for the door and entered the house, where I heard my kids in the family room goofing off with Carlisle. I followed the happy noises escaping the three of them into the room and leaned against the doorframe.

"Hey guys," I greeted my babies.

"Hi, Bells. Can I have a moment with you before you take off?" Carlisle stood up off of the floor and brushed off his suit pants before heading into the kitchen.

"I'll be right back, you two," I said, while walking towards the kitchen, letting my kids know I wouldn't be long.

The kitchen was quiet and Carlisle had a look of remorse in his eyes. "Bella, you need to go and see Edward. You need to know what happened and why things ended up this way…" he began explaining before I cut him off.

"Carlisle, I'm not ready. I am not ready to spiral backwards, not again. And Edward ultimately put himself in this position; he chose his path months ago. So, no' I'm not going to see him. Not now, and not until I'm ready."

"Bella," I heard from behind me as Esme entered the kitchen. "He needs you to understand what happened. I think you owe him that - if only for the kids."

Honestly, I owed my husband nothing. I'd already thought about talking to a divorce lawyer, and I was fairly certain it wouldn't be long before I had served him with papers. He wasn't only hurting me, he was hurting his parents, and he was even hurting his children, Emmett, and Rosalie.

I sighed.

"I have to go. Thank you for taking the kids for the night. Please, you're welcome to visit whenever you want. I know they miss you." I walked out of the kitchen and back into the family room before scooping Ryan up and taking a hold of my daughter's hand.

Both Esme and Carlisle said their "good byes" and "I love yous" before walking us to the door.

I strapped my kids into their seats and climbed back into mine. I glanced back up before putting the truck into reverse and noticed that both of them stopped mid-wave. They must have noticed Jasper.

"Jasper," Ava exclaimed in welcome while Ryan giggled in agreement.

"Hey, kiddos!" Jasper was genuinely happy to see them, but I could also sense some tension. "I guess the in-laws aren't particularly happy to see me here."

I shrugged his comment off before I decided on answering him anyway. "Honestly, does it really even matter? Edward is in jail, and you and I are friends. My kids adore you and you make us happy."

Smiling to myself, I turned the radio up and pulled out of the driveway.

The drive home was filled with loud chatter over the music. Jasper knew exactly how to respond to my kids. It was almost natural to him. I listened as Ava babbled his ear off and Ryan tried his best to keep up.

As we pulled up to the diner to drop Jas off at his truck, Ava began her little began her little game of begging Jasper to come over. It almost always worked, but I wasn't sure I was up for company.

"Jasper, Jasper! Can't you come over again and play," Ava pleaded.

"Not tonight, sweetie, I've gotta go to work early in the morning. Maybe another time real soon. I promise, okay?"

"Pinky promise," she asked, holding up her little pinky as best as she could.

"You bet, Ava," he promised as he bent over the front seat, grasping his pinky in hers. "I pinky promise."

As he was untangling his position back to the front seat. After he untangled himself he took a hold of my hand gently before bringing it up to his lips and placing a soft kiss between my index and middle fingers. "If it's okay with your Mom?" he questioned, peeking up through his lashes.

"Of course, Jas. I'll give you a call," I answered innocently.

Jasper exited the car, and as soon as the door closed, I let out a breath that I didn't realize I'd been holding. This man was making me melt without even trying. I was feeling a little guilty.

*

I'd tucked my kids into bed and made a cup of tea. I plucked my cell out of my bag and plopped down on my recliner with my tea and phone.

_Ava really adores you, you know, _I texted Jas.

_And I adore her, too. _He quickly responded.

_Ryan likes you, too. _I replied.

_And you?_

_Sure I adore you and I like you. _I had to giggle at that.

_Really?_

_Really._

_Goodnight, Izz. Sweet dreams._

_*_

_Ring.. Ring.. Ring.._

_Who the hell was calling me at this time? _

I glanced at the clock and saw it was barely ten. I must have fallen asleep just after my texts with Jas.

Alice.

"Hey, Al. Everything okay?"

I could hear her rushing around and it sounded like she was at the club. "No!!" she shrieked, "We're out a dancer and two waitresses!"

I'm not sure what I could do, assuming Jane had school tomorrow and my only other sitter was Rose. Could I come up with something vague enough that she'd buy? And would she question my vagueness? Probably.

"Let me give my sister-in-law a call, okay?"

"Okay, thanks, Bella!" I heard her phone snap shut just as someone was trying to get her to come and take his order.

I lifted my now stiff body that had become stiffened from falling asleep in such a horrendous position and called Rose right away.

"Rosalie, are you sleeping?"

"Not exactly," she giggled. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes, but a friend needs my help; mind coming over to keep an eye on the kids?"

I heard her straining to hold in a sigh of annoyance. "I'll be there in fifteen. And _your friend_," she emphasized the friend part, knowing that it really had nothing to do with her, "owes me."

Rose was there sooner than the fifteen minutes she said, and I scurried out of the door after quickly explaining that the kids shouldn't wake up.

I was at the club within a half hour after hanging up with Alice.

"Quick! Get dressed. I laid something out for you on the back of your chair!"

Vic needed to hire more employees, and quickly. I couldn't be doing this all the time.

I took things into my own hands and decided not to wait for instruction this time. Alice was busy and had little help tonight, which left her no time at all to worry about me. By now, I should be able to handle my own anyway.

I peeked through to the stage, my breathing becoming a bit short and frantic. I found the stage empty, men waiting impatiently. I decided to just head out there, not seeing Tor or Lauren anywhere else.

The number I was wearing was riding up my ass and I found it to be a bit more uncomfortable than I cared for. At least I'd get to try out the pole with some moves I learned earlier in the week.

I was wearing pink and black, once again. There was a pair of elbow length gloves I decided not to wear, ensuring I'd be able to keep a firm grip on the pole. A shiny, satin pink bustier with black lace tie-ups both on both the left and right sides was paired with black fishnet thigh highs, a matching pink thong, and a pair of pink strappy shoes.

Apparently Alice thought I was a pink kind of girl.

_Go figure._

As soon as I got my breathing under control, I began feeling a weird rush; it was something new. I walked through the black curtains which immediately caused the hungry men to relax as they let out some hushed "woos." It sounded as though they were trying to say _'damn, it's about time.'_

I've never heard this place so quiet and there was a fairly large crowd. Thursday was a major payday, and it definitely wasn't dead out here. I glanced over at Alice; she was rushing a full tray of drinks around in a panicked frenzy, still carrying that happy smile that I found infectious.

She made eye contact with me and gave me a small nod while mouthing, "Let's go, Sweets!" As usual, Alice was showing full confidence in me, with whatever I managed to pull off.

I pranced my way down the sides of the stage, smiling at the men sitting around before taking my place at the pole. I was going to go right for it, hit it or miss it.

I took hold of the metal and climbed all the way up, grasping the pole with my legs in T-shaped cross, something that I had seen some of the more advanced women doing at class, and let my body fall backwards before reaching up, holding on between my thighs and letting my legs fall into a split, spilling below my now upside down head.

It was all it took to get the club going. The night wasn't a catastrophe after all. I was full of pride, whether I saved a beached whale or a strip club, it didn't matter in this moment.

I slid down the pole in that same position before lifting my body upright, kicking one foot onto the pole while I held one hand firmly in place as I spun the rest of the way down. I mentally noted how the heel and pad of my shoe had somewhat aided in locking my foot, keeping me securely attached.

I worked the crowd surrounding the stage for a while before I saw Lauren rushing out of the back and onto the stage, shooting me a nasty look before snarling, "Get the fuck off my stage."

_Wow._

"S-sorry."

I walked off the stage as quick as I could, I headed straight to the dressing room and tried not to trip and stumble in my hastiness.

_Well, guess that could be called my introduction to Lauren. Alice was right, a total bitch._

I pinned my hair up while sitting in front of the vanity. After my little pole show, I had begun to glisten a little with sweat. I noticed a glass of cranberry juice in front of me with a little note attached that read _'Bella, thought you might be a little thirsty after that pole mastery. -M.'_

M. Who did I know with a name beginning with M? Oh Jesus. I wondered briefly why he didn't send something alcoholic, even though I was grateful.

Ahh, he must have seen Alice dragging me out of the club on Sunday. What a damn idiot I was, knowing that it would take little to get me so completely smashed that I'd barely remember anything.

I gulped down half the glass before applying some shimmer powder. I made my way out to the floor and walked straight over to where I knew Mike would be.

"Cranberry?" I asked while smirking evilly.

"I figured after last Sunday's events you'd be better off without liquor. How about a PD, _Bella_?"

I let out a hushed groan. I hardly wanted to be back there in that room again with Mike, knowing it would only make its way back to Jas at some point in the near future.

I held my hand out to him and led him out back and into the private room. "Well, Mike," I said with a bit of sarcasm, " I hear you enjoy talking about me to all of the big wigs at work, eh?"

He said nothing and headed right for the leather couch, but before sitting, he reached into his back pocket and produced his wallet.

"Oh yes, let's not forget to pay your new - what was it? Favorite Showgirl?"

He glanced up at me before slipping me some money from his faded, brown leather wallet, "Uh, excuse me?" he said with a bit of shock.

I rolled my eyes, "It doesn't matter. What is it that you'd like to see tonight, Mike Newton?" I teased, before plucking the crisp bills from his hands.

He looked stunned. Maybe I was the first stripper he'd come across with attitude, not really giving a shit about his hefty tips.

"Uh, a conversation?"

I'd been untangling myself from my uncomfortably tight bustier and stopped, stunned by what had just come out of his mouth.

"What?" I asked, completely baffled.

"I said…a conversation."

"I know what you said, Michael. But why are you paying money for a conversation in a strip club?" I couldn't lie to myself, I was definitely curious now.

Leaving my laces untied, I took a seat on the couch next to him, finding myself intrigued by the man that was Michael Newton.

"Please, feel free not to answer anything that makes you uncomfortable, and I'd also like things to go as they would during any normal dinner date, run in with an old stranger, or even a phone conversation."

Was he kidding me?

"Michael." I spoke his full name, assuming he wasn't named something like Micah or some name that was completely out there. It made me feel like I had the upper hand, or like I was the bigger person, "This isn't a dinner date and this isn't a run in with an old stranger. So go ahead and get this conversation going, please."

He stared at me like I had a few heads before continuing, "Well, I feel like I might know a little bit about you already. I've heard you are a fantastic woman, mother, and friend. Jasper always gets in an uproar when I speak of you. I assume you two are involved in some sort of way?"

"Yeah, I think I'll take you up on that," I said, remembering his earlier talk of my not answering things I didn't want to.

"I've known Jasper for years. That's it."

I took a moment before asking him some things I was curious about.

"Why did you take interest over me almost immediately? Deciding to make me your new pet of sorts…over Tor?"

He stared at me straight in the eyes. "Remember that night Jasper took you in here? To be honest, at the time, it was only my curiosity; Jasper is hardly into this type of….thing." He paused briefly before continuing. "At work, I'd heard him talking to one of his closest friends and coworkers about you. And well, do you think I enjoy spending my nights at a strip club? You think I actually enjoy spending money on women instead of spending my nights after work at home, with a wife and children?" He stopped, but I could tell that it wasn't intentional, he had more to say.

I kind of felt sorry for his ass.

"I don't really want to throw anything else at you tonight. Thank you, Bella. Thank you for just sitting in here and talking to me." Mike stood up and walked to the door and glanced back at me before quickly exiting.

The entire thing was really weird. What else could he have possibly thrown at me? And would I ever find out?

I made my way back into the dressing room and threw myself back into my sweats and ratted t-shirt. Lauren was there now with another dancer that I'd not yet been introduced to. And unless Alice expected me to make a royal fool of myself helping her waitress…

"Bella!"

_Shit. _She was about to do exactly that.

"Please, throw on this leotard, cummerbund, and bow-tie and help me with these thirsty men! The other two waitresses have yet to show up and I'm dying out there! Please?!"

I threw my hands up, giving in, "Al, I've never once waitressed. Not even at a place like Friendly's, but if you insist."

"Oh! And lose the fishnets!" she chirped before rushing back out into the front.

Shit, I had left them on under my sweats in a rush to just get out of here and get home to my kids...and Rosalie, who would surely be asking questions. What else was going to be thrown at me tonight? Quite frankly, I was exhausted and wouldn't be able to take anything else.

I approached the bar and was quickly handed a full tray full of drinks, "Tables four and six, Bella," Paul instructed before dashing off to mix up more drinks for the next round.

*

I was finally sitting peacefully in the SUV that once belonged to Edward,and the windows were down. I was breathing in the cool air, calming myself before the storm that I was certain I'd walk into when I got home to Rose.

I was physically and mentally exhausted, and I knew my night wasn't over.

Before turning the ignition, I came to a decision: if Rosalie started prodding me about friends needing help, I would tell her. I would come out and tell her that I'd become a dancer at Dazzled. I wasn't going to sneak around and pretend anymore.

Quite frankly, how was she - or anyone else - going to judge me, anyway?

Not that it mattered when it came to Rose, she judged anyone and everyone whenever she wanted to.

I would deal with it. If she couldn't accept me for who I was now, then screw her.

I started the SUV and drove straight home.

Still in the waitress uniform as I walked through the door, I found Rose standing there staring at me like I was some piece of trash, hands on her hips, and shaking her head, toes tapping.

"Uh," I paused, because I knew once I asked her what and why she was staring at me like that, it was going to be the start to a sleepless night."Stop looking at me that way. Stop now," I spat. Rose was already judging me, and she hadn't even said a word.

I brushed past her, letting out some sort of aggravated growl, "At least let me go change."

"Yeah, you go and do that."

*

I walked back down the stairs to find Rose sitting at the bar, fiddling with a piece of plastic. As I got closer to her I noticed that it was in the shape of a stick, one end white the other purple.

"Rose, are you?!" I exclaimed.

"I am," she simply said. "I am, but I feel like my good news just isn't as important now."

"Are you kidding me? This is the news you've been waiting for. The news you've wanted for so long!"

Was she seriously going to lose her excitement of just learning she was pregnant because I came home in a cocktail waitress uniform? She didn't even have any idea I was actually a dancer. I'd hate to take the wrath from her if I had come home in the get up I normally wore.

"Bells, I can't ignore the fact that you just walked through your front door wearing a leotard and bow-tie." She scowled. "And those shoes, shoes that you've never even been able to walk in before; what the hell are you doing wearing those shoes?"

I looked down at the stick Rose was twisting in her hands." Look Rose, it's just a job. I don't plan on being there for the rest of my life. It's not like I can continue working there when crap starts aging, wrinkling, and graying," I said, trying to hold in my giggles.

"Whatever, Bella, does _he_ know?"

This bitch was starting to get on my nerves. Edward didn't have the right to know much of anything anymore, nothing that didn't involve his kids anyway, but did he even have that right anymore either?

"No, and please, you're my best friend, Rose. So please don't say anything. Not to Emmett, not to Carlisle, and not to Esme," I begged her.

"Emmett and I have no secrets. We don't play hush-hush games of bringing up things only when asked. So prepare yourself from a visit from your brother. And quickly, because I'm sure he's not going to wait until you've decided to start taking your clothes off and become some slutty dancer."

Before I had the courage to tell her that itwas too late, she got up, tucked her test into her back pocket, and walked out of the door without saying another word.

I think this was a time that called for some expletives and I whispered, _"fuck my life," _before falling backwards onto my couch.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N Boy did KD and MC rip me a new one with this chapter! Thanks, ladies! xo**

**Disclaimer: not mine**

* * *

BPOV

It wasn't long after Edward had been scheduled a sentencing date that I made arrangements to speak with a lawyer. I made sure that I found an attorney that was able to file a divorce as easily and quickly as possible.

I knew that if I were to hold off, I would just let our marriage hang- live married, but not be in the marriage,and it could possibly swallow me whole. Edward had a problem, and it was obvious that he might never get well.

Carlisle and Esme thought I needed to go and see Edward, that I needed to understand the complete story, but I knew all I needed to know already. Edward had been in the parking lot behind Dazzle, and he'd been shot because of a drug deal gone bad. He was arrested with a bag of heroin for God's sake. What else did I need to know?

My attorney had sent the divorce papers to Edward only two weeks from the time after his arrest. If he refused to sign them, I would have no choice but to go and talk to him; to see him.

Actually, I needed to see Edward, anyway; I was just really avoiding it. Ava and Ryan still needed to be able to see their dad. I wasn't sure what I was going to say to my four year old about why her father was where he was and why he was in jail.

I continued working weekends for the next four weeks. It was easy to pretend that the bad things that were going on in my life didn't exist while I was working. If Jane wasn't still in school or if it was Summer, I probably would have started working full-time.

I only saw Jasper a handful of times, but those few times were Ava's doing. She begged and pleaded for Jasper to come over and play. She adored him and he was great with her and Ryan. Having a positive male figure around occasionally wasn't such a bad thing either.

My nightmares started back up about a week after Edward was arrested. I dealt with the lack of sleep that came with them as best as I could. Coffee had become my best friend, and I drank endless amounts of it, trying to fight off the sleep that I needed desperately needed.

Alice was awesome. She never pulled any information out of me about anything. I continued the yoga and did pole dancing classes, surprising the instructor. She said I was a '_natural,_' which caused me to scoff at her. I had no idea if I was supposed to take that as a compliment or not.

When the weeks went by, and I still hadn't received the divorce papers or heard from my lawyer, I decided I had to go and see Edward. I wouldn't allow him to see me as anything but a strong woman.

I set a day to go, giving myself time to prepare, to sleep, and to get some food into my frail, broken body. A glass or two of wine before bed helped me with the sleeping part. I had Alice cut and color my hair. I did a lot of soul searching and mental preparation before I went to see him for the first time.

*

After walking into the prison and going through security, I was escorted into a large room full of luxuriously furnished in metal folding chairs and round tables that were marked with graffiti, it was like a high school cafeteria.

The wait for Edward was hard; I sat at a table with my hands folded, and concentrated on nothing but my empty ring finger.

Before he was remotely close to me, I could feel his presence before he ever came near me.

Edward pulled the chair out, causing it to make a terrible ear-ringing noise against the cement floor. As he sat down, I kept my eyes on my hands that were neatly folded on the table, and I made sure they were as still as possible.

"Bella," he whispered.

I slowly allowed myself to meet his gaze. "Edward."

"How are you? How are the kids," he quietly asked.

"I came here today for one reason, Edward. I want you to sign the papers. I need you to sign them. I need to be able to move on with my life." This was much harder than I thought it would be. We were quiet for a few minutes until he spoke.

"Why, Bella? What made you think you had to, or _have_ to do that? Work at place like _that_? Why there?

I was shocked; taken aback. Had he actually been _in _the bar? I swallowed and took a deep breath, trying to hold my composure steady. I decided to be honest with him, not that I needed to be, and it wasn't like I was doing anything illegal. I needed to support my family.

"Someone needs to pay the bills, Edward and I've gotta support my kids. It's easy money, and it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Enough about that, though, it's really none of your business. You gave that up months ago." I wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible.

"I don't have the papers on me, Bella," he paused for a split second before rushing ahead to ask about out kids. "Will you bring them see to me? I really miss them and would like to be able to see them," he finished.

"I brought the papers," I answered, feeling my stomach drop and my chest tighten, "and I will bring the kids. Not that I think it's okay for them to see you in a place like here, but I know they still need to see their dad. To be honest, I'm just not sure how to explain it to them, which is why I haven't brought them yet. You've gotta give me some time, Edward. I need time to prepare them."

*

As I climbed back into the SUV, I glanced at the papers Edward had signed. They were sticking out of my bag and I ripped them out of their place.

I took in a deep breath and felt my heart tug. Edward's handwriting and signature were perfect. There was no shakiness to his writing. He wasn't high and he wasn't sick anymore.

I was hurting even more now. I was angry and pissed off, but now I wanted to fix us. I wanted to sew us back together like we were a worn, torn pair of comfy jeans.

I drove over to Rose and Emmett's house to pick up the kids.

Before I knew it, I was ripping apart the documents, shredding them into tiny pieces. By the time I was done, they had turned into confetti while I sat in front of Rose and Emmett's house.

My whole body was shaking, emotions took over my entire being, and tears were streamed down my face.

I couldn't let myself give up on my marriage. I would continue on with my life while Edward served his time, and when he got out, I would see where things stood. I would give what I could to try and fix my family.

Edward had to get better first, and he had to do it for himself. I couldn't let him believe that I stuck around. He wouldn't survive recovery if he were only in it to save our marriage and relationship. He had to be all about him. Maybe a small part for the sake of his children.

Prison may have forced him no choice to get clean, but it would be up to Edward to continue his sobriety when he was released. I only could hope that he'd do the right thing.

I had been sitting in Rose and Emmett's driveway in a trance-like state, staring at the mess of shredded paper, all over the me, the seats, the dashboard, when I heard a knock on the window.

"What the hell happened? What, did you get a speeding ticket or something," Rose asked, while staring down at the mess I'd made.

I rested my head on my steering wheel and didn't answer. Rosalie wouldn't let me sit there all day, and I knew that, but I needed to calm down before going in to see my kids.

I stepped out of the truck, the now shredded paper blowing off of me with the slight breeze. "It's nothing now."

"Whatever. You've lost your mind," Rose scoffed.

She was such a bitch sometimes, and like always, I'd satisfy her. "They _were_ signed divorce papers, okay?"

Rose didn't have any smart remark for that. She didn't see it coming at all. "Damn. Are you okay? Did you find out what happened," she asked, while walking with me towards her house.

"No. Yes. I mean, I'm okay and no, I didn't ask anything. I just realized I didn't want- I couldn't give up on us."

I only stayed at the house long enough to pack up the kids' belongings and leave I wanted to go home and cuddle up on the couch with my babies and watch a movie.

I'd give myself a few more days to be down in the dumps before I tried to pick up the broken pieces and start allowing myself to heal. Our future would depend on it. If I wasn't able to survive without Edward now, and he failed when he got out of jail, I'd end up right back where I started.

I wasn't about to let myself fall back into this depression and break again.

*

It was time for me to bring the kids to see their dad. It had been far too long since they'd seen him, and I couldn't just pretend he was away for a year or two on work.

"Ava, sweetie," I said, while tucking her into bed.

She glanced up at me through her thick, long lashes, "What, Mama?"

"Do you want to go see daddy tomorrow?"

Her face lit up and she didn't hesitate answering. "Yes! Yes, Mama!"

It was time to explain to my daughter that her father wasn't living in a home, and he wouldn't be coming to see her here. Not exactly sure what to tell her, I decided to be as vague as possible, only telling her the small things that she'd pick up on.

"Daddy got in trouble, and we have to go see him in a place where people go when they get into trouble. We'll only be able to stay for a little while, baby. But he won't live there forever. Okay?"

Her little nose scrunched up and her face was questioning. "Okay."

"Goodnight, baby." I swept her hair back and kissed her forehead before going back downstairs.

I dreaded bringing the kids there to the jail. I knew that it had to happen; Edward being sentenced to two years was just too long to go without seeing the kids. Even if the possibility of him getting out in nine to twelve months was good, it was still much too long for my children to go without seeing their

Shielding my kids was out of the question.

As I was getting myself comfortable on the couch, my phone went off. It was a text from Jasper.

As if I wasn't confused enough. Jasper and I always had a connection, but it wasn't the same connection my husband and I once had. Did I get too comfy during the time things got hard with Edward with Jas? Possibly. I felt like shit for it, and I hoped that we'd still be able to be friends.

I chose to leave the phone alone, tucking it safely away in my bag until the morning. I turned the TV on and snuggled in to watch _Roseanne _reruns while my mind continued to race in circles.

*

EPOV

it was finally the day that I would see my kids. I hadn't see them in so long. I was torn about Bella bringing them here, but apparently not torn enough to tell her to forget about it. I lived for my kids.

I wiped out all of the bad that I was surrounded by and thought of nothing but the smiles that would be greeting me in just a few minutes.

Glancing at the clock, I noticed it was ten minutes past the hour. I tried convincing myself Bella was just running late. That had to be the reason. Or could she have decided against not bringing our babies to this place? I almost wouldn't blame her.

While drowning myself in negative thoughts, I heard a little pitter-patter on the floor and I lifted my head to see both kids holding Bella's hands. The smile on my face reached my eyes and Bella…she looked amazing.

She was wearing her normal, comfortable clothes and her hair was thrown up in a ponytail. I didn't think she was looking any different, but she certainly looked great. I wondered for a moment if during my drug use, my vision was skewed at all.

"Daddy! Daddy!" My daughter came crashing into me, the plastic seat almost giving out.

"Hey, beautiful! How are you," I asked with a smile as I peeked over at the thinning frame of my boy.

"Ry Guy! I missed you! Come see Daddy." I asked as I reached my hands to him.

He didn't hesitate and allowed me to pick him up into my arms. When we settled, I lifted Ava up into my lap as well and gave them crazy amounts of hugs and kisses. Our hour was going by too fast and this wasn't going to last, but this was all I needed to keep going.

"How have you been, Bella?"

"I'm good, Edward. You," she returned, piling up a few coloring books and placing the crayons back into their box out of nervousness.

"I can't really complain. I've been clean now for almost a month and feel wonderful. My lawyer says it looks like I'll only be serving minimum, too," I answered.

"Just in time to meet your new niece or nephew," she said and placed the crayon box on top of the books.

_What?_

"What?" I asked aloud.

My brother had barely visited and never once mentioned that Rose was pregnant. I immediately felt saddened.

"Em didn't tell you? Hasn't he been in to visit," Bella asked, almost tongue-tied.

"He's been here, but hasn't mentioned anything even close to that," I said, hurt clear in my tone.

"Maybe I shouldn't have told you. I had no idea you didn't know. She's due in June," Bella spoke quietly.

"I won't say anything, Bella," I said, watching her gather the kids off my lap.

"Thank you. We'll come back in a couple weeks?"

"Never ask. I'd love to see the kids as often as possible." I said.

I could see it in her face though, that this might not be happening very often. Bella looked very uneasy in here with the babies, and I couldn't exactly blame her. It certainly wasn't a playground or even a mall.

I kissed my girl and my Ry Guy goodbye and watched as they walked out of the visitor's room.

BPOV

I didn't like that at all. The idea of having to bring the kids to see their dad in a prison was unnerving and not right at all.

It was over and I was probably a little more relieved than I should have been. My kids deserved better of me.

I picked my phone out of my bag to call Rose.

"Hey, preggo. Can you keep an eye on the little ones? I need to run to the store," I asked. She didn't need to know exactly what store I'd be shopping at. Thankfully Rose didn't ask, so I didn't feel the need to conjure up some lie.

I dropped the kids off and headed to the store Vic and Alice owned, and of course, I was greeted by Tor. I heard her snicker while I was searching through the racks, but I chose to ignore her. I knew by now she was a bitch by nature and there was probably no reason for the small laughs escaping her.

I wanted to try something different this weekend and found myself at a rack holding a lot of red, white, and blue things. My eyes went straight to a cut off-looking type of outfit. Denim, worn boy shorts and an American flag printed, cut-off shirt that tied at the chest. I plucked it off the rack immediately and grabbed a pair of red platforms off the wall before placing my pieces on the counter.

"American girl? Really, Bella? And how's your jail bait? Heard Jimmy got him good," Tor gawked.

I wasn't sure what she was talking about, so I ignored her the best I could and paid the bitch the money and walked out.

_Who was Jimmy and how did she know about my _jail bait _husband?_

I found myself thinking about Tor's comment to me in the store the entire ride back to pick up the kids. Thankfully, I was able to shake it off while pulling into my brother-in-law's driveway.

The kids were outside, bundled up and playing while the first snowflakes fell from the sky above while their aunt was dragging out the shovels and rock salt from the garage.

"Rose! What the hell? Let me help you," I scolded her. She was pregnant and after all of her trying, she really didn't need to be dragging twenty-pound bags of salt from the garage to the front door.

"Oh, shut it. I'm not disabled," She snapped back.

Inwardly sighing, I walked over to my kids and pulled them to the ground eliciting giggles from the both of them.

"It's snowing, Mama!" Ava exclaimed as she was face up trying to catch the small flakes on her tongue.

"I know, baby," I answered, wiping away a flake that had fallen on my forehead.

*

I headed into work a couple hours early that night. I wanted to talk to Tor. I wanted - no, needed - to know what she was talking about, and I wanted to know who Jimmy was.

Of course, Alice was already there, getting things ready as a few customers sat at the bar chatting with Paul.

"Hey, Alice. A minute?" I asked, glancing towards the back.

She followed me into the dressing room. "What's up, everything okay? Please don't tell me you can't work tonight."

"No, no. I was just curious. Tor said something to me today while I was at the store. Who's Jimmy?"

"James, is Tor's man. I guess that's what you'd call him. He's a loser," she said, as she dug through my bag. "Ow! How cute! I love it," she said, holding up the skimpy pieces I had purchased earlier. "Shoes, too, Bella? I'm shocked!"

Edward had somehow been connected to Tor's boyfriend. Apparently, I had a puzzle that I had an urge to put together in front of me. I'd spare Alice and myself with explaining things to her. I didn't think she needed to become involved. She didn't know enough about my situation, and I liked it that way.

_Was my husband innocent, though? If he was, I was going to find out._

"Show me what to do and I'll help you out," I offered as I placed my bag down on a chair.

As I was hauling out cases of beer from the basement fridge and loading them into the fridges behind the bar, I couldn't shake the feeling that whatever it was Edward had been doing the night he was arrested was not criminal. Even if he still was handling illegal things.

If I didn't feel a complete and immediate sense of relief when I shredded the divorce papers, I did now. My husband might have actually been doing something right when James shot him, if it was James who shot him.

Time passed quickly and my shift seemed to drag a little. The customers weren't familiar ones, and I was ready to go home.

I decided to leave a little early after making sure it was okay with Vic. I was mentally drained. My thoughts had taken up all of my energy earlier in the night.

*

**-Valentine's Day 2010-**

I was glancing at Rose's ever-growing belly as we sat on the bench at the park while the kids played. I still hadn't figured anything new out in the James/Tor/Edward department, and I decided I would let it go, at least for now.

"Any names yet, Mama?"

"We have nothing at all," Rose answered as she brought her hand to her belly.

"I'm sure you'll think of something perfect," I answered. "What do the two of you have planned for tonight?"

"Nothing much. I think Emmett is going to attempt cooking again ,and he rented a movie," she said.

I felt saddened that I didn't have a man to spend Valentine's Day with, but I was happy I had a date night with my babies. We were spending our night pigging out on candy and watching _Shrek_. Ava was thrilled because I very rarely allowed them to eat junk.

*

**-Easter weekend 2010-**

"Hello?" I answered my cell questioningly, the caller ID failing me.

"Izz," a voice said.

"Jas?"

"Yes. I just wanted to tell you that I'm leaving in an hour. The jobs are done and they need me back home" He explained.

"I wish I had known," I said remorsefully. "I'm sorry, Jasper. I'm sorry we haven't seen each other in awhile. It's just that…" he cut me off.

"I understand, Izz. I get it. You love him. You always have and you always will. I'm only a phone call away if you need me, though.."

"I'm still sorry."

"It's fine. I've gotta run, Izz. Take care and tell the kids goodbye for me?"

"I will. Goodbye."

I hadn't seen Jasper in a couple months, deciding it was better that way. I didn't want to confuse my feelings anymore than they already had been at the beginning of all of this. I was sad that he was leaving, and I was sad that we didn't get a chance for a proper goodbye.

"Mama? When the Easter Bunny comes, can I sneak downstairs and see him?"

"Bunny," Ry mimicked.

"I don't think so, Honey. I think the bunny works like Santa."

The look on her face was curious as she thought through my answer. "Oh," she said after a few moments.

"Okay, kiddos. Time for bed. Daddy's going to be so happy to see you," I said, taking both my baby's hands and leading them upstairs and into bed.

*

**-June 11, 2010-**

The kids and I were waiting patiently in the waiting room while Emmett was at Rosalie's side in her room while she was giving birth to her baby. At any moment we would be meeting a beautiful new addition to our family.

"It's a girl! Annalise Isabel Cullen!"

Emmett rushed right out of the waiting area as soon as he announced the arrival of his new baby girl.

I was taken back by the surprise of having a namesake. It was remarkably humbling. I was now a godmother to a brand new baby that I was sure was as beautiful as her parents.

The moment Edward called me I would tell him if he didn't already know. He'd be so proud of his brother and I'm sure he'd love his niece as much as he loved his own children.

*

**-August 25****th****, 2010-**

"Mama, tomorrow we go and get daddy!" Ava shrieked with excitement.

She'd been counting down the days ever since finding out his release date almost three weeks before. Ryan didn't quite understand what was going on, but he did know who his daddy was and that he'd be back soon.

Edward had earned enough good time to get out on parole in just under nine months, and I agreed to pick him up from the courthouse and allow him to come home under a few conditions.

He would stay in Ava's room and sleep on her trundle. We'd see how things went day by day. Ava certainly thought that was a great idea; it would be like a sleep over for her every night.

I was anxious and still hadn't pieced together any of the puzzle, but I'd be able to talk to Edward about it at some point.

We all headed to bed by eight, wishing tomorrow would hurry and make it's arrival.

* * *

**End A/N- Moving on!!!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N- Sorry for the shortness, I needed to get this going and the only way to do that realistically was to get the babies over to Rose's. :o)**

**Thanks to my power beta's MC and KD, you're too good to me!**

**Disclaimer: *sigh* really? No. I don't own these people. Just my own 'This'Ward. Feel free to name him!**

* * *

After all was said and done, we piled into the truck and headed home, the ride filled with silence. The kids had fallen asleep after being stuck in the courthouse for so long before Edward's release, but I didn't want to talk about anything now.

When we got home, I carried Ry Guy upstairs to his crib, hoping he'd continue to nap while Edward brought Ava inside for me. "Baby, let Daddy put a movie on for you, okay? Mama and I need to talk for a little while. We'll be right out back on the porch though, promise," Edward told Ava.

For weeks, I thought endlessly about what was going to be said and discussed today, and I suddenly felt nauseous. I had no idea where to start or how to keep my cool. Things definitely weren't going to be easy on either Edward or myself. We both had a lot to deal with on our own, and I knew that helping him stay clean wouldn't be easy, either.

We stepped onto the back porch and took our seats. We just stared at each other for a few minutes. Finally, Edward spoke.

"Bella, I know this sucks. I know that I put you through so much."

I sat quietly and let him continue.

"There are also some things that may or may not add to the problems we are currently facing, but I hope we can overcome them." He paused, letting me know it was okay to have a moment or speak.

"Add? More?" I was frustrated already. I didn't know how much more of this I could take.

Edward let out a sigh and began explaining the things that had happened while he was locked away.

"While in jail, Bella, I had no idea where I was headed or where I wanted to be. I missed you and I missed our kids. I never did end up in the drug ward – I was trying to avoid all other addictive treatments, but there was one thing that happened a few times, that may ruin things here…now." He paused, giving me some time.

"I - slept with my prison doctor. I thought there was no chance for us, no place for me back in your life. I imagined her as you…though, it never did work. She was nothing like you, but I still slept with her anyway. I'm really sorry, but I'm just trying to be honest. I don't want to keep anything from you, not if you're willing to work on things."

My head fell into my hands the very moment my husband told me that he had sex with another woman. I could feel my insides turn to Jello.

"I shredded the divorce papers, Edward, and here you are sleeping with some whore of a doctor!" How could he?

"You mean, we're still married? Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Bella. So sorry. Not that it matters; divorced or not, you are all I want. You always have been."

Things were quiet now. The silence brought me through all kinds of thoughts and emotions, and tears slid down my cheeks freely. My husband, the man for whom I put myself on the line, had slept with another woman while in prison. How did that kind of thing even happen? My life wasn't a movie, yet I felt like I was thrown straight onto the big screen.

"Bella, it happened only a few times and stopped months ago," he said, trying to fix things that seemed un-fixable for the moment, maybe even forever.

Could I forgive him for this? Would we be able to put this behind us and move on beyond not only the drug addiction and jail time, but now his infidelity, too? I didn't know, but I wasn't about to think about this set-back now. I had to focus on things that needed to be addressed immediately.

I let my head come up, running my fingers through my long tangled hair and looked my husband straight in the eyes. "First, there are to be no drugs of any type in this house other than Children's Tylenol and Motrin. I don't care if you have all your wisdom teeth extracted or you have a hip replacement," I said, blowing things a bit out of proportion, but being completely serious at the same time. "Second, your cell phone…it's gone. And so are Laurent and all those jerks. You can't have any type of contact with any of them; they're no good for you."

I knew I must have sounded like I was listing a bunch of rules for a teenaged child, but I was being clear…and serious. If he could accept how things needed to be, and how things had to work, then maybe we would not fail.

Edward sat, quiet and still, taking in everything I had to say.

"There will be no drugs, no medicines, no friends, and no car; not now, not yet. If you have somewhere to go, I will go with you. You have to earn back not only my trust, but the kid's trust as well."

"I get it, Bella. I completely understand. I want things to work; I want us to be back to where we were. Or as close to where we were as possible. I fucked up and understand all that you're asking of me," Edward answered.

I could only hope he really did understand.

"But, Bella," he began. "I did end up taking the Suboxones in jail - then I realized that I couldn't handle the mental part of withdrawal. After everything that happened with Jessica, I needed to figure a way out of my mental breakdowns. I can't and won't go into detail about that now, though. I haven't taken one since yesterday afternoon at med time, but I am probably going to get sick in the next day or two, as I go through withdrawal. Will you be able to handle that?"

If Edward was home and willing to work through our problems, then yes, I would be able to handle it - and him.

"Yes," I simply said, although I wasn't sure. I'd never dealt with anyone going through withdrawals and it was completely new to me.

"And before I get sick, do you think that Rose would let me see Annalise?" he asked, sounding somber over the fact he had yet to meet his precious niece.

"I'll call Rose after dinner."

Ava was waiting as patiently as she could to see her baby cousin while Edward paced the dining area and living room. He'd still only seen the few pictures of her I had sent him since Annalise had been born. He missed a good two and a half months of her life, and I knew that he hated himself for it.

When the door opened, I sensed Edward's nervousness right away, and I suggested he relax and have a seat next to Ava. He hadn't seen his brother or Rose for many months, never mind ever meeting his niece.

Rosalie had Annalise in her arms as Emmett toted in the pink and black diaper bag like a champ, with the car seat slung over his shoulder. Rose eyed me as if she were asking if Edward was okay, so I gave her one small, answering nod that he was perfectly fine. For now.

Rose walked over to the couch where Edward was sitting with Ava and placed Annalise in his arms carefully, not letting go she until kissed her daughter on her tiny head. Annalise continued sleeping peacefully while Edward cradled her in his arms. For a moment, I saw the Edward I fell in love with all those years ago; the man I married, and the man that I shared two beautiful children with.

He lowered his head to her ear and whispered, "Hello, my beautiful niece. I'm your Uncle Edward, but you can call me Uncle E."

Emmett plopped down in the chair next to them as Rose and I migrated into the kitchen to boil some water for tea.

"How is he?" Rose asked.

"He's only been home a few hours, Rose. I really can't tell, but he seems to be doing okay."

"And you're sure he'll be fine with Anna?"

I sighed, Rosalie knew I'd never let anything happen to her baby. "Yes, Rose, she's perfectly safe." I paused for a brief moment, laughing inside, and smiled. "Besides, you've got Emmett in there to handle things. I'm sure he'll beat his brother's ass before Edward could do anything reckless."

Rosalie just looked over towards me with that bitchy look of hers while grabbing the mugs out of the cabinets.

"Edward's been on medication, which he's stopped taking. The effects of coming off of it can be as unpleasant as coming off of heroin. Do you think you could handle Ava and Ryan for a couple days with the new baby?"

I had to throw it out there, I didn't really want the kids to see their father withdrawing and in pain. Hell, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to see it.

"She's still sleeping a lot, I'm sure I'll be okay. Drop them off in the morning?"

"Yeah, after breakfast," I said, pouring the water into the mugs, "And thanks, Rose. I have no idea what I'm in for."

Rosalie and I sat at the dining room table as Edward held the baby close and Emmett dozed off in the chair. Parenthood came at him fast and strong. It was rather comical.

"Daddy, Daddy! Can I hold her? Please," Ava asked suddenly. I got up and helped Edward help Ava hold her cousin. It was quite the Kodak moment; the two of us, helping our daughter hold a tiny baby safely. Ryan made his way from his train table over to us to peek at the baby before waddling out to see his Auntie.

"Hey, Boo Boo. Are you getting jealous? Come here, and let Auntie snuggle you," Rosalie said to my little man.

After Emmett, Rosalie, and Anna left, I headed upstairs to set up Ava's trundle for her father. As I made up the bed, my mind kept going over the questions in my head. Would I be able to handle seeing Edward in withdrawal? How long would it take? What would he need from me? Would it be too hard for me – and what about him? How would Edward cope with all that was coming? I didn't have any answers; my questions just inspired more questions. My mind wouldn't know any of the answers until we reached them in due time. I wondered if Edward even knew any of the answers, but I felt I couldn't ask him now.

Thinking about the unknown was physically draining, and I could feel my eyes getting heavy. I headed downstairs and told the kids to kiss their dad goodnight.

"Daddy? Can you read me a book?" Ava asked sleepily.

"Sure I can read you a book, baby," he answered, eying me just to make sure it was okay just a little too late - since he'd already told her yes.

I just smiled, there was never anything wrong with the way he was with his children. Even months ago, before prison, when he was using drugs, he still had control when it came to them - aside from when he had left us on our own.

"I'll go tuck Ry Guy in, he's exhausted. I'll be in to say goodnight to the two of you afterwards, okay?"

With Ryan on my hip we headed for his room, where I sat down in the rocker with him to snuggle for a little while. I wasn't sure what I was doing. I wasn't sure how any of this was going to work out. The only thing I was sure of was that I needed to give this my all, and I wouldn't give up easily.

I ended up rocking Ryan to sleep, so I tucked him in snugly and walked out, heading to Ava's room.

I'd been too late to say goodnight. When I peeked in, Ava was curled around her Daddy's side and the book they were reading had fallen off to the side. Edward's head was bent down into Ava's little head and they were both sleeping soundly on her small twin bed. I didn't have it in me to wake him, telling him the trundle might be more comfortable.

I left, letting them both sleep cuddled up together in her bed.

Avoiding my large empty bed, I went to the laundry room to get clothes for the kids to take to Rosalie and Emmett's in the morning. As tired as I was, I had a feeling that I wasn't going to be able to fall asleep. After packing what was around, I picked up the living room and washed the mugs from the tea Rose and I had earlier.

Truthfully, I was scared to go to sleep. If I went to sleep, Edward would be able to leave, and I wouldn't have any idea. I would wake up in the morning, he would be missing, and I would crack open once again. However, I needed some sleep.

I crawled into my bed alone, and my mind kept going. As I lay in my bed I thought about things that had happened, things that were happening, and things that would happen. I thought about my job and immediately felt my body curl up and cringe. This would certainly cause some problems and I'd need to quit soon - sooner rather than later. My eyes got heavy and it wasn't long before I'd drifted off to sleep.

_I sat in my chair staring at myself in the mirror. The fedora covered my loosely pinned up hair, my white blouse buttoned up to the collar. It never changed. Without fail, I waited nervously in the same chair, in front of the same mirror, trembling just a tiny bit. I slid my tie loosely through my fingers as I pulled it from my chair and wrapped it around my collar. Tying it, I stood up, demanding the confidence that I needed to bring out there with me, to the place that could potentially ruin my life. I hoped to wait for Alice's approval, but we were extremely busy tonight._

_I slung on my black jacket, looking at myself once more in the mirror that held pictures of dancers and their "slut of the month" club. You'd never catch me taping a Polaroid of myself up there. My reasons were pretty obvious. _

_I stood behind the stage waiting for Lauren to finish up her set. The stage was completely surrounded tonight. She actually just bent her back, spread her legs, and wagged her ass in front of the men, falling all over them. She and I were polar opposites. As the song came to a close, I prepared myself for the rush I would feel on the stage._

_I listened to the hooting and howling coming out of the audience. They were like a bunch of animals as I walked out onto the black stage. Propping my hat up to cover my eyes just a smidge as I continued to the front of the stage._

_The lights began circling the stage, strobes set off to the side were flashing, and the awaiting customers, quiet in their seats, were waiting for me to entertain them. _

_My heart felt like it would explode; it was thumping so loud I could feel the pressure in my ears. With the sound of the music, I got the confidence booster I needed and the rush I never knew I craved until I was here and on this stage tonight._

_Picturing Demi's dance play in my mind, I borrowed from her. I artfully incorporate the pole into my dancing, and I teased them a bit before I started to discard my clothing. _

_My palms were a little damp and clammy, and they trembled a little bit, but as I continued, my nerves began to settle. _

_I slowly and seductively slid the jacket off of my arms while walking over the glass bridge that led onto the bar. I dropped myself down in front of an older man and picked up his fruity, chick drink to pull the cherry out. I playfully teased his mouth before snatching it back and biting it myself. I slowly brought myself back up and as I walked away, I slung my jacket onto Mike's head, giving him a quick wink. Then I slid my hat off, shaking my long, brown, and wavy hair loose. _

_As I danced my way back from the bar, I slid out of my docker-type shorts, bending as if to touch my toes and grab them. I purposefully toss-whipped them into a younger man's waiting hands. My shirt now hung loosely over my ass, keeping the men on their toes. Using my tie, __I played a little with a stumpy, bearded guy dressed in an old suit as I wrapped my tie around his neck. I leaned back to rip the buttons of my shirt open to reveal my matching silver-sequenced thong and bikini top._

_Back at the pole I slung, and slid, and climbed. I was quite pleased that my skills had helped me utilize the pole into more of my routines. I slowly dipped into the vultures that are watching me, while they slid bills into my thong. It's almost over too quickly, and to finish my dance, I decide to do a Rockette style high kick and hold, using the pole for support. In the end, I seductively swayed my hips, using a model's stomp to walk off stage. _

_I slipped behind the couches of the men and headed off to the bar where Paul, the wonderful and beautiful bartender, passed me a water. After all of that, I was definitely thirsty. _

_The emerald bore into me as I reached the bar, my peripheral vision taking notice of the far end of the counter. This was possibly the shittiest deck anyone has ever been dealt. Fuck my life._

I startled awake instantly, the dream having been far too real. I'd have to talk to Alice this weekend and see if I could just waitress or even tend bar, I'm sure Paul would teach me. The usual just happened to be bottled beer and that seemed simple enough.

Alice already knew that Edward was home and didn't expect to hear from me until Friday now, but I would have to call her after dropping the kids off at Rosalie's house this in the morning. I couldn't allow anything in my dream to become a reality.

In my dream, I felt like I almost enjoyed dancing. Did I? I also felt like I owned the stage and all of the men's eyes. That couldn't possibly be true. Could it?

I glanced at my clock noting the time was six. It was early enough to get up and I was grateful, because I did not want to go back to sleep and have another haunting dream.

I headed straight for my trusty coffee maker and started a pot before waking up the little ones to get them ready to leave. I knew that Ava was going to be devastated to leave after just getting her father back, but I couldn't have her here, at least not for a couple of days. She was too young to understand any of this, much less see her daddy go through sickness and pain.

"I don't wanna go, Mama! Don't make me go, Daddy, please," Ava begged through her tears.

"It's just got a couple days, Avakins. Auntie Rose needs your help with baby Annalise. Don't you want to help her?" Edward asked while I watched the sweat beading up on his forehead.

I could already tell he was suffering and trying with all he had to act okay with the kids still here.

I knew I had made the right decision.


	15. Chapter 15

**AN- again, this little story wouldn't be this little story without Mag's or KD. **

**Love you both!**

**This chapter runs a little deep, very close to home. It is what it is.**

**Disclaimer: Still, I own nothing!**

* * *

After the kids were clear of the house, I began picking miscellaneous things up, not exactly sure how I was supposed to act. I wasn't sure if I should ask, or even say anything at all to Edward at all yet. And if I did, what would I say?

First, I picked up a pile of the kid's books from the coffee table and placed them on the bar. Second, I put a small pile of mail from the kitchen table on the breadbox that was on the counter, and then finally, I fiddled with a few magnets, straightening them out on the fridge.

Edward must have realized I had been doing a bunch of meaningless nothings and stopped my hand before it touched another magnet. "Bella," Edward whispered, his quiet whisper a little strained.

I glanced up and looked into his eyes; they were tired and cloudy, heavy and sad.

"Yeah?" I answered in question.

"It's fine. Stop wandering around the house like you're lost and unsure." He took in a pained breath. "I'm not sure how this will all work out. I'm not sure how this is supposed to work at all, but you don't have to tiptoe around me. Please? Let's sit for a bit. We can talk…yell even, if you want to," he ended as he took in a large ragged breath.

"What are we supposed to talk about, Edward," I asked. This was the beginning of a bumpy road, that much, I was sure of.

"Anything, Bella. Anything at all. You can ask questions. you can tell me how bad I messed up your life - our life. You can yell and scream at me…beat me up, whatever." He paused for a moment, looking away, as I kept eye contact as best I could. I watched a stray tear fall from his eye before he looked back up and continued. "But let's just sit."

His hands were trembling, and he was sweating through his t-shirt. His eyes reflected the pain he had earlier in them, and he looked exhausted. "Okay," was all I could say.

I wasn't sure why I was feeling bad for him, but what I wanted to feel was anger. Not only did he leave us for a drug, but he also slept with another woman. I wasn't sure what the hell to do about that yet.

I needed to deal with one thing at a time, and right now, that was his recovery.

We sat on opposite ends of the couch, and I tucked my legs underneath me to give myself a much needed felling of security. I watched as Edward massaged his legs, and I wondered briefly why he was doing that, before deciding it was okay to ask.

"Why are you doing that," I mumbled.

Edward's head came up slowly, and he looked at me for a moment before answering/ "My legs are sore, Bella. Rubbing and massaging them helps with the pain."

Before I could really think about what I was doing, I patted the couch and told him to put his legs up while I took my own legs out from under me so that his would rest on my thighs. I began massaging them. "Like this," I asked.

"Yes. Like that, please," he answered quietly before his heads slumped over on the back of the couch and his eyes closed softly.

His legs felt hot, even through the running pants he wore to bed - he had a fever. I wasn't sure Tylenol could even help with what he was dealing with, but it couldn't hurt.

"I'll be right back," I told him while I placed his legs on the couch. I got up to go find some medicine for him.

I made my way up the stairs slowly, thinking about how things were going in the short time my – our – kids had been gone. Not great, though they weren't going extremely back either. I had to think, and to be prepared for how much worse things could get. I could feel it deep in my bones. Hell, this was only the first hour and his body was already fighting him, taunting him, and begging him for the drug that rendered him.

For today, and possibly the the near future, I wasn't going to bring up any of the negatives in conversation; I needed only to focus on making him as comfortable as could be if this detox _and_ marriage were going to work, if they even had a shot.. If we had a chance at all, this was the best road to take.

I came back downstairs and got him a glass of water from the kitchen before bringing him two Tylenol and two Advil. "Will these help," I asked, and handed him the pills with the water.

"I really don't know, but they're worth a try. Thank you, Bella," he said, barely audible before swallowing all four at once and placing the glass on the coffee table.

"Can I get you something to eat? You should have something."

It was a few moments before he answered. "I'm just tired, Bella. Really tired."

"That's okay. You sleep, I'll wake you up for lunch…dinner?" I said.

"Okay."

Before I had time to leave the living room, he was already fast asleep, one leg on the couch, the other hanging off, half sitting, half laying down. He looked extremely uncomfortable, but I wasn't going to wake him since he seemed to already be sleeping deeply.

While my husband slept on the couch, I went ahead and washed a few dishes that had been in the sink and called Rosalie to check in on the kids. I snuck out to pick up some milk and bread, along with a few things to make for dinner.

When quietly returned home, I saw that Edward was now lying fully on the couch, sweating profusely, and almost whining in his sleep. He tossed a bit before settling back into his now not-so-deep sleep. I wondered if he was dreaming, or if it was another way the drugs were being released from his body. It was all a little nerve-wracking.

I went ahead and put the few bags of groceries away and waited patiently for Jane to get back from school. I'd have to see if she could babysit at her house tomorrow night if Rose wanted me to pick the kids back up before I had to go into work.

I had no idea how I would be able to keep this job for another two weeks without someone finding out and causing more problems than we already had. I just didn't have it in me to handle anything else. I felt like I would surely collapse under any added pressure, hurt, or drama, and I didn't need Edward finding out about this job anytime in the near future; although, I felt I owed it to Vic to give him his two weeks.

I was also grateful that Edward hadn't brought Jasper up since being home, but I was sure he still remembered. It was something that didn't need to be dealt with in this moment, maybe not even at any moment. There wasn't anything to worry about there. Nothing happened, even if I'd briefly thought about our talks, the time we spent together and just his presence in my life again, a time or two. I chopped those feelings down to not having anyone, and feeling broken and unfixable. Jasper was someone I felt good around. He was my sunny day during so many cloudy, thunderous ones.

I quietly sat in my recliner and turned the TV on low, not wanting to wake Edward from his fitful, though much needed, sleep. I must have dozed off for a bit.

When I woke up, I heard Edward at the top of the stairs in the bathroom and it sounded like he was vomiting. I sighed against myself, not realizing that this was going to get this bad. It was almost like he had the flu. I was sure I could get through these symptoms, even if they did last a few weeks - it wasn't like I've never dealt with illness, I did have two children. This was just under sad circumstances. Would I need to care for him like I needed to care for my sick babies?

I glanced at the cable box, realizing that I'd napped almost the entire afternoon, and it was already four o'clock. I climbed out of the recliner and went into the kitchen, pulling the steak tips out of the refrigerator and laying them on some aluminum foil before peeling some potatoes.

I had the potatoes peeled and in the water on the stove to boil before Edward made it back downstairs and into the living room. I kept on with what I was doing in the kitchen, trying to go on like nothing much had changed. I sliced up some tomatoes and cucumbers before I went in, to join him on the couch.

"Are you feeling any better?" I asked, concerned.

His eyes bore into mine, showing me the answer to what I'd asked. Edward's face was flush and he was still sweating. His nose was red and stuffy and he looked torn up. His shirt was even soaked with sweat, unless of course he dumped a bucket of water over himself - which was doubtful.

"Well, I'm cooking dinner and you need to eat. Even if it's just a little, Edward - I can see that you're feeling even worse, but I think a little food might be a good idea."

"I'll try and eat, Bella, but I can't promise I'll be able to," he answered.

"That's all I ask."

We'd watched a bit of _Ellen_ before I got up to check on the potatoes, mash them, and broil the steak. I made Edward a small plate and set it on the coffee table in front of him before heading back into the kitchen to make my own.

I really didn't have much of an appetite either, so I instead placed a small scoop of potatoes, a couple tomato slices, and a few cucumbers with some salt and pepper on the plate. I poured myself a glass of water and by the time I got back in the living room, Edward was leaning on the back of the couch, eyes closed and seemed to apparently be sleeping again.

I turned around, placed my plate on the bar, and went next door to talk to Jane, knowing she should be home now.

Jane opened the door with a towel wrapped around her neck. "Sorry to interrupt your Jacuzzi time," I said with a smile.

"It's fine, Mrs. Cullen. Is everything alright?"

"Oh yeah. Everything is fine. I just wanted to let you know that I might not need you tomorrow night, unless of course the kids come back from their aunt and uncle's early. But if they do, would it be okay with your parents if you babysat here this weekend?"

Jane looked behind her before she answered. "It shouldn't be a problem. Mom's out of town for the week." Just as she finished answering me. Alec joined her at the door.

"Great, I'll let you know as soon as possible. You two be good," I finished with a wink before heading back home, realizing there was nothing there for me. Edward was sleeping again and the kids were gone. I wasn't used to an empty house very often and I didn't particularly care for it either.

I covered my plate and put it away before going to fill a warm bath. I could hear Edward moaning quietly in his sleep. I peeked over the railing at him to find him still sleeping. His sleep didn't seem very peaceful, in fact, it appeared t be almost painful. I decided that after my bath, I'd check on him, make sure he was okay, and allow him to have our bed rather than making him sleep on the small trundle in Ava's room.

"Edward," I said, shaking his arm gently, barely waking him up. "Edward?"

"Hmm..." he moaned out.

"Go on and crawl into bed, I'll take Ava's room."

Edward didn't fight me. He crawled off of the couch and stumbled up the stairs, heading straight for the bedroom while I messed around with a top sheet, making the couch up. It was something I had gotten used to - sleeping on the couch - and I didn't mind.

I think I figured out that caring for my husband was not only physically draining me, but it was also mentally draining me as well.

As I lay my head down on the pillow, the tears began to well up in my eyes. Suddenly, all of what happened didn't matter to me. None of the lies, the drugs, the people in his life or the prison doctor - none of it mattered. The only thing that mattered in this moment, here and now, was making sure that my husband, the man that I grew to love, and the man that I made a family with, needed me. He needed my help to find himself again, and I wasn't going to give up without a fight.

It didn't matter to me that he lied. Edward was lying to me when he was incapable of telling the truth. My Edward wouldn't lie to me because he would be sober and not have a reason to lie. It didn't matter to me about the drugs because they do cause disease, and he was incapable at that timeto get better. It really didn't matter about the girl because my husband was certainly not my husband when all of that happened. He wasn't my Edward then, but I was determined to get my Edward back, no matter what it took.

I was going to have to look into help for myself as well as some support for Edward. I wasn't going to be able to do this by myself, and we didn't even have many friends outside of our family to reach out to, talk to, or even cry to.

I felt a twinge of guilt as I caught myself thinking about Jasper for a moment , and suddenly I heard the familiar beep of my cell go off.

_I hope things are going well, Izz. If you ever need anything, let me know. I'm here._

I deleted the text before I could even think twice about replying. I didn't need to cause myself any more stress or hurt. He'd think I was sleeping now, and if I weren't, I knew he would understand.

After my night of broken sleep, lots of bathroom runs to cover up for my peeking in on Edward, I finally decided to start my day with the sun hardly peeking up from it's peaceful night's rest.

I pulled out my tattered, dusty telephone book and searched out some doctors that might be able to help us. I wasn't sure where to start until I came across Corrigan Mental Health Center. The advertisement listed an array of different types of care. It was a good place to start, and was walk-in facility. I might find myself having to talk Edward into getting professional help, but the fact that I wouldn't need an appointment meant I could act as quickly as he agreed.

Tossing the book on the table, I got up off of the couch to start a pot of coffee and try and whip something simple up for breakfast.

While scrambling up some eggs, I started wondering about the night ahead of me. I started feeling very anxious at the thought of not only working, but to actually leaving Edward. Leaving him alone for any length of time made me anxious.

The thoughts were consuming me so entirely that I hadn't even thought of what I was going to tell him about where I was going. I ran my free hand roughly over my heavy eyes and heard Edward's quiet footsteps descending the stairs.

"Good morning, Bella," he said, sounding terribly tired and almost pained.

"Morning, Edward. How are you feeling?" tired

I looked in his direction and I didn't need an answer. He was still clammy, sweat soacked through his shirt, his eyes were heavy and tired, his skin tone was flush. He was feeling like shit, maybe more so than yesterday. They

"I'm making some scrambled eggs They should be easy enough to eat. Try at least a few bites, okay?"

"I'll try," he said as he shuffled out of the kitchen and into the living room. "You didn't have to sleep on the couch. I would have been fine on the trundle."

"I was fine. It was fine," I said, trying to keep my voice soft enough for any headache he may have, but perky enough to help him make it through the morning. It certainly didn't look like he'd make it a day at a time, so I would gladly break his days up for him, if that would make things easier.

I handed him a small plate of eggs and sat down beside him. "Edward."

He glanced up at me, trying to smile. "Bella."

His disease and all of the things that came along with getting better were not holding back _my_ Edward_._ He was able to shine through, if even only just a little.

"How would you feel about going to see a doctor with me?"

"Okay."

I didn't even have to push. I think Edward would be willing to give anything a chance right now, which pleased me. I wasn't sure how long I'd be able to fight if he weren't able to do whatever it was that needed to be done.

"Thank you, Edward. I'm going to go upstairs and get ready. Just eat what you can," I said as I got up and headed up to the bathroom.

**EPOV**

I had to shield Bella from everything I could. I knew that my shield was only so large and that she would see some of the pain I was feeling, though. It killed me that I'd caused all of this.

On any normal morning, Bella would wake up with our wonderful children, have them sit on the living room floor and watch cartoons as I got ready for work, and she made breakfast for all of us. Today, however my kids weren't even here.

On a normal day, Bella would do something messy, hands on, new, or even something as simple as making a picnic lunch and have some fun with the kids while I worked at the hotel. I didn't have a job now.

All of this sucked. Now, Bella was taking care of me, her grown husband - while our children were at my brother's house, and it really pissed me off. This wasn't supposed to happen, none of it.

Instead of being a perfectly functioning, loving husband and father, I was now a broken, sick and needy like a child - or that's how I felt. It was shameful and embarrassing- it wasn't fair to Bella or my kids - and a part of me wished that James had been a good shot.

I made sure that I ate everything on my plate, even though I had to force it down and hold it in. It would make my wife happy and she'd have that much more to smile about.

I sat on the couch for a few minutes, rocking myself back and fourth, and trying to keep the vomit at bay. Goose bumps covered my entire body. My head was pounding so I quickly ran to the kitchen hoping to find some Tylenol, but unfortunately, I didn't find any. I'd have to hide the throbbing pain in my head until I took my shower. I wasn't able to hide my trembling legs and arms, but I'd try to breeze by Bella, and hoping the shower and hot water would help settle them a bit.

My wife didn't deserve any of this. I didn't deserve Bella.


End file.
